The Inside of The Fence ~ Deep in Thots

2006-09-09T01:05:00.000+08:00

zenov Loves His Friends

zenov is in blogging mood tonight and speaking of friends, zenov started to think of some weird theories like he always did. Well, perhaps they are not theories, but just some thoughts.

zenov realized he could not get near anybody, emotionally or psychologically. It was what contributed to his anti-social nature. Yes, he can get all touchy, but physical intimacy can never transcend the emotional counterpart, which in zenov's opinion, is what makes a true relationship (in broad terms) work.

Why does zenov distance himself emotionally?

zenov thought and thought and came up with a few reasons of his own.

First, it could be the fear of getting hurt bah. After all, Not all relationships will turn out well. Even worse, zenov could be 自作多情. He treats people dearly and people treats him like a normal friend. And what about going to a point when you know a person so well and then suddenly something happened to dash all the friendship karma you built? zenov is scared.

Secondly, zenov dunch know how to interact with people well. There are times when zenov says something extra that ends up irritating people, or says something that people can't catch (usually the former). zenov dunch know how to express his love for his friends, or perhaps his way of expression is so different from the norm that other people catch no ball. zenov is afraid that by always calling people up to ask them to accompany him will make the friends feel he's very irritating and thus get turned off by his presence.

Thirdly, zenov doesn't know how to deal with emotional trifes. Friends come to him to talk about intimate stuff and zenov either: couldn't offer sound advice or encouragement or end up saying the wrong words to aggravate the matter. He believes in telling the truth, but sometimes, people cannot take the truth. What's more, zenov's weird theories only work on himself, not on others. So zenov tries not to induce friends into consulting him on intimate stuff, cos he knows both parties will go away blur-blur.

Of cos, besides offering advice, zenov also finds it difficult to bare his heart to certain personal issues. After all, he has never really bared his heart at all. If he ever tells something personal, it's most probably something that happened long time ago and has no immediate effect upon the disclosure of the matter. zenov feels insecure about telling intimate stuff, cos he dunch know what the other party will think of him. Will they think he's being naggy and irritating? Or will they pretend to be nice when in actual fact what they said was just standard answers and they dunch give a hoot about zenov's feelings.

zenov, in an attempt to jump out of the fence, has actually remained all these while on the inside of the fence. He was still sitting on the fence overlooking the plains that spoke of freedom and promising future. Of better opportunities and of better people he meets but never dared to approach.

Right now, zenov ponders about the role he's playing in the social circles he is in. Actually, zenov dunch think something will come out of the 'pondering process', cos without a 'higher knowledge' of the world and the interactions of people, he can never attain immortality in the world of interpersonal relations.

Bonne nuit.

2006-08-10T00:24:00.000+08:00

My Post Nat'l Day Message

Good (whatever time you are reading this) Readers,

The past year has been a rather peaceful, if not dull period for zenovia!. zenov went crazy and became (more of) a fashion geek, he went through a period of bad luck at the turn of the year, stumbled upon some flowers and then, went into orientation and came back with a loadful of friends and inspiration.

Despite all the unfulfilled resolutions due to procrastination, zenovia! still did fairly well. zenov did something good, that is to join CSC. He could have gained more from it, but he will recover what he missed, in addition to future quota. Together, zenov I, II & III will strive to make zenovia! a better place where they can call their Home.

zenov watched part of The History of Singapore, a documentary commissioned by former PM of said country and found an interesting part: LKY said that during Sook Ching (you faggards out there who are S'poreans BUT dunno wat SC is should go jump off the LBS Memorial screaming 'i'm a traitor!!'), when he believed that he could be executed, he gave an excuse, went back home and 'lied low'.

1st lesson learnt: When you are a big shot, you use big shot language. 'Go into hiding' is for LC ah bengs. High Class people like zenov uses 'lie low' a la LKY-style.

2nd lesson learnt: A very inspiring lesson for zenov. Despite what he did in the past, there's still a chance to make it big. LKY 'lied low', but if he hadn't, he'd be one of the unnamed skeletons found in Changi Beach. He was inferior in popularity to some Lim-guy (don't kill me, I really forgot), but he ended up as S'pore's 1st PM just the same.

zenov believes that despite his humble beginnings and shameful NS years, he can still be the CEO he dreamt to be at the age of 40. It means, he can be a CEO at 40, not he's dreaming of being CEO at 40. zenov still 19, k?

zenov also watched NDP at some cha can ting at east coast. He saw the performance and thought:

If I were a singer, my dream will be to sing the theme song at NDP.

If I were a chemist (or terrorists, as some may call chem grads as), I'd design the most dramatic fireworks for S'poreans to watch.

If I were to be a movie director, I'd write and direct a Cannes-cum-Berlin-cum-Venice-Film-Fest-Award-Winning movie.

If I were to be a rocket scientist, I'd invent a super oil-efficient, big and long haul aeroplane and only let SIA uses it.

If I were to be an architect, I'd build the tallest, most glam, most awe-inspiring, most iconic building the world will ever see, called 黄城.

If I were a programmer, I'd design a game that will brainwash everybody to want to come to S'pore for vacation every quarterly to buy over-priced paperweight made from the rubble from building Circle Line and IR.

If I were to be Storm (from X-men, if you are a sua gu), I'd wreak a quarterly hurricane to destroy all oil rigs not Made In Singapore so that people will start to order oil rigs only from Singapore. I'd also knock all planes which are not heading to or from Singapore down and tell them to know what's better for them. ok, I'm gonna be Super Storm if I were to do that...

If I were Bill Gates, I'd migrate to Singapore and transfer Microsoft HQ there.

If I were Steve Jobs, I'd sell Apple to Creative at $1, rupiah. Then iPods will adopt a new name, called zen-0-v.

Oh well, digressed.

zenov will continue to work hard towards attaining one of those goals, ~~such that SAF will not recall him for ICT or mob manning ever again~~ for the glory of Singapore.

C'est tout.

oh yar, zenov hopes to convert Singapore's official language to the beautiful language of French, IF he were to be President of USA.

2006-07-31T21:38:00.000+08:00

患难见真情

我实在太感动了。

因为放弃SEP，所以得要求OSA给我一间PGP的房间。可是无情的OSA都不考虑我的个案，没考虑我住在偏远的榜鹅，把我放到毫无机会可言的WAITING LIST，而且还是没被优先考虑的INTERMEDIATE WAITING LIST。也就是说：我得到一间房的机会等于零。

向朋友求救后，有人愿意出租他家里的一间房给我，也有人问说是否能把他得到的校宿转名让给我。

我很实在地回答道我会拉下脸皮接受他的意见，因为我毕竟是为了学业而放弃SEP，也因而落得如此窘境。未能住得靠近学校，也就会影响我的学业。毕竟我前一年因为没住在学校而学业退步，所以我愿意尽我所能搬到靠近学校的地方。

虽然说转名的事宜成功率渺茫，但能有朋友肯为了我而作出这种打算，也就表示我们友谊的深厚。

我很感动。我很高兴。

有了好朋友，我会为了生活，为了学业加油。把懒惰虫打死，努力不懈，不让为我付出的朋友们失望。

=)

2006-07-26T00:21:00.000+08:00

2 Major Decisions (edited)

Made 2 decisions last wed, 2 seemingly unrelated decisions. I told some close friends about one or the other le. There are other close friends whom I can't find a good chance to relate to. But well, this is what blogs are for. You create a chance so friends can make use of the chance. ~sidetrack, nvm~

1st, I decided to withdraw from SEP. Understanding friends should know how much I desire to go for SEP. I don't know how to go about explaining why I desire to go, but the fact is, I desire.

But as what is quoted from Gattaca: You try so hard to get away from a place and when you do, you find a reason to stay.

I found a few reasons, which could be collectively made as a reason. No matter how I phrase it, anybody will be offended.

You see, at the point of applying for SEP last oct, I had nothing to lose. I had friends with such close ties that I know nothing will affect our friendship whether anot I go away. You guys, are not my reason for staying. You can be happy, you can be sad, depending on how you see it.

But after I applied for SEP, people came and filled my life. Some touched my heart, some just disappeared. But there are some whom I believe can last for my lifetime and yet I have so little time for them before I leave them.

Relationships (this is a collective term, cos I know some people narrow-mindedly refers r/s as BGR) at this infant stage needs time to nurture and can go awry before you realize. Do I leave and risk losing some of the relationships or do I stay, though good results are not guaranteed?

And then, there are the official reasons that I gave to OSA, reasons that reflect my thoughts, but modified to be 'official'.

CCA, and CAP.

I need to pull my CAP up. If I forgo this sem, I forgo an opportunity to pull it up.

The repercussions of this decision is to apply for withdrawal and asking OSA for a place in PGP. Get a place before school starts and so I can start to mug for my CAP.

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2nd decision was the tacit agreement with someone to end the courtship. Courtship --> I don't even have a better name for it. We're not officially together, but we were together. oh well...

We met, she asked me some questions and showed me her diary.

She said she don't understand me anymore, but frankly speaking, I don't understand her too, right from the start. Which was why I said, right from the start, that we should work towards understanding each other. No hurry to be lovers, cos understanding is the 2nd most important factor in BGR.

She hid her feelings and thoughts, wrote it down in a diary and showed it to me and... should I have hugged her and cried/kissed her, as suggested by tC?

She said I made her wait for my sms. I never give a thought about sms cos they were something so trivial. Everybody knows that sms could not be trusted to be on time. I received an sms (hp showed: 1 message received), and while opening that sms, I saw her sms appearing next in line. But when I went back to the inbox, the sms was no longer there.

So I sms her to resend the sms. In her diary, she said she sent that sms 4 days ago. She griped that 1) I don't reply her sms, 2) I lost her sms.

But of cos, she lamented that I never replied her other sms with stuff like: I'm going off to sleep le, gd nite. She lamented that I don't sms her often enough. She lamented that I don't have her in my mind.

She griped (diary) that I didn't ask her out again after I got rejected in March. She said (diary) that I was not active enough all these while, but no, she don't want to take the initiative. On the other hand, she kept telling me she was not confident to accept me. She told me to not wait for her and should I find someone2, I should go ahead and get her. She told me she was too boring so I should consider giving her up.

She said I don't have her in my mind cos I am going for SEP. And that if I have her on my mind, I would not have applied for it (there is a difference between the 2 sentences, don't pick on it).

How am I gonna fend for myself? At the point of application, she was with R. I didn't see ourselves together in the near future.

Now?

I am a super-rational person, so I weigh all my options from a 3rd party's point of view. I know my desire to go on SEP, the childhood desire to go overseas for studies, is so immense that one r/s that's hanging in the air is not going to stop me. Why should I forgo a childhood dream when no one's gonna commit to me? And cos of this, I would rather everything remains as status quo when I leave, cos I don't want her to commit to me and yet I am gone so she has to wait for me.

It's unfair for me to give up a dream for her undecided love, and unfair for her to wait for me.

So why not let everything stays as it is? After all, right from the start, I said that we should start building on our understanding, no rush to be lovers.

So yes, she was not the sole reason that I gave up SEP, but she was one of the considering factors when I did. ie when I did consider giving up SEP, she was one of the reasons.

She said that she don't (note the present tense) believe the lyrics that I wrote for another friend (《暗箭》) wasn't me trying to hint to her that I had some misforgivings about her. I explained to her that it WASN'T and that the intro before the lyrics explained the rationale why I wrote it, which was that I was backstabbed recently (go read it through the link).

She don't believe there could be such a coincidence. I don't believe there is a coincidence in the 1st place. I explained to her before and she chose not to believe me.

She asked me whether I fell in love with any girl from E3. I said no. She apparently doubted my answer.

If falling in love is easy, then I wouldn't have been so serious with a girl for the 1st time in my life; I wouldn't have 90% of my close friends as girls and not falling for any of them.

When I told chio bu about this part, he simply commented: huh? I don't even think you will lie for such a serious thing lor. Even amanda, with whom my acquaintance did not match the GC, knew I am a bad liar. I hide things, yes, but I can't lie.

Now comes to the 1st building block of r/s (collective term): Trust. Fact: GC guys trust me. I keep the gossips that I was told to keep a secret a secret. and I only knew them for slightly more than a month. I weighed my options correctly and I was right to make a big sacrifice for them.

But still, it doesn't mean that I didn't even put her in consideration. Believe it or not, 任君选择.

Girls tell me it's the job of men to decipher women's thoughts, to pamper them and shower them with all the attention you can give.

I tell them it's no wonder the number of gays is rising.

As I've mentioned in the previous post, what I'm looking for is a lifelong partner, not a pet. I'm looking to build a binary star system and not a single-focus universe. If you look at old couples and ask them what they gained from their r/s, it's the accompaniment and NOT the superficial stuff that they used to do to show their affection for each other.

Yes, I do admit that I did not spend enough time for her.

I do admit that I failed to fulfil the 'promises' I made. But... we didn't even start proper for me to fulfil the promises.

I do admit that I was indignant at being viewed as a low-class, superficial, insincere, primal, insensitive and no-heart entity. Maybe there are a lot of people out there who also viewed me as such, but I do not think I am.

But because I have such a high esteem of myself (not excluding the fact that I'm selfish, and how spiteful I sound now), I do not think I should force someone to continue trying to accept me.

Friends can do just as well.

After all, 90% of my close friends are girls.

And yar, more and more guys are turning gays. Maybe I should go take a Q number.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I had a very long and thorough talk with zw and sh on wed, and spent a lot of time talking about the above.

Conclusion: I am not mature enough for someone, yes. I do not fit the bill.

