I never saved anything for the trip back, do you? at 1:05 AM

Thursday, August 10, 2006

My Post Nat'l Day Message

Good (whatever time you are reading this) Readers,

The past year has been a rather peaceful, if not dull period for zenovia!. zenov went crazy and became (more of) a fashion geek, he went through a period of bad luck at the turn of the year, stumbled upon some flowers and then, went into orientation and came back with a loadful of friends and inspiration.

Despite all the unfulfilled resolutions due to procrastination, zenovia! still did fairly well. zenov did something good, that is to join CSC. He could have gained more from it, but he will recover what he missed, in addition to future quota. Together, zenov I, II & III will strive to make zenovia! a better place where they can call their Home.

zenov watched part of The History of Singapore, a documentary commissioned by former PM of said country and found an interesting part: LKY said that during Sook Ching (you faggards out there who are S'poreans BUT dunno wat SC is should go jump off the LBS Memorial screaming 'i'm a traitor!!'), when he believed that he could be executed, he gave an excuse, went back home and 'lied low'.

1st lesson learnt: When you are a big shot, you use big shot language. 'Go into hiding' is for LC ah bengs. High Class people like zenov uses 'lie low' a la LKY-style.

2nd lesson learnt: A very inspiring lesson for zenov. Despite what he did in the past, there's still a chance to make it big. LKY 'lied low', but if he hadn't, he'd be one of the unnamed skeletons found in Changi Beach. He was inferior in popularity to some Lim-guy (don't kill me, I really forgot), but he ended up as S'pore's 1st PM just the same.

zenov believes that despite his humble beginnings and shameful NS years, he can still be the CEO he dreamt to be at the age of 40. It means, he can be a CEO at 40, not he's dreaming of being CEO at 40. zenov still 19, k?

zenov also watched NDP at some cha can ting at east coast. He saw the performance and thought:

If I were a singer, my dream will be to sing the theme song at NDP.

If I were a chemist (or terrorists, as some may call chem grads as), I'd design the most dramatic fireworks for S'poreans to watch.

If I were to be a movie director, I'd write and direct a Cannes-cum-Berlin-cum-Venice-Film-Fest-Award-Winning movie.

If I were to be a rocket scientist, I'd invent a super oil-efficient, big and long haul aeroplane and only let SIA uses it.

If I were to be an architect, I'd build the tallest, most glam, most awe-inspiring, most iconic building the world will ever see, called 黄城.

If I were a programmer, I'd design a game that will brainwash everybody to want to come to S'pore for vacation every quarterly to buy over-priced paperweight made from the rubble from building Circle Line and IR.

If I were to be Storm (from X-men, if you are a sua gu), I'd wreak a quarterly hurricane to destroy all oil rigs not Made In Singapore so that people will start to order oil rigs only from Singapore. I'd also knock all planes which are not heading to or from Singapore down and tell them to know what's better for them. ok, I'm gonna be Super Storm if I were to do that...

If I were Bill Gates, I'd migrate to Singapore and transfer Microsoft HQ there.

If I were Steve Jobs, I'd sell Apple to Creative at $1, rupiah. Then iPods will adopt a new name, called zen-0-v.

Oh well, digressed.

zenov will continue to work hard towards attaining one of those goals, ~~such that SAF will not recall him for ICT or mob manning ever again~~ for the glory of Singapore.

C'est tout.

oh yar, zenov hopes to convert Singapore's official language to the beautiful language of French, IF he were to be President of USA.

