Friends & Family (*warning: ultra long post)

Had a tumultous 2 days, I suppose.

1st, on the morning after my last entry, I fell out with my JC gang. Sort of.

It started off with hf chiding me that I shouldn't have allowed her mum to keep the MJ table even as she offered to do so.

I got quite du lan with her accusations and I shot her back with my grouches. The group parted on a bad note.

Somehow, I feel that this is a friendship where its members aren't actively preserving the fire in us.

I have friends who can agree to come out for a chillout at the last minute, even if it means the chillout is further from their home than their workplace is.

I have friends who understand that I live far from the city and they make sure that every time we meet, it will be a fruitful gathering.

But of course they don't fall into the same group.

My belief for a stable friendship is whereby most of the members do their best to preserve the friendship, is that so difficult?

It's not about how much I receive, cos whatever that is contributed is distributed to everyone in the gang. It's about how much you are willing to contribute.

One of the main reason I was du lan with hf was that despite my contributions, she kept demanding more from me, without contributing more herself. Why is it that we must ALWAYS meet at places convenient to them but not me? The place we meet that is closest to my home is Marina Sq.

And when I make the effort to go down to play mahjong, they only played one round of it and they either sleep or watch soccer. Hello? You guys asked me out to play mahjong and you guys played so little of it? The last time we played MJ, they stopped at exactly after midnite, when cabs become exceedingly expensive to take home. We ended up sleeping for 6 hrs at her home to wait for 1st bus.

I don't know how to put it in words, but that was the scenario.

I can calculate the distance I travel by counting the number of stations, the number of times I have to change public transport, the number of expressways, the amount of fares I pay or the outings that I will otherwise miss. But I kept silent until now. And even as I sound out, I was given the 'YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A SENSELESS, IMMATURE BOY' treatment.

I made an effort to come down from Punggol all the way to CCK to spend quality time with you, but you chose to while it away.

And if you ask someone to come from across the island to meet you, shouldn't you make an effort to be on time? Why disappear at the last minute saying you are stuck at another outing with your friends? YOU INVITE ME AND YOU ARE LATE. 1 hr after meeting you, YOU SLEEP. It just goes to show where I stand in your priority list and it upsets me to know how low I rank.

YOU MAKE AN APPT, YOU KEEP THE APPT AND NOT MAKE ANOTHER APPT THAT OVERLAPS THE PRESENT ONE.

Back to the original issue that sparked everything. I don't see any mistake in letting her mum carry the table.

1st: She ordered me to stop carrying. After working so long with elderly, I understand that the best thing you can do for an elderly is to let them have their way. But well, this is not a lonely elderly we are talking. BUT SHE IS NOT BAI KA BAI QIU.

2nd: I AM A GUEST. 过门就是客. And it is not as if I didn't carry the table OUT, set it up and set up the chairs. If it was the case where I just stood around for the whole night and yet let an elder do stuff for me, yes, I'm at fault.

But I didn't.

If I were to be in hf's shoes, IF i didn't want my mum to do the chores, I would have taken over the job instead of ordering my guests at home to do it and blaming them for not helping.

So, are my comments constructive?

Unfortunately, there are people in the world who chose to believe that people like me who always laugh around cannot be listened to. Because people who laugh around = people not serious = people who can't think.

So when I gave my points, they gave me the YOU ARE A KID treatment.

I treat you dearly and you treat me like SHIT.

Backtrack a few years back when I was stuck and busy in the army and you guys are studying. We barely met for the 2 years cos everyone was busy.

Now that the tables are turned, I try not to let history repeats itself.

Who organized outing during term time? Who organized outing despite the impending exams? Do you ever realize NS is just like working where we face unreasonable boss/colleagues, work overtime and work overnite regularly? Who didn't face the problems you face?

Are my contributions so insignificant that you guys just keep asking for more?

I don't need recognition, I just need you to stop demanding from me, cos I'm tired trying to keep up with this friendship that seems to be thriving on my zeal and drive alone.

I am angry cos I am tired. Can you guys feel for me?

At least for my other gangs, there are people who felt my burden and took over once in a while. They organized outings, they find places convenient for me and they lingered around long enough for us to enjoy each other's company and yet I could catch the last train. They don't calculate with me the loss of sleep they end up losing cos they know I lost more on the ride home.

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I sent my mum to check her arm, cos 2 weeks after her fall, her bruise didn't go away.

It was really torturous to sacrifice my sleep to wait indefinitely in the polyclinic.

But she complained of dizziness last sat, so I was worried there could be concussion, which was what the GP told us to look out for. I was afraid of the impending costs of scans and such, so I suggested going to polyclinic.

Anyways, I took a sneak peek at the X-ray report while walking from the X-ray centre to the clinic, cos I couldn't resist my curiousity. And I must admit my heart sank when it said positive for fractures. Cracks, to be exact, with no displacement. And there was serious haemorrhage.

I was so worried till the doc assured me that my mum's osteo won't affect her rate of recovery and that all she needed was to rest her arm. Her dizziness was probably due to her high blood pressure, cos if she were to have concussion, it would have happen sooner.

But there are illness/injuries that can never be spotted sooner. After my dad, I can't get easy with my mum. Yes, i get overly paranoid, but there's no way I'm gonna lose another loved one the same way. Yes, i still scream at my mum at times, but when something happens to her, I still get paranoid.

I'm still scared.

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Back to friends, but this time new friends.

They are cute, they are lovely and they are full of drive. And yes, i make an effort to join them in their outings as much as I can.

I hope to gain their trust and friendship, and to do so, I have to contribute.

I don't know, it could be that because I was too engrossed in this new and fascinating friendship that I started to neglect/grumble/risk my other, older ones. I hope not. I'm trying to check myself, but well, it's hard.

There are really people whom I enjoyed hanging out with, although I don't know at this stage how we'll turn out. Right now, we are 酒肉朋友, cos we haf not met with any 'crisis' just yet. But I'm worried and reluctant to face a crisis, cos behind each one is a fair chance of make or break.

But it's precisely the fact that we are 酒肉朋友 that makes me so much want to stick with them. cos well, 酒肉朋友 are feel-good friends. They are like chocolates that give you the temporary sense of satisfaction that needs to be fed consistently.

I hope, I really hope, that we can/have already level up to the status of stable friends under the guise of 酒肉朋友. ie, the stability and sweetness combined. Fat hope, I know. But who knows?

One extra friendship is one that I will treasure and put effort in.

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I have to blog about someone, but as you should understand, my words for you can't be filled in to a section of an entry alone. I promise you I will devote an entry for you; it's half-filled le. I just need time to fine tune it.

Please, don't give up. As I've said, a stable relationship depends on the combined effort we put in. If you keep saying you are giving up, I won't be able to go long also, cos I'm not strong enough to support, drive and fuel the r/s entirely on my own.

I need you.