2006-07-24T23:00:00.000+08:00

错，什么错？

就在大约一个礼拜前，某人对我说我做的不够。

我的罪行在每一行、每一字间一一点出。没有我惯用的双关语，没有引摄、暗喻和前呼后应。

所以，我将以最浅白的方式表达我的见解。

你说：

我总是挑起你的兴趣却又让你失望。

我没有积极地投入这段感情。

我不回你的简讯。

我对你有所隐瞒我心中的不满，以至你对我的了解日益改变。

你怀疑我心中有新的她。

我说：

我第一次约你，你说你需要更多的时间来面对刚遭受的挫折。我就给你时间。伤口愈合的时间并不是三两天所能达到的，所以我没有如你所愿，在下一个星期，或下下个星期（直至两个月后）再找你。

我终于约你后，你一再地表示你需要时间来面对上一次的情伤。我若在此时急于压迫你，岂非君子？你要的时间、空间我都给了。

我的个性如此。我不但会莫名失踪，不回简讯，我也曾对密友说过：要做我的终身伴侣的人，一定要了解到我身边90%的好友都是女生。我不可能为了一个无法迁就我的人生的人而解散我这些年来建造的友谊。依此类推，简讯乃升外物，非心灵所需。依此类推，我的懒惰是与生具来的。

我已表明那段歌词所含的真正内容，以及它的对象，若你还心存怀疑，那我也无话可说。信任是建筑情感最大的支柱，若连我刚认识一个月的朋友都能如此对我信赖，更何况是你？了解是建筑情感的第二大支柱，若我的一点简单的思想抒发都无法通过你的信赖、认可，那我也无能为力。

我也已表示：信任。

你也许回家后又会埋怨我为何如此洒脱地答应你要我们退回朋友的位置。以上皆是我的理由。我很高兴能够有那么一次面对面的对话，让我知道你心中的埋怨，也让我了解我们感情的走向。抱歉，又使用了双关语。

很遗憾我又是用这种方式做回应，因为我不只思想愚顿（抱歉，使用了反讽）而且我最容易使用文字来表达自己的思想。无论外界对于我的观点有多崇尚或贬低，那都是我的想法（抱歉，离题）。

我想（抱歉，最后一次使用反讽），自那天相约后，你已有了一个决定。我尊重你的决定。

再见：亦是朋友。

再祝：我们好聚好散。

2006-07-23T00:00:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday To 丘羽

On your 1st birthday since I knew you, the Chicken Clan hiked to your house under the MRT track to surprise you with a KFC meal and watching 孤男寡女 on VCD. You silently told me at that point of time that you didn't like KFC. I know, and I was very guilty that I forgot about it.

On your 2nd birthday since I knew you, we had fallen out with each other. My conductress's birthday fell on the same day as you, and I remembered the choir celebrating her birthday in the AVA theatre while I excused myself to the washroom. How could I celebrate another person's birthday (no matter how much I respect her) while I don't even pass a greeting to you?

On your 3rd birthday since I knew you, I was recovering from a serious illness. The illness took away all my energy and gradually sapped me of my memories of the past, including you.

On your 4th birthday since I knew you, I stepped onto Tekong once again for BMT recourse. When I told Youjie about the date some time before, he paused for a while but didn't say anything at all. I knew he recalled you and was refraining himself from mentioning you in front of me. But... my father's death took away whatever will I had to live on, and I was a floating entity.

On your 5th birthday since I knew you, we were about to start our new lives as civilians. You were flying to Toronto and I was staying put. We celebrated your birthday at Secret Recipe at Plaza Singapura. We talked as if nothing had happened, or was it something had happened? We still talked, nonetheless. A sort of familiarity across a vast distance.

On your 6th birthday since I met you, I was down with a fever. After the fever, life took another turn for me. Finally realizing that I am not up to it academically, I turned to the superficial appeal. Finally, after falling from grace 3 years back, I found a new identity.

On this 7th birthday since I met you, I had sent the letter of apology and we cleared the air between us. I know the next time we meet will be an awkward situation because we'll be facing each other under a different circumstance.

Not like the heart-to-heart chat we had at the bench below the library; not like the cross-talk over campfire at Ban Muangna. Not like the Cold War awkwardness at Pizza Hut where I was sandwiched between you and Youjie; not like the nonchalent crapping at PS; not like the silence that fell between us for 5 years.

How do we go from then?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I know I'm being cliche and un-creative but the 2 lyrics below were written especially for the cause of our friendship. One was a commemeration of the friendship between the 2 of us, and the other a lament for the broken ties.

My friend, my friend, we have known each other for 6 and a half years, of these, 5 and a half years apart (socially and geographically). Somehow, I still feel we could have did something better out of this friendship.

《聚离》

词：冷夜（翻自：终身美丽/不能承受的感动）

黎明前一分钟日和夜的交错

屋顶上你我看草地渐渐染红

你用一双最真挚的手牵引我每次感动

陪我走一段绚丽的彩虹

我会为你收留刹那眼角的闪烁

当你回头看我这份爱是否依旧

无奈我们离别了以后青草地不再染红

回忆只留那一分钟问离别是否太冲动

这一刻你的心情是否有我一样说不尽

我以万根手指感应在日出你我的呼吸

我们永远在一起就算黑夜见不到天明

这一刻你是否想起回忆里面的痕迹

只留下最初的点滴激情

黄昏前一分钟你和我再相逢

夕阳下你我已不见往日笑容

我们没开口我的心却只是凝望着你就微微颤抖

你终于哭着说

朋友那时离别是太冲动

这一刻你的心情是否有我一样说不尽

我以万根手指感应在日出你我的呼吸

我们永远在一起谁说黑夜见不到天明

这一刻你是否想起握着幸福的手心

只剩下最初的点滴激情

这一刻我不会忘记万般等待的美丽

你是否也感觉到我的用心

Started on Feb 2001, completed on Nov 2002

《秋雨》

词：冷叶（翻自：花园）

微风带来你微笑的双眼

回忆不再是孤独到永远

你用温柔洗去我心中遍地落叶

无论度过多少黑夜都会有晴天

朋友不单是阳光的季节

一句话也能够让伊甸幻灭

如果未来已注定充满荆棘危险

地平线就是旅途的终点

祈祷幸福别走远

给我勇气实现我的诺言

祈祷秋天别走远

给我时间实现你的心愿

才发现我的泪不经意洒满天

化成雨灌溉你我的心田

永远只属于两条平行线

没聚点才不会越走越远

可是没有微风如何拾去落叶

地平线只是美丽的误会

祈祷幸福别走远

给我勇气实现我的诺言

祈祷秋天别走远

给我时间实现你的心愿

才发现我的泪不经意洒满天

化成雨灌溉你我的心田

期待明天还能够默默拥抱这感觉

就算秋雨再多狂再多冷也要用心去体会

Completed on 23 Nov 2005

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Since writing lyrics is so uncreative and so passive, I thought I would do something more practical. Then I remembered something Youjie reveled to me on our outing last fri: making pasta.

He was buying some spaghetti to go home and try cooking, in preparation for his SEP life for next 4 months. So I was thinking: yup, pasta is one of the easiest food to prepare, if we do not include the pasta sauce, which can be bought ready in NTUC.

But then, I was contemplating over how I should go about preparing, cos I know my mum will definitely scream at me. I procrastinated and procrastinated till I finished my afternoon nap where I did a virtual run of the cooking process in my sleep.

My ingredients are super simple: Fuscilli, Pasta Sauce, Minced Chicken Meat and Diced Mushroom. Voila! ok lah, it's not as easy as I thought.

1st precaution: DO NOT BELIEVE THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE PACKAGE OF THE PASTA.

nabeh... it said boil for 7 min and the end product was still tough and hard, machiam maggi mee in BOILED water a la army style.

Make it 9 min, medium-high heat.

2nd precaution: Never have mum around. She makes me feel like an ID.

She took over when I was trying to open the can of mushrooms, she took over when I was trying to fry the chicken and she took over to wash the kwali (only this was what I was grateful for).

So, prepare to cook while boiling the pasta. Heat the pan, pour the oil, add the garlic, nabeh... forgot what else...

oh... 3rd precaution: The ready-minced chicken from NTUC has a layer of paper below it. Be sure not to add it in when you dump the chicken into the pan.

No, I DIDN'T forget about the paper, k...

Stir-fry, then add the sauce. Then the mushroom. Then let it simmer while you drain the pasta.

Dump everything into the kwali and stir-fry till it's not watery, a la NUS Biz Canteen style.

And then the more easy, poser part, which is to prepare to eat:

20-min pasta...

Lessons learnt:

-+ Add in green capsicum the next time round, cos my pasta today looked like a bloody mess.

-+ Add pepper, cos I like the peppery taste.

-+ Use sliced sausage rather than chicken. Chicken, you risk it uncooked. Sausages, you only risk it chao-tar. ie: instead of cooking chicken 1st then the others, everything (sausage, mushroom and sauce) can be dumped in together.

And this dish is for my friend in Toronto, though I suppose he could be getting sick of it after all these years.

It seemed like 拜拜, but well, it's the thought that counts. For a serving of 4, I helped eat his share.

And nabeh... i thought pasta was easy to prepare. Budden, 20 min is short enough (eliminating shopping time).

Next time, shall try to make the sauce from scratch.

Maybe next time = next year...

2006-07-10T23:05:00.000+08:00

Friends & Family (*warning: ultra long post)

Had a tumultous 2 days, I suppose.

1st, on the morning after my last entry, I fell out with my JC gang. Sort of.

It started off with hf chiding me that I shouldn't have allowed her mum to keep the MJ table even as she offered to do so.

I got quite du lan with her accusations and I shot her back with my grouches. The group parted on a bad note.

Somehow, I feel that this is a friendship where its members aren't actively preserving the fire in us.

I have friends who can agree to come out for a chillout at the last minute, even if it means the chillout is further from their home than their workplace is.

I have friends who understand that I live far from the city and they make sure that every time we meet, it will be a fruitful gathering.

But of course they don't fall into the same group.

My belief for a stable friendship is whereby most of the members do their best to preserve the friendship, is that so difficult?

It's not about how much I receive, cos whatever that is contributed is distributed to everyone in the gang. It's about how much you are willing to contribute.

One of the main reason I was du lan with hf was that despite my contributions, she kept demanding more from me, without contributing more herself. Why is it that we must ALWAYS meet at places convenient to them but not me? The place we meet that is closest to my home is Marina Sq.

And when I make the effort to go down to play mahjong, they only played one round of it and they either sleep or watch soccer. Hello? You guys asked me out to play mahjong and you guys played so little of it? The last time we played MJ, they stopped at exactly after midnite, when cabs become exceedingly expensive to take home. We ended up sleeping for 6 hrs at her home to wait for 1st bus.

I don't know how to put it in words, but that was the scenario.

I can calculate the distance I travel by counting the number of stations, the number of times I have to change public transport, the number of expressways, the amount of fares I pay or the outings that I will otherwise miss. But I kept silent until now. And even as I sound out, I was given the 'YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A SENSELESS, IMMATURE BOY' treatment.

I made an effort to come down from Punggol all the way to CCK to spend quality time with you, but you chose to while it away.

And if you ask someone to come from across the island to meet you, shouldn't you make an effort to be on time? Why disappear at the last minute saying you are stuck at another outing with your friends? YOU INVITE ME AND YOU ARE LATE. 1 hr after meeting you, YOU SLEEP. It just goes to show where I stand in your priority list and it upsets me to know how low I rank.

YOU MAKE AN APPT, YOU KEEP THE APPT AND NOT MAKE ANOTHER APPT THAT OVERLAPS THE PRESENT ONE.

Back to the original issue that sparked everything. I don't see any mistake in letting her mum carry the table.

1st: She ordered me to stop carrying. After working so long with elderly, I understand that the best thing you can do for an elderly is to let them have their way. But well, this is not a lonely elderly we are talking. BUT SHE IS NOT BAI KA BAI QIU.

2nd: I AM A GUEST. 过门就是客. And it is not as if I didn't carry the table OUT, set it up and set up the chairs. If it was the case where I just stood around for the whole night and yet let an elder do stuff for me, yes, I'm at fault.

But I didn't.

If I were to be in hf's shoes, IF i didn't want my mum to do the chores, I would have taken over the job instead of ordering my guests at home to do it and blaming them for not helping.

So, are my comments constructive?

Unfortunately, there are people in the world who chose to believe that people like me who always laugh around cannot be listened to. Because people who laugh around = people not serious = people who can't think.

So when I gave my points, they gave me the YOU ARE A KID treatment.

I treat you dearly and you treat me like SHIT.

Backtrack a few years back when I was stuck and busy in the army and you guys are studying. We barely met for the 2 years cos everyone was busy.

Now that the tables are turned, I try not to let history repeats itself.

Who organized outing during term time? Who organized outing despite the impending exams? Do you ever realize NS is just like working where we face unreasonable boss/colleagues, work overtime and work overnite regularly? Who didn't face the problems you face?

Are my contributions so insignificant that you guys just keep asking for more?

I don't need recognition, I just need you to stop demanding from me, cos I'm tired trying to keep up with this friendship that seems to be thriving on my zeal and drive alone.

I am angry cos I am tired. Can you guys feel for me?

At least for my other gangs, there are people who felt my burden and took over once in a while. They organized outings, they find places convenient for me and they lingered around long enough for us to enjoy each other's company and yet I could catch the last train. They don't calculate with me the loss of sleep they end up losing cos they know I lost more on the ride home.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I sent my mum to check her arm, cos 2 weeks after her fall, her bruise didn't go away.

It was really torturous to sacrifice my sleep to wait indefinitely in the polyclinic.

But she complained of dizziness last sat, so I was worried there could be concussion, which was what the GP told us to look out for. I was afraid of the impending costs of scans and such, so I suggested going to polyclinic.

Anyways, I took a sneak peek at the X-ray report while walking from the X-ray centre to the clinic, cos I couldn't resist my curiousity. And I must admit my heart sank when it said positive for fractures. Cracks, to be exact, with no displacement. And there was serious haemorrhage.

I was so worried till the doc assured me that my mum's osteo won't affect her rate of recovery and that all she needed was to rest her arm. Her dizziness was probably due to her high blood pressure, cos if she were to have concussion, it would have happen sooner.

But there are illness/injuries that can never be spotted sooner. After my dad, I can't get easy with my mum. Yes, i get overly paranoid, but there's no way I'm gonna lose another loved one the same way. Yes, i still scream at my mum at times, but when something happens to her, I still get paranoid.

I'm still scared.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Back to friends, but this time new friends.