I never saved anything for the trip back, do you? at 12:24 AM

Monday, July 31, 2006

患难见真情

我实在太感动了。

因为放弃SEP，所以得要求OSA给我一间PGP的房间。可是无情的OSA都不考虑我的个案，没考虑我住在偏远的榜鹅，把我放到毫无机会可言的WAITING LIST，而且还是没被优先考虑的INTERMEDIATE WAITING LIST。也就是说：我得到一间房的机会等于零。

向朋友求救后，有人愿意出租他家里的一间房给我，也有人问说是否能把他得到的校宿转名让给我。

我很实在地回答道我会拉下脸皮接受他的意见，因为我毕竟是为了学业而放弃SEP，也因而落得如此窘境。未能住得靠近学校，也就会影响我的学业。毕竟我前一年因为没住在学校而学业退步，所以我愿意尽我所能搬到靠近学校的地方。

虽然说转名的事宜成功率渺茫，但能有朋友肯为了我而作出这种打算，也就表示我们友谊的深厚。

我很感动。我很高兴。

有了好朋友，我会为了生活，为了学业加油。把懒惰虫打死，努力不懈，不让为我付出的朋友们失望。

=)

I never saved anything for the trip back, do you? at 9:38 PM

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

2 Major Decisions (edited)

Made 2 decisions last wed, 2 seemingly unrelated decisions. I told some close friends about one or the other le. There are other close friends whom I can't find a good chance to relate to. But well, this is what blogs are for. You create a chance so friends can make use of the chance. ~sidetrack, nvm~

1st, I decided to withdraw from SEP. Understanding friends should know how much I desire to go for SEP. I don't know how to go about explaining why I desire to go, but the fact is, I desire.

But as what is quoted from Gattaca: You try so hard to get away from a place and when you do, you find a reason to stay.

I found a few reasons, which could be collectively made as a reason. No matter how I phrase it, anybody will be offended.

You see, at the point of applying for SEP last oct, I had nothing to lose. I had friends with such close ties that I know nothing will affect our friendship whether anot I go away. You guys, are not my reason for staying. You can be happy, you can be sad, depending on how you see it.

But after I applied for SEP, people came and filled my life. Some touched my heart, some just disappeared. But there are some whom I believe can last for my lifetime and yet I have so little time for them before I leave them.

Relationships (this is a collective term, cos I know some people narrow-mindedly refers r/s as BGR) at this infant stage needs time to nurture and can go awry before you realize. Do I leave and risk losing some of the relationships or do I stay, though good results are not guaranteed?

And then, there are the official reasons that I gave to OSA, reasons that reflect my thoughts, but modified to be 'official'.

CCA, and CAP.

I need to pull my CAP up. If I forgo this sem, I forgo an opportunity to pull it up.

The repercussions of this decision is to apply for withdrawal and asking OSA for a place in PGP. Get a place before school starts and so I can start to mug for my CAP.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

2nd decision was the tacit agreement with someone to end the courtship. Courtship --> I don't even have a better name for it. We're not officially together, but we were together. oh well...

We met, she asked me some questions and showed me her diary.

She said she don't understand me anymore, but frankly speaking, I don't understand her too, right from the start. Which was why I said, right from the start, that we should work towards understanding each other. No hurry to be lovers, cos understanding is the 2nd most important factor in BGR.

She hid her feelings and thoughts, wrote it down in a diary and showed it to me and... should I have hugged her and cried/kissed her, as suggested by tC?

She said I made her wait for my sms. I never give a thought about sms cos they were something so trivial. Everybody knows that sms could not be trusted to be on time. I received an sms (hp showed: 1 message received), and while opening that sms, I saw her sms appearing next in line. But when I went back to the inbox, the sms was no longer there.

So I sms her to resend the sms. In her diary, she said she sent that sms 4 days ago. She griped that 1) I don't reply her sms, 2) I lost her sms.

But of cos, she lamented that I never replied her other sms with stuff like: I'm going off to sleep le, gd nite. She lamented that I don't sms her often enough. She lamented that I don't have her in my mind.

She griped (diary) that I didn't ask her out again after I got rejected in March. She said (diary) that I was not active enough all these while, but no, she don't want to take the initiative. On the other hand, she kept telling me she was not confident to accept me. She told me to not wait for her and should I find someone2, I should go ahead and get her. She told me she was too boring so I should consider giving her up.

She said I don't have her in my mind cos I am going for SEP. And that if I have her on my mind, I would not have applied for it (there is a difference between the 2 sentences, don't pick on it).

How am I gonna fend for myself? At the point of application, she was with R. I didn't see ourselves together in the near future.

Now?

I am a super-rational person, so I weigh all my options from a 3rd party's point of view. I know my desire to go on SEP, the childhood desire to go overseas for studies, is so immense that one r/s that's hanging in the air is not going to stop me. Why should I forgo a childhood dream when no one's gonna commit to me? And cos of this, I would rather everything remains as status quo when I leave, cos I don't want her to commit to me and yet I am gone so she has to wait for me.

It's unfair for me to give up a dream for her undecided love, and unfair for her to wait for me.

So why not let everything stays as it is? After all, right from the start, I said that we should start building on our understanding, no rush to be lovers.

So yes, she was not the sole reason that I gave up SEP, but she was one of the considering factors when I did. ie when I did consider giving up SEP, she was one of the reasons.

She said that she don't (note the present tense) believe the lyrics that I wrote for another friend (《暗箭》) wasn't me trying to hint to her that I had some misforgivings about her. I explained to her that it WASN'T and that the intro before the lyrics explained the rationale why I wrote it, which was that I was backstabbed recently (go read it through the link).

She don't believe there could be such a coincidence. I don't believe there is a coincidence in the 1st place. I explained to her before and she chose not to believe me.

She asked me whether I fell in love with any girl from E3. I said no. She apparently doubted my answer.

If falling in love is easy, then I wouldn't have been so serious with a girl for the 1st time in my life; I wouldn't have 90% of my close friends as girls and not falling for any of them.

When I told chio bu about this part, he simply commented: huh? I don't even think you will lie for such a serious thing lor. Even amanda, with whom my acquaintance did not match the GC, knew I am a bad liar. I hide things, yes, but I can't lie.

Now comes to the 1st building block of r/s (collective term): Trust. Fact: GC guys trust me. I keep the gossips that I was told to keep a secret a secret. and I only knew them for slightly more than a month. I weighed my options correctly and I was right to make a big sacrifice for them.

But still, it doesn't mean that I didn't even put her in consideration. Believe it or not, 任君选择.

Girls tell me it's the job of men to decipher women's thoughts, to pamper them and shower them with all the attention you can give.

I tell them it's no wonder the number of gays is rising.

As I've mentioned in the previous post, what I'm looking for is a lifelong partner, not a pet. I'm looking to build a binary star system and not a single-focus universe. If you look at old couples and ask them what they gained from their r/s, it's the accompaniment and NOT the superficial stuff that they used to do to show their affection for each other.

Yes, I do admit that I did not spend enough time for her.

I do admit that I failed to fulfil the 'promises' I made. But... we didn't even start proper for me to fulfil the promises.

I do admit that I was indignant at being viewed as a low-class, superficial, insincere, primal, insensitive and no-heart entity. Maybe there are a lot of people out there who also viewed me as such, but I do not think I am.

But because I have such a high esteem of myself (not excluding the fact that I'm selfish, and how spiteful I sound now), I do not think I should force someone to continue trying to accept me.

Friends can do just as well.

After all, 90% of my close friends are girls.

And yar, more and more guys are turning gays. Maybe I should go take a Q number.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I had a very long and thorough talk with zw and sh on wed, and spent a lot of time talking about the above.

Conclusion: I am not mature enough for someone, yes. I do not fit the bill.

I never saved anything for the trip back, do you? at 12:21 AM

Monday, July 24, 2006

错，什么错？

就在大约一个礼拜前，某人对我说我做的不够。

我的罪行在每一行、每一字间一一点出。没有我惯用的双关语，没有引摄、暗喻和前呼后应。

所以，我将以最浅白的方式表达我的见解。

你说：

我总是挑起你的兴趣却又让你失望。

我没有积极地投入这段感情。

我不回你的简讯。

我对你有所隐瞒我心中的不满，以至你对我的了解日益改变。

你怀疑我心中有新的她。

我说：

我第一次约你，你说你需要更多的时间来面对刚遭受的挫折。我就给你时间。伤口愈合的时间并不是三两天所能达到的，所以我没有如你所愿，在下一个星期，或下下个星期（直至两个月后）再找你。