They are cute, they are lovely and they are full of drive. And yes, i make an effort to join them in their outings as much as I can.

I hope to gain their trust and friendship, and to do so, I have to contribute.

I don't know, it could be that because I was too engrossed in this new and fascinating friendship that I started to neglect/grumble/risk my other, older ones. I hope not. I'm trying to check myself, but well, it's hard.

There are really people whom I enjoyed hanging out with, although I don't know at this stage how we'll turn out. Right now, we are 酒肉朋友, cos we haf not met with any 'crisis' just yet. But I'm worried and reluctant to face a crisis, cos behind each one is a fair chance of make or break.

But it's precisely the fact that we are 酒肉朋友 that makes me so much want to stick with them. cos well, 酒肉朋友 are feel-good friends. They are like chocolates that give you the temporary sense of satisfaction that needs to be fed consistently.

I hope, I really hope, that we can/have already level up to the status of stable friends under the guise of 酒肉朋友. ie, the stability and sweetness combined. Fat hope, I know. But who knows?

One extra friendship is one that I will treasure and put effort in.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have to blog about someone, but as you should understand, my words for you can't be filled in to a section of an entry alone. I promise you I will devote an entry for you; it's half-filled le. I just need time to fine tune it.

Please, don't give up. As I've said, a stable relationship depends on the combined effort we put in. If you keep saying you are giving up, I won't be able to go long also, cos I'm not strong enough to support, drive and fuel the r/s entirely on my own.

I need you.

2006-07-06T23:30:00.000+08:00

Fear

I've been ranting about something to a lot of people. James, Shuohan, zin and bryan (the old one). Wanted to tell xy too, but couldn't find the chance.

I guess it's partly due to the fear; the fear of the unknown. When you are in the light and you keep losing HPs, something is very wrong then.

But I suppose I'll stop ranting about it soon and start to solve the problem constructively.

Or perhaps destructively??

oh yar... and i SHOULD blog about some lighter stuff le. This blog has been shrouded in dark clouds for too long liaoz...

2006-07-01T22:47:00.000+08:00

Do Not Threaten Me; Do Not Corner Me

I'm upset, still upset. Perhaps there are friends/foes who are waiting to see what I have come up with to defend for myself. Will I say something to defend for myself? I dunno. I'm gonna hurl all the vulgarities if I get the chance and if I do defend myself in the midst of it, then it's unintentional.

Just a note: I will not withold any identities or naming of people. I will hurl vulgarities at whoever I deem fit. If you are targeted, too bad, cos it's MY blog. If you are gonna be offended cos the people I hurl abuse are your friends, DO NOT PROCEED.

My Side of The Story:

The day was sucky; it had been extra sunny ever since the sun was up. Work became tedious and tiresome, and people were getting irritable. I do not wish to continue to stay in PAH, cos I was sianz, cos I was tired, cos I thought there were too many people around to be productive.

I wanted to join the others who were leaving. I jio-ed people to go with me for Ice-Kacang before I left. Some of them were willing to go for Ice-Kacang AND to leave with me. So we went.

1st I bargained with Sock Khim: We will finish the 2nd coat of paint before we leave. I did not do much for the 2nd coat, but most of the people who were leaving with me accomplished their part of the deal.

We left. I told Sock Khim we were leaving and counted to her that of the Ice-Kacang Party, 7 were returning and there were guys to escort the girls. If not, I WILL escort the girls. I made my promise to ensure the safety of the people I jio-ed.

We exit through the gate and there was this guy called Chee Kin, whom I later knew as the PD, who screamed at us for leaving without permission. I reiterated we informed SK of our departure, return time and yes, we finished the yucky food they had 'prepared' for us. He couldn't accept our stand and I got irritated and REPEATED MYSELF in a 不客气 way what I just said.

With that, I led the group away.

The Drama Starts...

News reached us that KM was reprimanded for our departure. Lingfong reprimanded me for bringing the guys away without permission. She said she was pissed and ashamed of me.

I was hot and and angry at first, for the confrontation at the gate.

When I was told of that KM became the scapegoat, I was upset. Literally upset. Not even when LF told me those harsh words was I anymore angry than upset.

The reason being that someone, a friend, was being 'operated on'.

Upset cos this was the 2nd time in 3 months that somebody actually tried to force their opinions onto me, to intimidate me into doing what they think is the way I should act, by making use of their relationship with a middleman, and my relationship with the middleman.

The 1st time somebody used the tactic, I was totally upset. Somebody chose to ignore the chain of commands and complained abt my decision on stuff. It was disrespectful for the one holding the position and doing the job. Complaining behind my back is equivalent to backstabbing.

Despicable.

I decided that anybody who does that will carry the same label.

Today, the same thing happened, though in a different form.

Somebody (I really dunno who) who was opposed to my act of bringing people out operated on the friend whom we all cared for. I was threatened at gun point, a gun called the Appeal of Emotions and Fear.

He turned the tables on me to make me the Epitome of All Evil.

A casual outing became all gloomed and doomed.

I can accept apologies, but can I accept the damage done to my reputation, or more importantly my friendship with those people whom I 'dragged down' with me? What a way to mark the 1st few sessions I had with my new friends.

Anymore means of expressing apologies to me were alternate ways of protesting against me.

Now, they are the nice guys and I am the petty villain.

Fine, I had my say.

I want to put the incident behind and hope I never see Cheekin ever again in my entire life. If I survived going to clubroom for a year without meeting him, I CAN go on to clubroom for the next 2 years without seeing him.

For the friends whom I had conflicts with, sorry for putting you on the spot. I dun wanna our friendship to end, especially not this way. I will do my best to put the incident behind, but yar, I still hold my point of view.

你有你的立场要秉持，我有我的原则要守。

Bear no grudges

p/s: KM told me everything was a misunderstanding. I hope this was a misunderstanding cos I'm still skeptical. If it was a misunderstanding, why all the hush-hush tactics? What is REAL?

2006-06-29T02:49:00.000+08:00

Controversy

According to feedback, my last few posts were too controversial. Thankfully, those who read it are either not involved/targeted or they are wise and mature enough to take my comments like a pinch of salt or food for thoughts.

My dilemma is: Should I censor the entries before the narrow-minded people come along and gets offended? After all, I have tinywingz who flew all the way here to zenövia! to come visit me. Fortunately, I didn't badmouth her (she's a new friend, I have nothing to badmouth too).

Been having at least 3 chat windows opened for the past few hours. This is indeed rare, so I should blog about it (3 windows means I'm popular enough for 3 groups of people to want to include me in their chats, k?). I gossiped and bitched and ventilated for as much as I could. At the same time, I was receiving gossip like never before. gosh! I wonder if I can assimilate the news.

It seems that besides being a big 联谊 ground, E3 was also a breeding ground for scandals, gossips and politics. The latter 2 especially, not to mention about my own load of complaints and individual reviews of a selected few.

The Act Cute creature is one. I still can't stand IT (sorree fred for infringing on ur copyright, but 此 IT 非彼 IT; I dun even want to hint the gender of IT). A lot of people are falling for IT and being toyed around by IT's fingers. How can that be? Aren't uni students clever enough than to be such suckers? haiz... I dunno.

IT reminds me of another incident whereby a whole group of people were staging a drama OTOT. Here's one who's calling for willing parties to play along with his plot and there are the others who played along for their own agendas. Who is right and who is wrong? They just happened to fulfill each other's demands and thus made use of each other. Think: DD and SS theory.

Now I know why there are so many Silent Volunteers in CSL le. They just go to tutor the kids conscientiously every week, very committed, but were never involved in the central buzz of CSC, cos there are too much politics in there. And I've finally understood the roles of the Invisible Volunteers, the total opposite of SVs.

Of cos there are people who fall in between the two, like me, cos I didn't know in the past the real difference between the 2 categeories (I didn't even realize the existence of the factions until CSCDay). I just thought I wanted to volunteer and add some colour to my volunteering life by joining organizing committees.

Is it time for me to choose between the two?

After all, I was actually backstabbed and "omitted" during my days in (F)OC. I know I'm Anti-Social, but it doesn't mean that I am free for all to operate on. I was disgusted. MUST I take a stand between SV and IV? Do they mean that since I'm pro-SV, I should stay away from OCs of any sort?? I stayed aloof cos I don't know who I will "offend" and get backstabbed again.

Right now, I think I'm best at home with Ma'at. Will the freshies split into SVs and IVs? I hope we will stay this way forever, never considering our role in CSC, whether we are to join the factions of SV or IV. We enjoy crapping with each other, and crapping has got nothing to do with volunteering. Not even CSC. Of cos I hope that from crapping, a deeper, long-term r/s can develop.

To add more sauciness to this entry, allow me to sidetrack to express my shock at the revelation that Gilb is a big buaya. He created scandals with so many girls in the current batch. And according to reliable sources, the same thing happened the year before. OMG... Gilb ah Gilb, later you kena burnt then you know. Zin is very guai one, you know.

I was told (by more than a single source) that the (F)OC was split from the general council. That I didn't realize, cos for Ma'at, most of the OC members were so AS such that we prefered terrorising the freshies rather than pandering after the popular clicks in OC. hmmm... perhaps that was why we were in here? They dumped the ones who don't fit in to some other groups while the clicks collude in the same groups.

After all, I didn't do the groupings. I didn't even do anything constructive in (F)OC except to create the contact list and to collect camp fees on Day 1.

Ma'at, you should count your blessings that I was dumped into Ma'at. Some groups have councillors machiam no councillors liddat, k?

oops! Am I creating more controversy?

I think Ma'at has to thank the freshies too, cos quoting from above, some groups have freshies machiam no freshies liddat. I guess one of our strength was that our strength stayed consistently strong throughout the camp.

Ma'at ROX and E3 SUX.

ok... that's all. see, I squeezed the contents of 3 windows into an entry + my personal thoughts and bitching. For those "offended", please shoot all you like. haha... I am not a President, so you can't impeach me. Backstab/badmouth me for all you like, cos this is MY blog and I'll 唱衰 anyone I like. If I don't like what you tag, I can also remove it.

nani~nani~BOO!

2006-06-18T23:35:00.000+08:00

Leaving (Again) Tmr

It's pre-camp tmr (I always thought the word 'pre-camp' sounds so hum-sup) and I gotta reach school at 10am. Pray I can get up at 7 lor.

Frankly speaking, haven't been quite active in the prep even though I'm in OC. I've only been to 3 meetings cos the meetings were always on mon evenings where I've got my cannot-even-skip french lecture. Just when I was gaining momentum for the trials, in comes ICT and I didn't manage to get myself go for trials that were not my station after that.

But tmr, I'll get to get myself involved in a lot of ways. No excuses for not appearing le. I'm rather nervous, cos it's about meeting new people. It has been some time since I've met new people, so I hope I don't freak out, I don't fall sick, I don't get injured, I don't make people angry with my shoot-it mouth, I don't get angrified by senseless people with shoot-it mouths, etc etc.

Hope...

2006-06-17T22:58:00.000+08:00

Wit's End

I don't know what to say except perhaps that I'm broke. Spending money like water this hols. Mark you, I'm not like some whiners who over-exaggerate stuff, eg. whining they are broke when they still have $1000 in the bank account and they're whining just because it has been a year since his bank account went below the $1500 mark.

Nope, I'm talking about dirt broke. My bank account is nowhere near $100.

I can only wait until CSC camp is over befor I start looking for temps.

Yar, I'm not like others who had jobs even before the camp started and throwing stuff for people to do. My line of thinking is: Since I've pledged commitment for the camp, I should stay committed. What's the aim of joining CSC camp, join several other camps AND THEN work part time? I don't go for any of the camps' prep cos keeping a paid job is most important. What? Just make my resume look fanciful for joining tonnes of club activities that I never actively took part in? duh!

Sour grapes? Maybe, considering how broke and unemployed I am. Excuses for being a loather.

I will rather people see me as a green-eyed monster than an irresponsible jerk, yar?

Enough of ventilating.

Jobs, HERE I COME!!!!!

2006-06-12T00:25:00.000+08:00

Reversion of Bad Mood

I was about to rant about all the bad stuff that happened for the past few days (and my unexplained bout of PMS). But now, I feel rather good.

2006-06-06T21:21:00.000+08:00

My Blogging Paradox

I like to blog, to ~~show off~~ share my life with other people, people whom I never knew, friends who cannot be always by my side. Unfortunately, my life is drab, resulting in a very boring blog. At times, especially recently, I have difficulty in blogging, not when my life goes on incessantly in loops and there is a limit to the number of movies and albums I can review on.

On the other hand, I won't want a working life like sofia, who has to deal with deaths every now and then. Even as she blogged about an incident without going into much details, I felt the impact of facing death already. I'm still not ready to face another one, even unrelated ones.

Which was why I swear never to join HCA. I will be too devastated. And hopefully, my elderly dun suddenly say sayonara. AND thankfully, the chances of the kids of CSL waving goodbye to Life is ultra low.

Have you ever realized that recently I have rarely complained about certain aspects of life I used to rant a lot? Like family, friends and PRCs? I realize that after ventilating about my dissatisfaction with them, I can continue to live and work with them. Yes, there are hiccups every now and then, but I don't give much damn except to grumble and then move on.

Family, I have to live with them. Friends, I cannot do without them. PRCs, they have infiltrated Singapore like cockroaches in every nooks and niches of the earth(ok, MOST of earth).

aw...! I have nothing to celebrate in life; now I have nothing to COMPLAIN about in life.

What next?

I realize trying to live (almost) everyday doing something interesting is not working too. So what if I go Sentosa three times in a month? I grow bored about blogging about Siloso beach after more than 2 times. So what if I go learn rollerblading? I will gradually find that each session is a slow progression with nothing much different to blog about unless it's a matter of a few sessions each time I blog about it.

Perhaps, perhaps, I have grown tired of blogging itself? After all, it has been quite some time I've been doing this.

I don't know.

Should I find out or should I let it be?

pic at east coast

pic at east coast 2

2006-06-03T12:41:00.000+08:00

Return To Civilization

Punggol is bright, airy, clean and modernistic. It takes 5 days away from dear home to a highly polluted industrial town to realize it. The cab ride into Punggol was like Alice Into Wonderland.