我终于约你后，你一再地表示你需要时间来面对上一次的情伤。我若在此时急于压迫你，岂非君子？你要的时间、空间我都给了。

我的个性如此。我不但会莫名失踪，不回简讯，我也曾对密友说过：要做我的终身伴侣的人，一定要了解到我身边90%的好友都是女生。我不可能为了一个无法迁就我的人生的人而解散我这些年来建造的友谊。依此类推，简讯乃升外物，非心灵所需。依此类推，我的懒惰是与生具来的。

我已表明那段歌词所含的真正内容，以及它的对象，若你还心存怀疑，那我也无话可说。信任是建筑情感最大的支柱，若连我刚认识一个月的朋友都能如此对我信赖，更何况是你？了解是建筑情感的第二大支柱，若我的一点简单的思想抒发都无法通过你的信赖、认可，那我也无能为力。

我也已表示：信任。

你也许回家后又会埋怨我为何如此洒脱地答应你要我们退回朋友的位置。以上皆是我的理由。我很高兴能够有那么一次面对面的对话，让我知道你心中的埋怨，也让我了解我们感情的走向。抱歉，又使用了双关语。

很遗憾我又是用这种方式做回应，因为我不只思想愚顿（抱歉，使用了反讽）而且我最容易使用文字来表达自己的思想。无论外界对于我的观点有多崇尚或贬低，那都是我的想法（抱歉，离题）。

我想（抱歉，最后一次使用反讽），自那天相约后，你已有了一个决定。我尊重你的决定。

再见：亦是朋友。

再祝：我们好聚好散。

I never saved anything for the trip back, do you? at 11:00 PM

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Happy Birthday To 丘羽

On your 1st birthday since I knew you, the Chicken Clan hiked to your house under the MRT track to surprise you with a KFC meal and watching 孤男寡女 on VCD. You silently told me at that point of time that you didn't like KFC. I know, and I was very guilty that I forgot about it.

On your 2nd birthday since I knew you, we had fallen out with each other. My conductress's birthday fell on the same day as you, and I remembered the choir celebrating her birthday in the AVA theatre while I excused myself to the washroom. How could I celebrate another person's birthday (no matter how much I respect her) while I don't even pass a greeting to you?

On your 3rd birthday since I knew you, I was recovering from a serious illness. The illness took away all my energy and gradually sapped me of my memories of the past, including you.

On your 4th birthday since I knew you, I stepped onto Tekong once again for BMT recourse. When I told Youjie about the date some time before, he paused for a while but didn't say anything at all. I knew he recalled you and was refraining himself from mentioning you in front of me. But... my father's death took away whatever will I had to live on, and I was a floating entity.

On your 5th birthday since I knew you, we were about to start our new lives as civilians. You were flying to Toronto and I was staying put. We celebrated your birthday at Secret Recipe at Plaza Singapura. We talked as if nothing had happened, or was it something had happened? We still talked, nonetheless. A sort of familiarity across a vast distance.

On your 6th birthday since I met you, I was down with a fever. After the fever, life took another turn for me. Finally realizing that I am not up to it academically, I turned to the superficial appeal. Finally, after falling from grace 3 years back, I found a new identity.

On this 7th birthday since I met you, I had sent the letter of apology and we cleared the air between us. I know the next time we meet will be an awkward situation because we'll be facing each other under a different circumstance.

Not like the heart-to-heart chat we had at the bench below the library; not like the cross-talk over campfire at Ban Muangna. Not like the Cold War awkwardness at Pizza Hut where I was sandwiched between you and Youjie; not like the nonchalent crapping at PS; not like the silence that fell between us for 5 years.

How do we go from then?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I know I'm being cliche and un-creative but the 2 lyrics below were written especially for the cause of our friendship. One was a commemeration of the friendship between the 2 of us, and the other a lament for the broken ties.

My friend, my friend, we have known each other for 6 and a half years, of these, 5 and a half years apart (socially and geographically). Somehow, I still feel we could have did something better out of this friendship.

《聚离》

词：冷夜（翻自：终身美丽/不能承受的感动）

黎明前一分钟日和夜的交错

屋顶上你我看草地渐渐染红

你用一双最真挚的手牵引我每次感动

陪我走一段绚丽的彩虹

我会为你收留刹那眼角的闪烁

当你回头看我这份爱是否依旧

无奈我们离别了以后青草地不再染红

回忆只留那一分钟问离别是否太冲动

这一刻你的心情是否有我一样说不尽

我以万根手指感应在日出你我的呼吸

我们永远在一起就算黑夜见不到天明

这一刻你是否想起回忆里面的痕迹

只留下最初的点滴激情

黄昏前一分钟你和我再相逢

夕阳下你我已不见往日笑容

我们没开口我的心却只是凝望着你就微微颤抖

你终于哭着说

朋友那时离别是太冲动

这一刻你的心情是否有我一样说不尽

我以万根手指感应在日出你我的呼吸

我们永远在一起谁说黑夜见不到天明

这一刻你是否想起握着幸福的手心

只剩下最初的点滴激情

这一刻我不会忘记万般等待的美丽

你是否也感觉到我的用心

Started on Feb 2001, completed on Nov 2002

《秋雨》

词：冷叶（翻自：花园）

微风带来你微笑的双眼

回忆不再是孤独到永远

你用温柔洗去我心中遍地落叶

无论度过多少黑夜都会有晴天

朋友不单是阳光的季节

一句话也能够让伊甸幻灭

如果未来已注定充满荆棘危险

地平线就是旅途的终点

祈祷幸福别走远

给我勇气实现我的诺言

祈祷秋天别走远

给我时间实现你的心愿

才发现我的泪不经意洒满天

化成雨灌溉你我的心田

永远只属于两条平行线

没聚点才不会越走越远

可是没有微风如何拾去落叶

地平线只是美丽的误会

祈祷幸福别走远

给我勇气实现我的诺言

祈祷秋天别走远

给我时间实现你的心愿

才发现我的泪不经意洒满天

化成雨灌溉你我的心田

期待明天还能够默默拥抱这感觉

就算秋雨再多狂再多冷也要用心去体会

Completed on 23 Nov 2005

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Since writing lyrics is so uncreative and so passive, I thought I would do something more practical. Then I remembered something Youjie reveled to me on our outing last fri: making pasta.

He was buying some spaghetti to go home and try cooking, in preparation for his SEP life for next 4 months. So I was thinking: yup, pasta is one of the easiest food to prepare, if we do not include the pasta sauce, which can be bought ready in NTUC.

But then, I was contemplating over how I should go about preparing, cos I know my mum will definitely scream at me. I procrastinated and procrastinated till I finished my afternoon nap where I did a virtual run of the cooking process in my sleep.

My ingredients are super simple: Fuscilli, Pasta Sauce, Minced Chicken Meat and Diced Mushroom. Voila! ok lah, it's not as easy as I thought.

1st precaution: DO NOT BELIEVE THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE PACKAGE OF THE PASTA.

nabeh... it said boil for 7 min and the end product was still tough and hard, machiam maggi mee in BOILED water a la army style.

Make it 9 min, medium-high heat.

2nd precaution: Never have mum around. She makes me feel like an ID.

She took over when I was trying to open the can of mushrooms, she took over when I was trying to fry the chicken and she took over to wash the kwali (only this was what I was grateful for).

So, prepare to cook while boiling the pasta. Heat the pan, pour the oil, add the garlic, nabeh... forgot what else...

oh... 3rd precaution: The ready-minced chicken from NTUC has a layer of paper below it. Be sure not to add it in when you dump the chicken into the pan.

No, I DIDN'T forget about the paper, k...

Stir-fry, then add the sauce. Then the mushroom. Then let it simmer while you drain the pasta.