I spent 5 days in Tuas, back in my old camp at 65 SIB, back as armskoteman when I was active. I was really all prepared for chiong sua (psychologically, though not skill-wise), and was beginning to feel the Wheel Of Bad Luck turning, especially when I started the ICT with the me as one of the few guys who were not back in their original company.

But of course, my host company didn't want an extra like me and so the transfer back home grounds was smooth, though I spent the rest of the day before the nominal roll was finalized worrying.

The '2 years block leave' left me rusty from the armskot work, though I quickly picked them up. I doubt I will keep the refreshed skills for another year.

I'm not as cooped up as when I was active, partly because I was staying in the 84mm (a type of weapon, here refering to the guys who operate it) bunk. The 1st day was rather relaxed for the whole battalion, so I spent it joining passively in small talks. Not quite 'accepted', but not excluded also.

At times during the night, I also watched the guys played cards, the way I do in the clubroom. I guess it's my way of staying relevant while not too indifferent.

The auntie at Cobra canteen remembered me, though not my name. But it was just heartwarming. I mean, when I was back in 65, it took her nearly half a year to start calling me 'Ah Ye' like my colleagues, and I felt I was too low-profile then to be noticed, much less be known by name.

I guess she knew my presence all the while, except that I didn't make my presence felt as strongly as the others and of course, announcing my name to her.

Considering that back to Tg Gul is like going back down memory lane (though the camp underwent quite a bit of change of admin systems), the fact that someone who remained unchanged there remembers me by face was really nice.

The guys went out field on the 3rd day, leaving me, Sean and the other attend Bs in camp. About 10 of us. Tg Gul was hot and boring, so boring that we spent the time sleeping in the afternoon and then Sean and I went jogging at night because we couldn't sleep.

Yup, went jogging twice in ICT, once during the IPPT (which I failed, i jog doesn't mean I jog fast...) and the other that night. It was fun, because it was actually the first time I jogged at night in Tg Gul around the camp, around remote parts of the camp that I even rarely visit in the day when I was there.

I thought the day the guys return from the camp would be busy, but I was wrong, because I was stuck in the office doing COS (Company Oppressed Slave) duty. Spent a chilly night in the air-con office, which was made worse by a sudden rain in the middle of the night.

Out-pro-day was the busiest, having to count and hand over the armskote (and for the company, every thing else that we loaned from ITI). It was so busy that I couldn't be bothered to reply sms or to have time to pack up till the very last hours. And not to mention that I was still standing in for COS because none were scheduled on the last day. So I had to skip breakfast and lunch because of COS (everyone was in out-pro mood, so no one bothered to stand in for me even for a short while) and help in the armskote inspection after lunch, when my csm finally arrowed someone to stand in for me (meaning I still hold the keys).

Do I take in gratitude that he had so much trust in me to insist I be the COS for 2 consecutive days (despite asking someone to stand in for me but NOT hold the keys) or grumble about being arrowed to do a job no one wanted to do?

I feel more of the latter. But well, it was over.

So there was a screw-up in the armskote and my cmpany was the last to out-pro. Nevermind. But it was nearing knock-off time and we couldn't get a cab even by calling. So we Punggolites shared a cab with a Yishun dweller at the last minute. If not, I doubt we'd be home before dinner.

And so here I am, after a night of blissful sleep and a morning of lazing around, blogging about my misdaventure for the week. Nothing fascinating, nothing deep. Just a simple recount. C'est tout.

2006-05-26T00:41:00.000+08:00

I Love To Be By Myself

I wanted to blog about my anxiety/depression/stress for the impending ICT to come in a few days time. I ended up tracing the sources of my anti-social traits in NUS and began to wonder if i am actually born AS. After all, the counsellor in SAF Counselling Centre assured me that no one will change their personality and that I will resume the old, happy, non-socio-phobic self.

2 yrs haf passed and I've even become more AS. In fact, I speak so less in real time (ie NOT blogging/msn/sms) that I fumble over pronunciation of words and have hard time finding appropriate words in conversations. Looks like what remained unchanged was my AS nature.

I thought I became AS when I was in 1 SIR. When I lived in a 12-men bunk all by myself because the storemen sharing it were always AWOL or in DB and my fellow armskoteman lived in another bunk.

When other people shunned me because they think I was a hypocritic chao keng guy who is only useful when they had to draw their weapons.

When I spent a whole day either in the armskote sleeping or in my bunk, eating and listening to radio with the lights off because I hated the lights. I wanted to disappear into the darkness and hope that no one will be kaypoh and pop their heads in when they saw the lights on to look at me living my solitary life as though I'm an exhibit. I wake up to wash up before everyone else did and bathed at night after everyone slept because I didn't want to meet people in the toilet and have to act polite by greeting them.

When my world was my bed where I lay stoning, listening to the churning of the ceiling fan, the shuffling of the men passing by my door or the shudder of the cupboard doors when heavy trucks rumbled by.

And then, I traced back even further to my initial days in 65 SIB.

I was new, not only to the unit, but to army life. I was the only new guy around. The seniors didn't bother to talk to me while I didn't know what to talk to them. They talk about boobs and cars while I used to talk about science and current affairs with people in my social circle.

I was recovering from a major illness that sapped me of my energy.

I spent the first few weeks of my life in the unit in the photostating room, printing tens of thousands of pages for the unit (I knew it because I was given a specific number to fulfill). I learnt how to operate/troubleshoot/repair the machine. I spent my later weeks with OTs to send kopi/tea to the reservist officers who came for briefing. I worked alone because no one wanted to do the sai kang i was arrowed to do.

Directly the day after my dad's funeral, I went for 2 weeks of storeman course where I knew no one (except for my cousin whom I barely knew/talked). Just when I needed familiar people to talk to me and accompany me, I found that I had only myself. 2 weeks of solitary life just when I needed someone.

So it just seems to me now that my training in army was the training to work/live by myself. And to tell the truth, despite the occasional frustration at my lack of accompaniment by friends, I do like the solitary life.

The empty house when my sis and mum went out to work in the afternoon or when they were all asleep in the middle of the night. The PGP room that I had all to myself, and the walks to it from CL at night.

I hated an LT full of people, a train/bus full of morning rush crowds, a library full of muggers or a planeful of passengers packed in that small, gliding tin can.

So, I believe a life in the Antarctic will be best suited for me. My career path seem to be more determined now. Yes...

Frankly speaking, I didn't know how to make an ending because the above was a result of random thoughts of a previous, unpublished entry, which makes this entry fundamentally random. Perhaps I should make a wish:

I hope my ICT will come and go quickly, like a blink of an eye. PLEASE!!! Allow me to finally to be able to enjoy at least half a year of time without the harrassment from thoughts of ICT which makes me generate random, bad thoughts about my NS.

2006-05-19T02:44:00.000+08:00

Losing Sleep Tonite Cos of Stress Over...

doing nothing and having no zeal to go do something.

going over wat to do for an impt day... there's a tonne of prep to do... a tonne in my perspective, dat is...

stupid ICT... i hope it will juz come and go so dat i will b free from one source of depression... there's so much prep to do!!

aniwaes, watched Prime in the hope dat the sleeping bug would get me in due time (which unfortunately isn't the case...). it was a nice and feel-gd show, somewhat reflecting my deepest fantasy.

i mean, the guy was 23 and the woman was 37. hello? it was a fantasy come real. but come on! when is a gd, mature woman gonna look in my way? the way of a kiddo like me? and by 37, most women in s'pore r married, if not, they're usually not interested in r/s. period.

s'pore is so sterile...

went to its official website and did a test and it said dat i'm suitable to date woman from the age of 30-39. wow! can anybody take the test too and tell me if they gif generic ans to everybody? let me noe if the test is true.

so much for the late-nite blog. au revoir!

2006-05-15T10:55:00.000+08:00

Some Miscellaneous Rantings

Last night, I was playing around with my earring. ok... I was actually attempting to take it out, something which I had been trying in vain for the past few days. Suddenly, I had the idea that if I pushed it in deeper repeatedly, which I did before easily, I might just as well loosen it.

Unfortunately, after a couple of tries, I found it was stuck and realized that I bent the earring and the stopper was stuck. ARGGGHHH!!! After seeking help from my sis and tried to take it out in vain, we both used pliers, with me holding on to one end and her to the other, and the earring just popped out easily!!

ok... The moral of the story is: I took out my 1st earring using pliers!

And then this morning, I had a very weird dream. I dreamt that it was the end of semester, but the setting was in secondary school, 'cause I was clearing out my table (you know, as we liked to treat our table as storeroom in those days).

Anyways, I was wandering about the school before that. I met some familiar people on the way, friends whom I knew from different social circles discussing projects together (and I thought it was end of sem??). I went to canteen (please! I don't know what canteen it was, because it didn't look like any one I had been to!) and the stalls were mostly closed. The only stalls that remained open were so busy that the waiting time was 1 hour.

I was so sian that I went away to look for McDonald's. On the way, I met another friend who was a Malaysian. She was about to go home after clearing the stuff (abovementioned table) and the both of us went away together on a bus.

Then on the way, I said something. Some words that had always been in my heart but were never even formed in words cos I knew it was useless to even form them.

I said: I think my mum was very selfish to think about her own happiness and to disregard mine.

My friend said 'huh?' and I repeated the words louder.

And then, I woke up.

Now that an anniversary is coming up, I suppose I might have more of such dreams.

2006-05-10T01:19:00.000+08:00

I Still Feel Rather Blue

haven't been blogging abt my life for quite some time. it isn't as if i had nothing to tell, but cos i dun feel like reciting the stuff i did post-exams. and considering i'm the grumbler type, dis actually bodes well cos it means life has been rather blissful, or generally so.

except for the darned external dvd writer dat caused me to incur an xtra $300 of expenditure (and i still feel sore from it), i haven't really met w bad stuff.

as for the nice stuff, there were too much to tok abt dat i dunno where to start. let's juz say i enjoyed my post-exam hols till now, k?

on the other, other hand, i still feel a little depressed. i tot it stemmed from the fact dat i will b going for ICT in less than 3 wks' time. serving the country (militarily) has always been against my very basic will. yes, call me callous, call me cowardly, but i feel the country did me enuf harm for 2.5 yrs and the tot of reliving it even for 5 days is too much.

been imagining the worst of things dat could happen to me during the short 5 days. for all i noe, i mite not emerge to civilized (living) world again.

yes, dat's the grief and worry dat ICT brings me. sue me, gripe me, reprimand me, look down on me, but i HATE serving the country by going for ICT. no way! i hope i kena knock down by car and get an injury to exempt myself from the call up.

the unit dun nid me aniwaes, i was neva needed. so wat if i go or dun go?? hmmmm...

i've oredi unearthed my barang barang and gonna wash them in the wks to come. gotta psyche myself into the mood if i were to NOT get knocked down by cars or sth. gotta prevent myself from getting into unnecessary troubles. i noe, i'll get into troubles of some sort no matter wat, so i hafta reduce the amt.

period.

2006-04-27T23:58:00.000+08:00

Going Down Inside

well, i'm depressed. haf been trying to avoid this confession w 'spiritizing' comments to tell myself dat 'hey! dun fall into dat AGAIN'. yup, it doesn't help dat such a period of lows coincide w the studies. ppl mite tink: u r depressed cos u tink u r gonna do badly. but u're gonna do badly cos u din put in a lot of effort, not even during the time for prep for exams. u R depressed cos u wanna find something to blame ur incompetency to.

i was afraid there was some truth to dat rhetorical statement, but being stuck in here myself, it's hard to gif myself a fair judgement. after all, depression makes ppl NOT do things. my whole sem of inactivity could well be due to depression, or laziness. either way, i can't discern the difference.

of cos, if it were to b depression, i fairly noe well where it leads back to. despite the period of self-pampering and changeover dat signifies a change in the state of mind, all dat was juz a feeble attempt to deceive myself, to mask my own disappointment. a mirage of self-confidence dat couldn't last long cos it wasn't built on REAL, SOLID confidence, esteem and happiness.

as the burden of exams wears my resistance and puts my guard down, the devil called depression begins to eat away into my consciousness. each day, i become more lethargic, less interested in doing anything constructive. argghhh...

is there something for me to forget unhappy stuff? or is there something to create false but happy memories to fuel my strive towards my utopia?

2006-03-17T23:57:00.000+08:00

Miscellaneous Today

was on the train back home today when i overheard 2 cheeky boys (who were driving their mum crazy) cracking dis joke:

Boy 1: 爸爸的兄弟是谁？
Boy 2: 姑姑

i was so amused dat i burst out laughing, and made the mum even more embarrassed. sorree, but they were plain farnie...

and den, back home, my mum tells me of a young guy she saw standing in the train sporting an erection. according to her, he was standing in front of a gal and was trying (in vain) to cover his glory w the short tail of his t-shirt.

haiz... the things we see on the train. actually, i quite pity the guy. too bad, he was attracting more attn to his 姑姑 than he tried to shun it.

well, actually, i asked someone out today, but note: in vain. yup, 1st she said she had lab, den i persisted to ask her for another date. den a series of sms when she finally became frank w me: she said she juz had a bad experience and her confidence level in herself and others haf dropped drastically. now is not the time.

ok, so she din reject me as in: i hate u, u r a sore eye. but it's still a red light to me. i din reply after dat, cos i dunno wat to say. wanted to say sth cheesy like: at least u noe i'm ard; i'm not afraid of waiting, but am afraid u dun gif me the chance to. but yar, a bit too cheesy. and i din wanna say 'yar, i understand; i heard abt it'. it wld make me seem as tho i was trying to 乘虚而入 (which was half the truth lol cos it was after everything cleared dat i haf the courage to ask her).

yet, i dunno wat to do.

and yup, finished a poem within 3 hrs after sch (actually was after i got onto NEL, heard 《人质》 and got the inspiration). still a bit raw and similar to the original lyrics, but yar, it's the stress. the last one was also finished b4 a test. haiz...

and yar, i do hope i can sing the song to someone (not dat particular someone, but maebe someone II or someone III, tho i muz say she was the reason i wrote dat) some day. tell me, is dat the feeling u get when u're in love?

2006-03-14T21:49:00.000+08:00

Should I Leave Engin?

too lazy to type out wat i wrote during a bout of frustrated on mon. so, decided to scan it and post it instead...

read it if u can... =P

2006-02-26T23:52:00.000+08:00

我要快乐?

ah mei's new song kept resonating in my head, esp the 2 lines dat i oso used as my msn nick:

我并不是天生爱寂寞却比任何人都多

u noe, been tossing abt the bed for more than an hr juz now and pondering over various stuff, and well, of cos it was cos of the line.

lonelinfinity has taken form in front of me again.

but i suppose it has got to do w a show i watched dis afternoon too: Finding Neverland. all along, i never tot much of Peter Pan's story, cos i wasn't really fascinated w it. but there was a conclusion made by an audience of James Barrie's Peter Pan:

time is always chasing us, u noe, the ticking crocodile

for the uninitiated, Peter Pan is a child who neva grows up cos he believe so. his nemesis, Captain Hook, haf always wanted to throw him off the deck of his pirate ship to feed his crocodile, who is always ticking cos it swallowed a clock. as a result, the ticking croc (which sounds like CLOCK) is always after Peter Pan, to destroy the fairy tale of a child who refuses to grow up.

and yes, time is always chasing us.

i'm turning 23 dis yr, tho i still haf more than 2 seasons to it, but i'm not getting any younger. and yet, i'm still combating lonelinfinity the way i combat it for the past 5 yrs.

i only realized how lonely i was when i got to jc cos of 2 reasons:

1) i neva tot i needed the care and concern of others b4. i believed dat i can love and fend for myself, a notion i held w pride in my sec sch yrs.

2) of cos, the chicken clan taught me otherwise. and yet, despite opening up and being shown the loveliness of the company of a 2nd, 3rd, 4th... person, i was unable to grasp the exact happiness of having a fren (gd fren, gf, 4eva fren) i could really call my own.

and i muz admit dat i haf a part to play as well.

i'm not especially an extrovert, not even a person capable of expressing my true feelings to someone i care abt. all this plays a part in others not knowing wat to do w me.

and after the talk w jan, i was faced w a paradox. she said, quiet guys r more prefered. if dat was true, dun i quite fit the bill? but well, perhaps i'm not someone who's quiet at the rite time.

but at the same time, how am i supposed to remain quiet and wait for gals to approach me? cos dis is wat the GALS are doing in wait for the guys they like, isn't it? i tot it was a norm for guys to take the axn and so, guys HAF to be doing the tokking.

which was wat i did half a yr ago when i met someone. i tried to strike conversations w her and find out abt her pref and dislikes. if i broke the taboo of tokking too much, i really dunno wat i shd do.

but of cos, according to xl, i din do much too. i din bring up the courage to ask someone out so as to find out abt her feelings for me. so... shd i tok, or shd i not?

actually, back to the original topic, i was really beginning to fear dat time is not on my side. altho i wished i could b like Peter Pan, i hafta face the reality. time is running out. i haf to break out of my hermitage and go search for my happiness, which was exactly my achilles heel.

it's inert of me to b withdrawn from other ppl; it's my nature to b cowardly in expressing tots towards the correct target audience (like telling the whole world but mt dat i dun like her way to doing stuff); and it's juz not me to b not b seen alone.

i mean, i feel like an oddball and i admit I AM. i feel so out in crowds and i haf no common topics w other ppl. i dun play sports like 'normal' guys do (so i can't join in their conversation abt epl/nba, not to say join in their phy games) and i dun really haf a way w gals.

i can safely say dat i've been to pubs and clubs, but it's not freq and i dun like doing it (i prefer the classier places i see the lawyers and docs visit in hk serials, OR the ones epl goes to lol). same to drinking and smoking. rite now, my life is clean of such ah beng practices, but somehow, i dun tink i can proudly declare dat i'm free from them.

cos i somehow feel dat others will marginalize me if i do dat. i'm oredi as freakish, geekish as it is. if they were to noe dat i dun do such stuff, wat will they tink? oh... watching discovery channel and taking walks ard my neighbourhood is so UNCOOL. but i do it aniwaes.

yep. i still behave like a teenager who believes in an unseen audience who will laugh behind me for dat pimple or giggle at my fat body. yes...

ironically, my days at 65 turns out to b one dat i was showered most w love and concern (in contrast to the 困扰 they gave me). but i can't reciprocate the love completely (except by treating and loving them like elder sis or mothers) mainly cos those who loved me r guys. yes, there were 3 who expressed openly their love for me, but there were countless other ppl who took care of me/made indecent advances to me tinking dat i was really dat 白目 to b unable to detect their fondness for me.

which was y i'm saddened as it was: i can't say i'm undesirable, juz dat i'm desirable to ppl i haf no desires over.

被我不爱的人溺爱，这是最美丽的悲哀

rite now, i'm still face to face w lonelinfinity.

i'm beginning to believe in fatalism. PLEASE God, Buddha, Fate, Forces of Nature... can u deliver me from the torment of lonelinfinity?

come to tink of it, perhaps i shd count my blessings to haf ppl like jan, xl, kf and fred who will b willing to listen to my woes. true dat i can't call them completely my own, but half and half makes one, yar?

2006-02-16T22:14:00.000+08:00

Taking A Stand

wat w the impending test, i shdn't b here. not when 1 haf 2.5 more tutorials to cover.

aniwaes, met somebody whom i haf no +ve attitude for. dunno y i keep bumping into him lately. but he became the 1st person i met in sch today, and the one to tell me he saw my letter in Today.

yes, i sent in a letter again. after 3 failed attempts, i neva expected dis one to b published, esp when i did it so half-heartedly. some more, i tot there wld b a ton of letters swarming in wrt the matter, from ppl w better arguing skills than me.

but obviously, most of them r mugging for mid-terms to care.

aniwaes, i wrote in to express my protest for the hike in sch fees. dis is the original form i sent in, unlike the edited one published.

i tot it was getting fun when i received a cc to Today, from a staff who principally wanted to rebutt my take on cutting salaries. according to him, he had a 2% pay raise only once in his 3.5 yrs in NUS. if wat he said was true, i sympathize w him. at the same time, wat he said juz adds on to the mystery of where our money goes to.

but later dis evening, the same guy sent a mail to Today (still cc to me) to ask dat his letter not to be published. cos he was afraid of offending his superiors. u noe, he has to keep his job.

aniwaes, i asked a few ppl to help me get a copy of Today so dat i can keep a copy like i did the last time. they include my sis.

and my 3rd sis came home w the remarks to my mum: u ask ur son wat he did! write in to newspaper to complain. eat oredi nothing to do.

and so my mum nagged me for half an hr: y u do dis? y u look for trouble? later the sch find trouble w u how? next time dun do such STUPID things and find trouble for urself. later u kena big trouble.

i was so irritated dat i told her straight in the face to stay out of my business, cos wat i did was not wrong (AND STUPID).

dis culture of not speaking up HAS TO STOP. and the culture of PERSUADING OTHERS OUT OF STANDING UP FOR THEMSELVES HAS TO STOP TOO.

how issit possible dat a person who get slapped in the face not retaliate? not ask y he was slapped and suffer silently the pain and the possibility of subsequent slaps?

ok, perhaps wat i said was a bit extreme. but wat my mum was suggesting was dat we juz walk away and forget the incident and HOPE DAT BY STAYING SILENT, we will not b on the losing side. cower in silence, victimize ourselves and hope GOD will punish them. unfortunately, there's no such thing as GOD and the guy, on seeing dat we r easy targets, will continue to ka jiao us.

wat i'm proposing is dat at the moment of offense, we shd take a stand to tell the offender to make up his fucking ideas and dun tink he can suka suka slap me for no reason. tell him to STOP wat he was doing and ask for a reason and retaliate when there r no valid ones.

issit really so hard to take a stand? yes, dat Admission Officer guy has a job dat he has to keep. but do employees who get abused (in some sense) haf to stay silent? where's the Union?

and speaking of unions, nussu sux big time. but well, they can't b blamed. cos like ntuc, they're juz another puppet organization by THE GOD organization to pacify the ppl by saying: look, u haf ur union, u got ur right, now get off our backs. when the union actually has no rite so to speak except to organize bazaars and festivals (nussu) and offers discounts, great deals and gif aways to members (ntuc).

and yar, actually, for the past yr, wat i learn from exposure to taiwanese culture was not juz to doll up myself. i saw another culture, a culture so diff from ours.

in s'pore, we go to sch -> take exams -> graduate -> find jobs -> find partners -> marry -> buy hdb near parents -> gif birth -> wait for ERS-> gif birth -> stay on a job for the yr-end bonus only to end up staying for one more yr for the NEXT bonus -> gif birth -> wait for baby bonus and the life continues boringly.

foreigners: they move out of their parents' hse when they turn 21. they look for rms and share the costs (b it rent or buy) w rm mates. we dun do dat, cos we stay w parents and it's a mandate to stay w parents. we haf to aniwaes, cos there r no cheap housing for unmarried ppl to buy and stay. which is y our real estate biz is so dead. there's only buying and selling; the renting biz is only hot for foreign students. in fact, couples who ROM but haven't got their hdb flats STAY w their parents. s'poreans r so sticky to parents.

in tw, ppl juz walk out of sch to pursue their dreams. work to become singers, actors, directors, emcees, entrepreneurs, sportsmen, farmers... wateva. but we study and study cos we were told dat there will b stable jobs waiting for us. stable, low income jobs. cannot study nvm. there's another sch dat makes u study, not bks, but tools and dat's called ITE. they still gif u the stable job which is juz as low-income too.

we juz can't blame the govt for being unable to inspire entrepreneurs, cos our mindset has become too conditioned and is reluctant to change. everybody is pressured by parents and frens to work towards the stable job.

and in the job, cannot complain. got job can liaoz. later kena fired, and other ppl wun hire u cos u were fired. dat was the common mindset. my 3rd sis was pressured by my mum not to change her job even tho she felt she had no future in it. wat she tot was, by leaving the job, the future will b uncertain. mite as well stay w it and wait for the occasional pay rise.

my 1st sis, on the other hand, saw thru the conservative mindset and she changed jobs freq after staying on an old job for 5 yrs. at her current job, she has risen from a clerk to a manager, got pay rise till we can't even gauge how much she's getting... all within a yr at the job.

so dear frens, pls do not fall into the cruel hands of conservativism and into the vicious cycle of conformity. yes, u will feel happy for the zero-change environment. but dude, everybody comes to the world w nothing. u gotta WORK for stuff like status, money, BIG hse. by staying in the zero-change environment, u'll end up still w NOTHING when u die...

2006-02-05T01:22:00.000+08:00

All The Gd Fortune Talk Has DISINTEGRATED

i tried to b optimistic dat the spillings of stuff on the 1st few days of CNY meant dat my fortunes muz b overwhelming, as predicted by the astrologers.

den, dis afternoon, i went to buy pants for the NOC interview next wk and it so happened dat the size and length of the pants dat i bioed was out of stock. had to buy something longer.

when i went home, i tried on my whole formal wear juz in case. and JUZ IN CASE it did, cos the leather shoes i bot 4 yrs ago for the OCBC job DISINTEGRATED rite under my feet. except for the cloth-ed part, the remaining rubber parts of the shoes disintegrated into a powdery mess. the ones dat i stepped onto stuck onto the floor like kiwi stain.

THANKFULLY, that was NOT kiwi.

and den, went out for a dinner w my grandma. juz b4 i stepped out of my rm, i hooked the wire of my zen creative's remote control onto the handle of my cupboard and literally pulled the wirings out of the remote.

$26 of precious gadget DISINTEGRATED.

the dinner was quite uneventful.

after dinner, we walked to my grandma's hse so we could watch the 9.30pm fireworks at marina bay from her corridor. but it started b4 we reached, and promptly, the last of it exploded as we rushed out of the lift.

damn! how unlucky can things b?

aniwaes, it has been a long time since i walked the route from my old hse to my grandma's hse, which was also one of the routes i took from home to my pri schs. the uneven, mouldy pavement, the roaring vehicles from beside and over, ah peks at the kopitiam dat sells rose curry and guiness stout, the chinese temple, the thai temple. wenfu's hse, the overhead bridge at (old) ZPS, the place where wf will scream "YE ZHAN!!!" while i was walking thru the void deck of BLK 140.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

while at home, watched the re-run of I Not Stupid. those pri sch settings reminded me of my pri sch days. my terrified hrs in the VP's office. the days when i was discriminated cos i was a poor kid w no background. when my parents will rather believe the VP than me. i was maligned and yet i could only cry. yes... i received no apologies, cos according to gd old fren: the real culprit was found which implies dat i WAS FALSELY ACCUSED.

was it a blessing, my break when i shot into the ranks of the 'elite'? or was it my loss dat i turned from a country bumpkin to a vengeful scorpion?

here i am, still reaching for the stars.

rite now, i'm running a fever. can't really tink straight. on wed, went to see dr ong, but i maximized the use of the MC rather than the medicine he gave me, cos by the time i went home, i was feeling alright.

now i tink my skin looks yellowish...

i haf started the anti-biotics course liaoz. and the anti-diarrhoea pills. fever within 2 wks is no joking matter. after my BMT tragedy, i'm terrified of falling seriously sick. rite now, as my joints aches w pulses of pain, i'm feeling scared again.

i feel so cold.

where r the promised gd fortunes??