Dump everything into the kwali and stir-fry till it's not watery, a la NUS Biz Canteen style.

And then the more easy, poser part, which is to prepare to eat:

20-min pasta...

Lessons learnt:

-+ Add in green capsicum the next time round, cos my pasta today looked like a bloody mess.

-+ Add pepper, cos I like the peppery taste.

-+ Use sliced sausage rather than chicken. Chicken, you risk it uncooked. Sausages, you only risk it chao-tar. ie: instead of cooking chicken 1st then the others, everything (sausage, mushroom and sauce) can be dumped in together.

And this dish is for my friend in Toronto, though I suppose he could be getting sick of it after all these years.

It seemed like 拜拜, but well, it's the thought that counts. For a serving of 4, I helped eat his share.

And nabeh... i thought pasta was easy to prepare. Budden, 20 min is short enough (eliminating shopping time).

Next time, shall try to make the sauce from scratch.

Maybe next time = next year...

I never saved anything for the trip back, do you? at 12:00 AM

Monday, July 10, 2006

Friends & Family (*warning: ultra long post)

Had a tumultous 2 days, I suppose.

1st, on the morning after my last entry, I fell out with my JC gang. Sort of.

It started off with hf chiding me that I shouldn't have allowed her mum to keep the MJ table even as she offered to do so.

I got quite du lan with her accusations and I shot her back with my grouches. The group parted on a bad note.

Somehow, I feel that this is a friendship where its members aren't actively preserving the fire in us.

I have friends who can agree to come out for a chillout at the last minute, even if it means the chillout is further from their home than their workplace is.

I have friends who understand that I live far from the city and they make sure that every time we meet, it will be a fruitful gathering.

But of course they don't fall into the same group.

My belief for a stable friendship is whereby most of the members do their best to preserve the friendship, is that so difficult?

It's not about how much I receive, cos whatever that is contributed is distributed to everyone in the gang. It's about how much you are willing to contribute.

One of the main reason I was du lan with hf was that despite my contributions, she kept demanding more from me, without contributing more herself. Why is it that we must ALWAYS meet at places convenient to them but not me? The place we meet that is closest to my home is Marina Sq.

And when I make the effort to go down to play mahjong, they only played one round of it and they either sleep or watch soccer. Hello? You guys asked me out to play mahjong and you guys played so little of it? The last time we played MJ, they stopped at exactly after midnite, when cabs become exceedingly expensive to take home. We ended up sleeping for 6 hrs at her home to wait for 1st bus.

I don't know how to put it in words, but that was the scenario.

I can calculate the distance I travel by counting the number of stations, the number of times I have to change public transport, the number of expressways, the amount of fares I pay or the outings that I will otherwise miss. But I kept silent until now. And even as I sound out, I was given the 'YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A SENSELESS, IMMATURE BOY' treatment.

I made an effort to come down from Punggol all the way to CCK to spend quality time with you, but you chose to while it away.

And if you ask someone to come from across the island to meet you, shouldn't you make an effort to be on time? Why disappear at the last minute saying you are stuck at another outing with your friends? YOU INVITE ME AND YOU ARE LATE. 1 hr after meeting you, YOU SLEEP. It just goes to show where I stand in your priority list and it upsets me to know how low I rank.

YOU MAKE AN APPT, YOU KEEP THE APPT AND NOT MAKE ANOTHER APPT THAT OVERLAPS THE PRESENT ONE.

Back to the original issue that sparked everything. I don't see any mistake in letting her mum carry the table.

1st: She ordered me to stop carrying. After working so long with elderly, I understand that the best thing you can do for an elderly is to let them have their way. But well, this is not a lonely elderly we are talking. BUT SHE IS NOT BAI KA BAI QIU.

2nd: I AM A GUEST. 过门就是客. And it is not as if I didn't carry the table OUT, set it up and set up the chairs. If it was the case where I just stood around for the whole night and yet let an elder do stuff for me, yes, I'm at fault.

But I didn't.