2006-01-26T23:56:00.000+08:00

重游《天国的嫁衣》

依稀记得去年看过的偶像剧：

坦率、开朗的程海诺爱上单纯、白目的陶艾箐，并向后者表白心意。可是后者断然拒绝，而程海诺不懈地进行追求。当时的艾箐才刚认识陆子皓，但久而久之便与子皓爱得难分难解。

我常常幻想自己为陆子皓这一类的人物，因为他又有钱，又高大帅气，总是有一票女生为之疯狂。他不用努力寻找，爱情就会出现在面前，甚至会有很多女生主动追求。

但是事与愿违。

我是贫穷寒酸的程海诺。唯一的本钱就是讨人开心的伎俩。满街的陶艾箐都看不到我，因为我不符合她们的要求。

我不要做程海诺，因为他是一个悲剧人物。。。

但是事与愿违。

没有长相、没有高度、没有钱财。这就是我。

下午在电视上又观看了《安娜玛德莲娜》。其中的一句引述为：

每个人都拥有属于自己的莫敏儿。很多人都能找到他们的莫敏儿，有些人穷一生都找不到她。

其实矗立在人生这一阶段的当儿，我已经洞悉自己很可能就是寻不着属于自己的莫敏儿的人。也许我会和另一个她白头到老，或许我注定是个天刹孤星，终生独守一个人的双人床。

我好孤单。

若我真的无法找到真命天女，但求不会再有一些煞是她的女生从我面前经过。这种近在眼前却得不到的幸福的滋味我已受够。上帝啊！就不要再以这种手段折磨我这么一个迷途凡人了！我只但求能够得到付出的劳力所应得的回报;我已不敢怀抱那种奢求大富大贵，拥有真爱相随的念头了。

我不要幸福，只要求得到公平的对待。

天国的嫁衣，我也拥有一件，就待愿意试穿它的人。

2006-01-04T13:02:00.000+08:00

New Year Resolution

of cos, it's dat time of the yr; the time to set goals to attain for the next yr. i've neva really set new year resolutions b4, which means dis will b my 1st time. i will set them by my side bar and strike them off one by one as i achieve each goal. yay!!!

from wat i see from others, i suppose the resolutions hafta b segmented. after all, it could b a rather long list. considering those will b stuff to do for the next 365 days, it wun b too much bah.

typical for my personality, i always do elimination. ie, i state stuff i shd avoid 1st. avoidance is an easy task, cos it usually requires inaction. here's wat:

-_- Stop engaging in self pity & move on with life

-_- strive towards ZERO alcohol and nicotine

as a person w no achievement to my name, i hafta upgrade myself constantly. pick up special skills to enhance my life, keep up w others and train myself to haf a more all-rounded personality. here's the list of wat i plan to pick up in the new yr.

-_- Play the piano (electronic keyboard)

-_- Rollerblading

-_- A form of dancing (gave up last sem, haiz...)

-_- Pick up french again --> take LAF 1201, or LAF 1202 if i pass the placement test

and then, there r some stuff i haf been longing to accomplish, but always end up not doing. i hope to attain it this yr:

-_- shed 2kg by CNY

-_- shed 8kg more by mid-yr and MAINTAIN

-_- Finish my 1st novel by June and 2nd by end of the year

-_- Find a tuition job for extra bucks

-_- Read 8 english books and 2 chinese books unrelated to school work (reference: twice more english bks than i read in 2005 and infinity times w.r.t chinese bks. haha...)

gaining achievement to my name:

-_- with my 1st novel, join 新加坡大专文学奖

-_- 绝对 Superstar!!! (muz at least join and find out whether i make the cut)

-_- do a gd job in: csc bizcom, ethelonter

-_- 1st sem CAP: 3.35 (w a starting CAP same as last year, dis goal is slightly higher than what i achieved after the 1st sem of the year)

-_- 2nd sem CAP: 3.35. wahaha!!! i'd b on SEP, all S/U!!! but if i take special sem, i hope to improve to 3.5

and as usual, i'm a 败家子, finding ways to spend $$ is my forte. but these r stuff dat costs higher than usual, and i hope to obtain them w my tuition job (PLEASE!!! let me obtain substantial income from tuition!!!)

-_- creative pc-cam 950 (blue)

-_- upgrade the RAM of my lifebook to 1GB.

-_- external dvd-writer

and lastly, the most behemoth task:

-_- find a chance to say "Sorry" to yuehan

2006-01-03T00:30:00.000+08:00

Review of 2005 (edited)

it din occur to me dat i shd make a review of the past yr until i saw some of the blogs i frequent making similar entries. instead, i only drafted my resolutions, which, unfortunately, still nids fine-tuning.

while i'm always one to look forward and leave immersing myself in memories for the lonely nites, i tot i shd do sth liddat for record. yar?

aniwaes, i started the yr still as lonely as my 1st sem in nus. in fact, as the sem progresses, i drifted deeper and deeper into lonelinfinity. i was v focused on improving my CAP, cos i wanted to transfer to UB as a gd student, as a gd rep of s'pore. i gave up normal life in hope of a bigger dream out there.

of cos, nothing gd ever comes in my way. NEVA. ever since then, i haf been adopting a LIFE POLICY of: NEVA EXPECT. no expectations, and i'll definitely b better off. w an expectation of ZERO, any +ve outcome, no matter how low, is infinitely gd. any -ve outcome can b easily brushed off. examples? results. bad turn-out for outings. getting marginalized in socializing situations. no harm. i came to the world w nothing, so it doesn't matter dat i get nothing.

i had a hols rather different from others. i took special sem (same reason as above, take more modules to save costs in UB) and spent the whole of my 3 mth hols studying and mugging. studying in the hols was like studying in a pte uni, which was pte for ME. there were no rushing crowds, no muggers, no fancy-dressing ppl. onli PRCs, PRCs and ONLY PRCs. well, my aim at dat pt of time was studies, so i couldn't b bothered...

in giving up FOC, i went on a superb holiday tour to NZ South Island. dat was my 1st trip overseas by plane since my YEP to ban muangna in J2. 10 hrs of gruelling flight was worth it, for the mountains and lakes juz took my heart away. once a true-blue urbanite, my heart now longs for the GREEN JUNGLE (actually not, i hate jungles, and the colour green. GREEN JUNGLE means Mother Nature metaphorically). once i tot a laid back retirement in the little city-town of Adelaide was ideal, now i want to b coursing thru the mountain rds (no nid to b NZ, Alaska or Norway do as well) every day of my life. of cos, pragmatically, dat has to b my subst for retirement (perhaps moving to Adelaide when i'm too old to b walking ard). working life still has to b in the Big Apple, nowhere else.

the end of the 3-mth hols also mark the end of the grandest of dreams alive, as mentioned above. the dark ages of zenovia! ended, and tho Utopia did not come as promised, a new form of ruling presided the earth of zenovia!. new outlook, new life pursuits, new attitude towards life. yep. fashion, trend, accessories, glam, sleek. these r the main terms in my life. filled my teeth cavities, started to use toners and hair-dryers. look jap? ABC? juz as long as i dun look PRC, it's gd.

at the same time, i had to tackle w the mess left by the dark ages. modules out of order (i had to bid for modules in the last min and had to bid w/o much consideration), cancelling of my places in UB and its hostel. having to live w NOT living in PGP (and having to lie to ppl w.r.t WHY i no longer stay in PGP). suffering from the effects of lonelinfinity: due to the fact dat i expect to go UB, i din join CCA, so as to focus on studies and cos i tot it wldn't b practical to join one for a yr. i ended up as a lonely freak in NUS and had to live w it when i couldn't go to UB. i had to explain to the UG office. i had to suffer in ECE, cos at the pt of streaming, i believed i'd b going to UB, so it doesn't matter if i was streamed to a sucky major (& dis leads to the lying to ppl WHY i dun like ECE). well, i had to live w it now and suffer from officially flunking my 1st subject of my life.

xueli once said dat i was being childish and unreasonable to get angry for not being able to go to UB. i still disagree, considering the -ve effects of the last-minute decision still plague my life. the consequences were dire and far-reaching. and seeing a whole yr of prep and efforts vaporize in a sec was no child's play.

aniwaes, joined CSC in order to escape from the pain of the setback. had to re-orientate myself, and find a way out of lonelinfinity. joined 2 RVPs, LB and CSL, to keep myself busy. joined more OC in order to numb myself, immerse myself in the company of strangers who has the possibility to play a more major role in my life. keep myself away from home when i can't hide in PGP, cos i am angry w my family. but i'm not supposed to b angry w them, so in response, i avoid them, and hope dat as time goes by, as my wounds heal, i'll b able to face them again. i suppose dis is also sth like they've lost a family member due to a rash and selfish decision.

life w cca was not as rosy as was painted to me; i muz say csc ppl aren't as receptive to newcomers as i'd expected. in fact, they act like any other engin clsmates i haf. yup, i've met ppl who fares better in dat arena. perhaps the time is not ripe. perhaps i'm juz too afraid of interacting w ppl. after all, i was hurt so many times by a form of species known as homo sapiens. but rite now, i'm stickin to it. partly due to inertia and i was hoping dat THE TIME IS NOT RIPE.

went on my 1st leisure trip overseas w frens... to JB. shopping. dat's all. planned for better trips, but haven't fulfilled them currently. setting up 'collaborations' w another gp of frens and hoping dat we will become regular short-getaway partners.

had the most plain, yet as unique b'day. unlike prev b'days when special situations occur, like stuck in NCC camps, on YEP, on duty, in SAF ward, w special frens... i spent my b'day dis yr alone, mugging in CL. great, but at the same time lonely. yep, dis was the unique pt. it has been a long time since no one asked after me personally on my b'day. it felt familiar and odd at the same time. and noe wat, i look fwd to b'day next yr, cos it's gonna b a unique one in Finland. finally a wintry b'day i've longed for ALL MY LIFE.

and then came to terms w a lot of stuff. back in army, i din haf much time to tink of old memories. everyday of my life, i had to look out for ppl stabbing in my back. now dat i haf more time at hand other than studying, i've been looking back to the past quite often enuf. review, remorse, regrets. yup... for a most memorable fren, i juz realized dat i had been blogging abt him every once in a while. in my last meet out w 2 close frens, i finally knew abt an incident, a flow of events, dat was hidden from me (actually to a lot of other ppl) in the days dat led to our fall out.

i muz say i felt super remorseful for wat i said.

to b frank, i haf all along knew where his blog was, cos he left comments in the blog of another jc fren. but i haven't been able to bring up enuf courage to visit it. after all, he din ask me to view it, rite? but aniwaes, after dat meet-up, i went to it liaoz. actually i dunno abt the rationale behind my axn, perhaps curious, perhaps i still care. but aniwaes, he hasn't been updating. lol and stupid stuff: cos i oso left comments in dat blog of our common fren, i actually de-activated all links from my old xanga blog to dis place. ha... i oso dunno y i did dat. was afraid dat my incessant comments on him mite b seen by him. =P

busy holiday meeting the dds of csc activities, even tho i tink i din do much. wateva. it's for the experience. it's the sowing of the seeds for the time of RIPENING. yep. i'm still sinking deeper into lonelinfinity, the thirsty blackhole dat pulls me deeper in everyday. i hope for the day when i see salvation.

creatiing waves from my creative zen: Love Theme of The Piano OST by Michael Nyman --- Michael Nyman rox!!!

p/s: din realize i put in so many -ve tots in dis entry. heh... cos i wrote it at nite, a time when i'm more grumpy, and sentimental. lol

2005-12-30T02:56:00.000+08:00

《白色巨塔》 & After Effects II

ok... emotional zenov is talkative.

aniwaes, cos the show touched on the topic of dying, which has been a vital pt of mine these few yrs, i am feeling all depressed again. hmmm... reminded me of sth.

yep, i went thru a long period of therapy after my dad passed away. seeked various help, and of cos the most immediate and closest (in terms of trust) was to see dr ong.

i was v cooped up. straight after the funeral, i went on the storeman cse which lasted a wk. yep, straight after dat. one whole wk, in a totally new environment. had to keng and withstand the feeling of isolation. so, immediately after the 1st wk, i ran to dr ong and cried my hearts out.

it was the only place where i could b myself. no peer pressure. no expectations of being the only guy in the family. juz a patient seeking help.

i was sad. i was guilty. (skip the next few para if u r my close frens, cos it's a repeated story)

i had previously gone on a cold war w my dad since sec 3. i felt dat he din understand me. i felt dat he let me down by not providing me enuf to b on an equal standing w my peers. i felt dat he had forced his ideals on me, dat he expected me to live by his rules.

but i'm a free-willing individual who had a life of my own to lead. since he let me down in the past by not providing for me, y shd i let him continue to ruin my life by letting him dictate wat i shd do. down into the details of the everyday life?

we rarely tokked, cos we screamed at each other instead. there was nothing to tok abt, cos we're in diff worlds. somehow, i wanted to prove to him dat i AM rite in pursuing my way. it doesn't mean proving him wrong, but juz dat i can b rite cos i am a high-IQ person who noes wat i want in my life and wat and wat not to do. as long as i'm not involved in any vice, i'm not letting him down.

i hoped dat he wld understand one day.

den i went into bmt and fell sick. my life slowed down and i had time to smell the roses. i dunno if it was me growing out of teenage angst or wat, but somehow, the enmity between us slowly dissolved. to me, proving dat i was rite no longer mattered. cos i realized dat by going to gd schs and securing (somewhat) a general career path is somewat a results slip. it was like wanting to go to bed and sleep after a tiring voyage.

i started to tok. i buy food back home. i became more gentle in my attitude. but i din express the fact dat i am willing to resolve our differences. cos 1) it din cross my mind 2) it was still early 3) sorry was the hardest word.

and the usual stuff of not cherishing the moments came. he went away juz liddat. we din see each other for the last time for the last wk of his life. we din get to tok to each other.

i poured out the feelings of guilt to dr ong, who let me cry and spent an hr w me. his consoling words were not consoling at all, cos dis was wat he told me.

my father liked to tok abt me when he sees dr ong for his eye illness. he wld say how proud he was dat i went into a uni. how worried he was when i was sick for more than a mth. he had planned dat when we moved to punggol, he wld use the $$ from the old hse to finance my studies.

i dunno how true the testimony from dr ong was, cos after all, i was a super depressed person who could juz take my own life any time. but well, i chose to believe it.

"10 fingers, 10 toes, it was all dat used to matter" ~~~ i used to tink dat dis line was juz sth dat andrew nicoll added into Gattaca in order to produce a dramatic contrast. it was until i watched a talk show where a few mums described their 1st tots after giving birth dat made me believe the statement was v true (of cos it's still true, cos genetic engin has not developed till the stage as in the movie). the 1st things they did was really to count the number of digits their infants had, cos all parents hoped for their children was their wellbeing (which was also reflected in the last episode of the 《白色巨塔》).

perhaps it is really true dat despite all the bitterness exchanged between parents and their children, despite all the unmet expectations of both parties, despite us as children fail to act according to our parents' wishes, they r really happy dat we r doing well, going to gd sch, getting gd jobs and leading a happy life.

2005-12-30T02:32:00.000+08:00

《白色巨塔》 & The After-Effects

ok... it made me cry. which was y i'm here to blah-blah...

aniwaes, i only caught a few episodes here and there, and definitely the last 2 episodes. i tot it was a gd show rite from the start. here's wat:

dis is a show dat is definitely different from the politically correct shows produced here. all the corruption and dark side of a field dat was all along portrayed as a holy and great (ethically) since we were young. nightingale... even 《妙手仁心》 focused on the +ve side of the medical field. somehow, i wonder if the show was really true, or it exaggerated/understated reality.

secretly, i tot such stuff exists in s'pore too. cos, considering how f***ed up NUS is, well, i believe there r some dirty laundry. i mean, tink NKF, and anything is possible.

aniwaes, the last 2 episodes were more touching. it was a struggle between a doc's beliefs and the patient's. add on to the tragic fact dat the lead died in the end. haiz... i noe, i got v emotional.

1st, a dramatic effect is derived by dwelling on the contradiction above and of cos, the process of dying. i remembered my e lit teacher said dat a story will b more touching if we were to tok abt the process of dying rather than the fact of dying.

somehow, such effect has not been seen in local drams liaoz. somehow, s'poreans prefer to see the funeral wake, coffins and actors lying in them. somehow, i wonder whether it was cos the coffin/wake operators gave a large sponsorship or wat.

all in all, the intricate r/s between a dying person and his FFA and ideals r well defined in the show.

the lead was a cancer specialist, so when the hosp found dat he had stage 4 cancer (ie incurable), they 'sealed all lips' cos the news will reflect bad on the hosp and the impending opening of the cancer research centre (which the lead will take the post of the dean). even the lead himself was kept from the truth.

he was suspicous of his condition, but all his medical records were altered. he had nowhere to go but seek the help of his old, best fren whom he kicked out of the hosp due to differences, to help him confirm his own diagnosis, cos even his teacher, father-in-law (all docs) were lying to him.

the conversation between the 2 best frens was superb. despite all the spite dat went on between them b4 dat, they still hold each other w the deepest respect.

haiz... dunno how to explain. the show is HIGHLY WATCHABLE, and i believe ppl who studied lit or sth liddat shd b able to understand the meanings behind the dialogues and such even more than me. ok? juz watch.

2005-12-30T00:15:00.000+08:00

sammi, Where Art Thou?

hmmm... juz returned from csc bbq. haiz... i muz say socializing/crowded places saps me of my life force. rite now, i feel super lethargic/melancholy, even tho i din really go run abt or tok to a lot of ppl (but hey, gotta noe + familiarize w some ppl tho).

aniwaes, as usual, when i feel melancholic, i feel poetic. ha... suddenly tot of dear sammi. muz b. she accompanied me thru the most part of my life. yup... i dun listen to radio or wat, so my life had been revolving mostly abt sammi.

so... one main reason i liked her was the way her new songs always coincided w my current situations then. yup... the most impressionable was her Becoming sammi album. in it, 《回来我身边》 was the theme song for My Left Eye Sees Ghost, which was a song for the departed. and then, 《你的前半生》 was a tribute by sammi to her father, after her dad brushed w death half a yr b4. 《更加爱你》 was a song describing the guilt of not cherishing and loving a person. juz wks after her album was released, my dad passed away. and yup, i feasted on the album even more.

here's the song dat made me cry everytime.

《你的前半生》
词：林夕曲：陈辉阳

我梦见爱母亲的你
漫游在甜蜜的田地
情浓时还随着唱片起舞紧贴对方手臂
再梦见曾年轻你
突然地期望紧握着你手不必介怀尊卑
一起把臂重游旧地

但求能别害怕你
也许趁热茶冒着水蒸气
谈论幸福家庭怎么建起

陪着我说你最疼惜我
这刹那已自立的我
才明白往日你的负荷
陪着我告诉我怎么过
寂寞时候静静听你
回望上半生可不可

我像你怕说出隐秘
十年后如另辟天地你我早晚再难一起
可否跟你成为知己

2005-12-12T01:13:00.000+08:00

Interesting Day

suddenly, i haf so much to say in a blog. yup, picked up things along the way dat i wanted to post rite away. well, let's haf some 开胃菜 bah...

watched 《桃色蛋白质》 juz now, where 陈昇 & 刘若英 were interviewed. the guy (too lazy to revert to chinese IME) said dat the gal is v dependant on him, s.t even when she's working in an ulu place in china, she would juz drive 5hrs to find a phone to report abt her condition. sth like calling home to parents.

then, he said: 你就是风筝，飞得很远。当你掉下来的时候，我找不到你。。。我找不到你。。。

he meant dat even if she called to tell him dat she nid his help when she met into some troubles, he'll b too far away to help her. and the gal was like crying and crying. but aniwaes, after a while, she replied:

但是我的线还没断啊，你手中还握着线，可以沿着线慢慢地找我。。。

both r rite in their own ways, both wanted to make their pts.

aniwaes, wat impact me was the way dat they tokked. yes, it was a v 感性 episode, and it reminded me of the days when i would speak to my frens this way, in a cryptic, metaphoric way. w words dat were open to many interpretations, but since the target audience is close frens, he/she will somehow understand my pts.

侯佩岑 then quoted sth for the closing (not dat relevant to wat i wanted to say, but somewhere there):

有一些无声语，只有寻梦的人才能彼此听见。

ha... can't remember the exact words, but it's sth liddat. sidetrack abit, i find dat peicen really shine w/o taozi ard. she was more open and can actually handle situations rather well (tho, for today, chen sheng is a bit too eccentric for her to handle liaoz). i guess taozi's absence really helped pc to improve.

aniwaes, met up w jan and ziwei for dinner-talk today. actually, my intention was to get ziwei's mayday cd and to pass jan the free tix to narnia (yes! i won a pair of tix again!), but i forgot to fulfill both. i dunno y. too excited for the meeting bah.

we tokked and tokked, jan abt her work, ziwei abt her mosr horrifying moments in life, and me... hmmm... i crapped here and there, nothing impt. oh... den, discussed sth zw and i were supposed to b tok abt during our ktv meeting last wk. but somehow, it felt awkward, partly cos we were not in the rite mood and ambience bah. but it's the contents dat counted.

she told me some inside info she knew, and of cos, her conclusion to my blog entry. i dinno wat to make of the newly acquired info, and juz smiled and nodded, tying to remember the details so i can digest them later at my own leisure. yup, it was after i came home and settled down, pondered for a while, dat i realized dat it was her conclusion dat i had looked forward to, cos when she told me she wanted to tok to me, my heart was like wondering whether she has an ans to my doubts.

and well, it was a +ve ans. yes, she feels dat yh treated me as a fren; i wasn't my imaginations running wild.

hmmm... actually, as i typed, i realized sth: wat if she was wrong?

i remembered mentioning in my blog (in may bah) dat during the time we were supposed to b having cold war, zhijian made a farnie comment: i tot u two were v gd frens.

well, u see, if he din see dat we were not tokking for 3 mths oredi, can it b true dat ppl may b wrong too? but of cos, most tchs guys in our cls r rather 白目.

hmmm... well, as for MY conclusion, i really feel so guilty. it was as if i had been thrown in the face my real mistake.

all these yrs (oh well, the 1st few yrs), i was debating in myself whether i was in the wrong. cos to me, all i did was to make a casual remark, a remark which, under normal circumstances, will b forgotten. remarks dat i make to irritate ppl, but meant no hostility. remark dat i expected to b like others dat will b forgotten. i saw no reason y he shd kick up such a big fuss over dat remark.

up till today, i realize, dat the reason was staring rite into my face, telling me dat: yes, i am IN THE WRONG.

1st implication: i wasn't really concerned abt his problems, which in this case, ended up w me treading on his toes, spreading salt on his wounds. however, even his closer frens din understand his troubles at dat pt of time as well. hmmm... so, i dunno if i was totally in the wrong or not.

2nd implication: i wasn't dat serious in our frenship, to take it so lightly w such comments.

all these yrs, i was tinking: yes, perhaps i'm in the wrong. but cos i admitted my mistake half-heartedly, i neva set out to apologize to him.

now, i tink i haf a reason to.

so... b4 dat, went back to nus for the foc interview: for the councillor asst. hmmm... it felt like a v serious job, but well, i'm a serious person *wink*. den, for my alt choices, i had internal hunt and talentime (waha... simon cowell, anyone??). the reason i kept laughing to myself was dat i felt like i was SHOPPING for a post rather than them selecting an appropriate candidate. so i felt awkward when fred showed me the list of posts and asked me to take my pick.

den i lingered ard in the clubrm to wait for the time to leave for the dinner.

hmmm... is dat all? actually, i felt v sucky today. v suay. when i stepped out of my home, the wind kept blowing against my hair. and then, purposely walked to the further lrt station s.t i can enjoy a bit of the sunshine. but the sun hid behind the clouds the moment i walked into open air till i reached the stairs of the lrt station.

i was so fed up, i stood there for 15min to compensate the sunshine i missed. which explains y i was late for the interview. haha... and then, yar... i was late for the interview. wanted to take cab from chinatown pt, and there was a bloody long Q. sianz... and then, there were 2 foul-mouthed ah lians behind me...

so foul-mouthed, i wonder if it was CB dat was on their faces, cos, well, CB was all dat came from their mouths. actually, at times, i really suspect if they shd b admitted to homes for ID, cos well, at their age, if all the vocab they knew was CB, F***, LJ... there muz b SOMETHING wrong w the devpt of their minds.

yar... and then, went to zap stuff in CL... the stupid machine jammed twice. so fed up, i juz left the machine jammed w/o asking the lady to solve the prob.

waha... so much for the yakking. tmr going colmar tropicale at bkt tinggi. hope i haf a safe and happy trip. =)

2005-12-03T23:28:00.000+08:00

Great Expectations

juz now, my sis commented dat i am acting more and more like a gay (in interpretation, she meant i am acting like a sissy).

to say dat i do not mind he remark was a lie. under all the pretense of nonchalence, i mind every bit of comment made to me, by frenz, by teacher, by the stranger on the bus.

i retorted dat how i behave was none of her business.

and she retorted (as usual, gals muz haf the last word) dat i'm bringing disgrace to the family.

well, such a sentence dat comes out of the mouth unprocessed by the brain has its consequences. it has implications of discrimination to gays, implications of insult to me and implications of the real definition of bringing glory and disgrace to a family.

i haf lots of ideas w.r.t those implications, but wat really broke my heart was the age-old topic.

ever since young, they liked to compare me w my same-aged cousin. how much more handsome he was. how clever he was. how polite he was. how cultured he was. how tall he was. how considerate he was. how gentleman he was. how thrifty he was. how much less of a 败家子 he was and so on.

i am always the dumb, dim, slow, ugly, fat, short, wateva nots.

i grew up in an environment where i'm the filthiest of the world, unworthy of the family.

i told myself dat one day, i'd b successful. i'd b bringing in tonnes of $$$ and prove them wrong.

yes, comments matter a lot to me.

and amidst all these comments, i remembered the very 1st thing my mum told me on my way to sch, on my 1st day of sch. we were walking behind BLK133, across the carpark, behind the PSC shop, and she was telling me: u r going to sch. u muz study hard. dun become a roadsweeper. dun let others look down on u because u haf uneducated parents.

u noe, dat was the only words of encouragement i got from my family in all of my life.

i call it an irony.

PSLE came and i got better marks than my cousin (who scored way below wat i got). i got into a better sch than him.

here's a side-track. the reason y i always insisted on getting in RI was cos it was the 'best sch'. to prove the others wrong, i hafta get into the best sch. when the streaming results came and i realized dat i wasn't selected to go RI, i was devastated. the fact dat someone else who got lower marks actually got into the sch made matters even worse.

and the fact dat i couldn't prove others wrong was as devastating.

i cried my way to my grandma's hse. i remember baoyi calling to me at the bridge to ask me which sch i got into. i din reply; i juz ran away. i knew tears were falling and i dun wan anybody to see me cry. my elder cousin actually accompanied me back to sch to ask miss pang wat happened. she said something, but of cos, it wasn't satisfiable.

i resigned to my fate, cleared my tears and went home. i doubt no one at home knew how sad i was, cos my cousin wasn't the one to gossip abt other ppl.

unfortunately, wat i got in PSLE wasn't enuf to turn the tables. everybody believed dat it muz haf been an accident dat my cousin scored lower than me. no words of congrats for me. only doubt and disbelief dat such an uncultured boy like me tasted success.

and u noe, there's always a view dat there r ppl who tasted success and got big-headed. they become proud, condescending, and downfall is inevitable.

my family, yes, close family members, conveniently took dat pt of view and began another form of torture on me. wateva i do, it was cos i'm proud. wateva i say, it was cos i tink i'm clever. even if i had the world of facts backing my reasons, i'd still b doubted and wronged. i was judged by virtue of my very own filthy existence, not by my efforts.