If I were to be in hf's shoes, IF i didn't want my mum to do the chores, I would have taken over the job instead of ordering my guests at home to do it and blaming them for not helping.

So, are my comments constructive?

Unfortunately, there are people in the world who chose to believe that people like me who always laugh around cannot be listened to. Because people who laugh around = people not serious = people who can't think.

So when I gave my points, they gave me the YOU ARE A KID treatment.

I treat you dearly and you treat me like SHIT.

Backtrack a few years back when I was stuck and busy in the army and you guys are studying. We barely met for the 2 years cos everyone was busy.

Now that the tables are turned, I try not to let history repeats itself.

Who organized outing during term time? Who organized outing despite the impending exams? Do you ever realize NS is just like working where we face unreasonable boss/colleagues, work overtime and work overnite regularly? Who didn't face the problems you face?

Are my contributions so insignificant that you guys just keep asking for more?

I don't need recognition, I just need you to stop demanding from me, cos I'm tired trying to keep up with this friendship that seems to be thriving on my zeal and drive alone.

I am angry cos I am tired. Can you guys feel for me?

At least for my other gangs, there are people who felt my burden and took over once in a while. They organized outings, they find places convenient for me and they lingered around long enough for us to enjoy each other's company and yet I could catch the last train. They don't calculate with me the loss of sleep they end up losing cos they know I lost more on the ride home.

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I sent my mum to check her arm, cos 2 weeks after her fall, her bruise didn't go away.

It was really torturous to sacrifice my sleep to wait indefinitely in the polyclinic.

But she complained of dizziness last sat, so I was worried there could be concussion, which was what the GP told us to look out for. I was afraid of the impending costs of scans and such, so I suggested going to polyclinic.

Anyways, I took a sneak peek at the X-ray report while walking from the X-ray centre to the clinic, cos I couldn't resist my curiousity. And I must admit my heart sank when it said positive for fractures. Cracks, to be exact, with no displacement. And there was serious haemorrhage.

I was so worried till the doc assured me that my mum's osteo won't affect her rate of recovery and that all she needed was to rest her arm. Her dizziness was probably due to her high blood pressure, cos if she were to have concussion, it would have happen sooner.

But there are illness/injuries that can never be spotted sooner. After my dad, I can't get easy with my mum. Yes, i get overly paranoid, but there's no way I'm gonna lose another loved one the same way. Yes, i still scream at my mum at times, but when something happens to her, I still get paranoid.

I'm still scared.

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Back to friends, but this time new friends.

They are cute, they are lovely and they are full of drive. And yes, i make an effort to join them in their outings as much as I can.

I hope to gain their trust and friendship, and to do so, I have to contribute.

I don't know, it could be that because I was too engrossed in this new and fascinating friendship that I started to neglect/grumble/risk my other, older ones. I hope not. I'm trying to check myself, but well, it's hard.

There are really people whom I enjoyed hanging out with, although I don't know at this stage how we'll turn out. Right now, we are 酒肉朋友, cos we haf not met with any 'crisis' just yet. But I'm worried and reluctant to face a crisis, cos behind each one is a fair chance of make or break.

But it's precisely the fact that we are 酒肉朋友 that makes me so much want to stick with them. cos well, 酒肉朋友 are feel-good friends. They are like chocolates that give you the temporary sense of satisfaction that needs to be fed consistently.

I hope, I really hope, that we can/have already level up to the status of stable friends under the guise of 酒肉朋友. ie, the stability and sweetness combined. Fat hope, I know. But who knows?

One extra friendship is one that I will treasure and put effort in.

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I have to blog about someone, but as you should understand, my words for you can't be filled in to a section of an entry alone. I promise you I will devote an entry for you; it's half-filled le. I just need time to fine tune it.

Please, don't give up. As I've said, a stable relationship depends on the combined effort we put in. If you keep saying you are giving up, I won't be able to go long also, cos I'm not strong enough to support, drive and fuel the r/s entirely on my own.

I need you.

I never saved anything for the trip back, do you? at 11:05 PM