'O' levels came and went. i din get stellar results, and neither did my cousin. but i got into the top sch in s'pore, while he got into a newly est sch. ppl said he was being realistic, to choose a jc near his home. ppl said dat he had finally proven his worth. ppl said he grew very much taller and very much gd-looking. ppl said, wateva they said abt him, i'm definitely nowhere better.

but of cos, life took another turn in jc. i began to look lightly on these comparisons. they still compare me w him every now and then, but to me, we're already competing on different grounds. at least dat was wat i tink. but i tell myself it was useless to take such comments seriously. i haf grown out of it.

i still face a different kind of pressure. i'm not a man, cos i failed bmt. i'm not a man, cos i was a storeman, rifleman, armskoteman, but i'm still not a man.

i'm not a man, cos i'm not earning any teeny-weeny bit of money to fill in the family coffers. i'm not a man, cos i'm still dependant on my mum for money, w/o working any bit for it. i'm not a man, cos i wanted to study overseas, using my mum's money, when i haven't contributed to the family. i'm not a man, cos i act like a woman.

i'm not a man, because they say so.

i dunno wat i've done to make ppl who r supposed to b my closest, to b my dependable support to hate me so much to the core, to despise me even worse than they would a beggar.

where were they when i lost my directions in J1? where were they when i faced a new environment, fresh from a major illness, fresh from the failure of bmt? where were they when i faced the pressure of a whole company of man who believed i was a big fat liar? where were they, when i wanted to take off for flight?

i dun nid all the support in the world. i dun nid all the money in the world. all i wanted was a word of encouragement.

but no, i'm wrong. i'm wrong to study in a better sch. i'm wrong to want to look gd. i'm wrong to want to eat better food. i'm wrong w my sissy behaviour, i'm wrong w the new bag i bought. i'm wrong when i wash my hands, i'm wrong when i close the door. i'm wrong when i sleep, i'm wrong when i take a breath.

i'm wrong, because i'm living rite here, rite now; because of my existence.

i'm weary. really weary. if by studying for gd grades doesn't mean anything, wat haf i really achieved all these yrs? nobody appreciates my efforts. nobody who shd care appreciates everything dat i did.

all alone.

alone.

by myself.

crying.

yet again.

2005-12-01T23:48:00.000+08:00

Memories Abound I

*disclaimer: some ppl may be strongly objective abt the use of their images in dis blog. in consideration of how much individuals haf changed over the yrs, i assume dat the change is a gd enuf mosaic for the pix. readers r welcome to guess the id of the child-equiv of frens. no guess will b confirmed. =P

blogging abt my days w gerald brot back a swarm of memories. gd memories, bad memories, memories of a place i no longer belong, and memories of a place dat is no longer pt of my life.

b4 k1 performance... i HATE wearing lipstick... like lip gloss they make me unable to close my mouth...

1st, some background. i went to kindergarten in the now defunct Silat Community Centre. yup, not the PAP kindergarten, cos my parents were rather anti-govt (== more ex, got conspiracy, got propaganda... tho i wonder how independent dat kindergarten was from PAP lol), considering my precinct was in the opp party for quite some time. went to now defunct Silat Primary School and on to Zhangde Pri Sch when SPS closed down. the rest was history...

gp photo of the beach dance ppl. see familiar faces? all the mini-mes...

come to tink of it, i like performing. rem dat in kindergarten, we'd perform a major show at yr end, and i loved the stuff i did, and tried to shove my way to the front during the last pt when everybody goes on stage to say gdbye.

did a beach ball dance in the 1st yr (got a beach ball FREE, yay!!!) but the ball was too big for me. 4got wat i performed in the 2nd yr, juz dat i got to wear a smart shirt w shorts and wear a pair of white gloves and a white cap. was v happy and tot i looked v smart in dat.

k1 performance

dun really rem much abt kindergarten life, except dat we basically juz play and draw every other day. yes, drawing. i'd draw the same stuff (tho the details will b diff -- i'm not a xerox), of a cottage hse w a winding path leading to it. it has a chimney billowing w smoke into the cloudy sky. there'd b some birds, and 1 or 2 tress will don the sides of the cottage.

ok... i was short... i am short.

it's weird, cos considering how sua gu i was back in those days. i haf no story bks to read, nor was i allowed to watch tv. we dun buy mags back in those days. i dunno how i ended up drawing a cottage, those w trapezium roof and 田 windows, winding path and so on. so farnie.

so camera-sensitive...

then we'd play w dis big lego thingy. it was actually red sticks (abt 1 ft long, i tink) w black connectors for us to build life-size objects, sth like the army tent poles, but ma sah version. my fav, was of cos, building a hse. on gd days when my clsmates r clever and able (sad to say, but true to speak), i'd b able to complete the frame of the hse and we'd juz hide in it, even tho there was no walls so to speak of.

beaming... cos i knew someone was taking pic of me. leaving scc. there's my mum and 2 cousins.

yup, come to tink of it, y din i stick to my initial plan to study architecture?? hmmm... perhaps it was cos i realized dat building hses r not as ez as it was back den; joining a few sticks together...

gp photo. dat was when my gramma could still walk. heh...

and we'd do colouring. i rem one incident VERY vividly. one teacher asked us the colour of the crayon she was holding, and i said 'chocolate'. another kid laughed and said 'no lah, it's BROWN!!!'. the teacher then told me 'yes, it's brown. if chocolate, u eat lor. nah... eat lah' and she put the crayon to my mouth.

felt v sad at dat time. ego bruised. dat was when i decided dat i WILL NOT MAKE A COMMENT on anything unless i'm BLOODY SURE i'm rite abt it.

me and my gramma. note my foot, it was a 'bad habit' i had back then...

farnie rite, sth so insig, but like got big impact liddat. i guess so too. i guess it was the incident dat brot me to where i am today. i began to make sure everything i said was backed up by some god-damn facts. i learned to stay quiet while other ppl r tokking and decide whether they r tokking cock or r really clever. cos i was sure i neva wanted to malu myself in the future.

me and my 3rd aunt. now i look like her...

dat was gd, really. there were times in my life when some smart ass wld refute me and insist he was correct (like: australia is in europe, cos there got more ang mohs). it was a bad feeling to b questioned, esp if the guy was really juz a smart aleck. deep down inside, i dun wanna lose. thankfully, i was proven rite during those confrontations.

aniwaes, there was also the milo session on the 2nd floor, some place i haf neva stepped foot on except in those sessions. i guess the teachers were afraid the kids will jump off the building bah...

solo pic of ME!!! see, the ball so BIG.

the milo rm was humongous, wall-less. we'd sit at one end of the rm and wait for the milo to b ready. we'd line up and get our cup of milo, which din taste gd aniwaes.

oh... and i remember my 1st day in kindergarten. i dunno anything, juz dat my mum dressed me up in some smart clothes other than my pathetic home clothes. made me wear canvas shoes and took me out. now, an outing in the past was A BIG THING. since we went along the route to my grandma's hse, i tot we were going to her place.

candid shot. so candid, everyone had farnie faces...

but when we went past w/o stopping, i asked my mum where we were going, but she juz told me to shut up. den i was put in a rm w a lot of cry babies (rem 1cry baby v clearly, went on to b his clsmate in P3 & P4. he called sth-yao). omg... they were so noisy. din understand y they were crying.

k2 gp photo of ppl from my sequence. those were the days guys only noe how to sedi-a...

aniwaes, some woman came in and said sth and made us do sth (singing, i tink. i neva rem those stuff, tho i seemed to enjoy them a lot. i always sit at the front...). could see my mum at the window at 1st, then she disappeared. we went to the the above mentioned milo-rm, and saw my mum on the way, outside the hall (dinno it was called Hall then, but it was the place w farnie louvred doors) chatting away w other mums. b4 i knew it, sch was over and my mum brot me home.

ah... memories...

k2 performance ending... saw me??? and there's SOMEONE ELSE... actually, i wasn't supposed to sit in front, but last min some teacher pulled me and power ranger (the guy beside me! the one who was mad abt PR in ZPS) to the front. guess they realized i was too short to b seen from behind...

those were the days i could walk w my hands. now, i'm too old, fat and inflexible. dunno y my mum din stop me when she saw me doing those kind of acrobatic stunts. i like jumping, and as i grew, the ht of my jump board increased. climbing to the top of a cupboard from mt bunk bed. and jumped. now call me to jump from chair i oso scared.

big gp photo of k2 performance. saw me??? saw dat person i mentioned juz now? the ONE IN RED... gd ol' fren...

hmmm... i muz haf suffered some kind of injury back den while jumping. muz b a traumatic incident dat i 4got all abt it, but developed the phobia of hts. hmmm...

farnie pic... still sedi-a position. the gal is unknown... din even noe who she was and y i took a pic w her... stupid damn dao gal...

shall cont to blog another tine... wrt my non-sch life in the kindergarten yrs. tho i mite not haf led colourful life, but would like to keep them in words. u noe, in case i 4get. haiz... getting older, beginning to 4get things, and wldn't want to 4get these stuff 4eva... get the idea?? cos childhood yrs r so innocent, as one grows old, he gets more fond of these memories...

2005-11-24T20:44:00.000+08:00

Exam Blues

ok... despite the display of anger juz now, i'm actually more bLuE and disillusioned. wat w the regret of not preparing well enuf for the paper, i cried for the 1st time in an exam hall.

not bawling, but weeping silently. tears did fall off, but thankfully, everyone else were too absorbed in their own world than notice someone tearing away.

really, i tink the lecturers from SoC r bloody lazy, irresponsible bastards. it happened during mid-term too, when they only announced the date of the test few days prior, w/o detailing the topics to b covered.

who in the world gets marginalized when they dun use the service they paid?

bastards they r. bastards BASTARDS BASTARDS!!!

things din go quite well yesterday too. in elect, i actually did a careless mistake. spent an xtra 20min to re-do the part. i end up so flustered dat my mind went blank and i forgo one whole qn. and mkting too. the qns were quite tough. i had no idea wat to gif, cos on one hand, i couldn't recall very well the pts to b used, and i couldn't come up w something gd for the analysis too.

i dunno if it has got to do w my memory, but i wasted a lot of time recalling stuff. dis sec i'll come up w a pt, but it juz slips away when my pencil touches the paper to jot down the pt. i really believe ns plays a big pt in my deteriorating memory.

aniwaes, came up w an idea dis morning. all along, i'd wanted to maintain a chinese online mag thingy. it hadn't occured to me dat i can use the blog format as a way to do it. yup, juz doing stuff not for profit. for the sake of it. for the thrill of it. ppl, if u r interested, can tell me. i nid talents, regular contributors, cos my chinese skill isn't dat powerful to keep a mag-blog alive.

it wun b too tough, i suppose. cos i've been seeing blogs dat r maintained by a gp of ppl, be it foreign students society, or colleagues of a company. they basically come round and say sth once in a while. juz dat the blog i'm suggesting will b in chinese. mainly. can b chim and serious, reflections of chi lit, or juz typing out the lyrics of songs dat r nice, links to movies, or ramblings etc. how? how?

shall come to the end. ain't in a v ON mood to ramble. bleah.

2005-11-23T07:18:00.000+08:00

Gerald

had a dream last nite which was in sync w the storm dat signalled the start of the rainy season.

started out w 2 guys infiltrating the depths of a warehse to steal some stuff; some stealing of stuff in order to sell them at no costs. some admin guy received a phone threat and the firm went into hysteria, which was when i turned into a 1st person, being the accomplice in the theft, totally unrelated to the bomb threat.

ended up dat in the midst of chaos, we could transport stacks of eqpt w a trolley to the unloading bay. all was fine when Morpheus from The Matrix appeared w his samurai sword. he was confronting his staff (obviously he was the boss of the firm) and everybody was afraid.

so were we. so, someone (yes, some staff, in fact) suggested we juz make our escape w a few items and dat's all. so, we each fished a set of gameboy (yes, and it was round like a discman, tho my mind said: gameboy) from the loot we collected and ran off to a rd nearby.

dat was when i realized the person next to me, my accomplice, was Gerald, whom i called Wenfu, whom others called Boon Hock. we made our way down the rd, where he met a lady who was in his church. we caught a bus deciding whether to catch a flight home or stay over.

catch a flight?? yes, we were in NZ and we juz ended a day of 'tour'. aniwaes, we caught a bus to nowhere. someone sat beside me and my head was sandwiched between his shoulder and the window. wanted to scold dat person, but tinking dat we juz commited theft, i suffered the rest of the ride. we concluded dat it was too late to go home (nearing 12am) and checked into a YMCA hotel, b4 which, we bked a day tour for the next day to Milford Sound (we're in NZ, hello).

YMCA hotel was v rundown and disorganized. someone took my bed and i had to take another. went to bathe, but the shower was spraying w/o a definite direction and i wet my towel. hmmm...

aniwaes, went out the next day, which was cool but cozy. went to 'Milford Sound' (which obviously dun look like it) and i was awaken by my alarm clock.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

spent my breakfast time tinking abt the dream, in particular, tinking abt my poor, best fren, who is as much as a stranger on the NEL. he was my best fren for some yrs, and as usual, some fren i dun treasure much.

we met in the triple-one mkt at my old home. my mum was working in the veg bee hoon stall and i was there for my morning soyabean. it was the dec hols and i was to start my 1st sem in ZPS. in all her eagerness to help me ease into my new environment, my mum and gerald's nanny intro-ed the both of us to each other.

frankly speaking, i din really remember his face, evident when the sch reopened, and i was wandering aimlessly thru the crowd in the canteen and w/o seeing him approaching me. but since he was the only one i knew in ZPS (other than kf, who was as much a stranger in zps as i was), i concluded dat guy WAS gerald. so he helped me settle into my new cls. could remember the words we said.

gerald: (tap on my shoulder) ye-zhan

me: (turned ard, stoned, when i realized who he was, acted animatedly) wen-fu!!!

i guess ppl who noe me can imagine my way of acting amazed.

yup, he called me 'ye zhan' for the period dat we spent in the same cls. he'd always call from the bridge to me at blk 140 after sch 'YE ZHAN!!!', and we wld wave to each other (cos my father fetched me home while i was in P3, so as a 'guai guai' kid, i stuck to my father's side and din run abt)

pic of young... gerald is 3rd guy from the front, while i'm...

we were a pair of 'gd frens' who spent only 2 yrs in the same cls. he went to 5B, after which, to VS. we were still close and often visited each other's home (more of his than mine). being the only son, he was lonely and always insisted the full attn of the ones in his immediate surroundings. i became tired of contributing (not dat i dun like to gif, sometimes, i juz hafta rest...). i tot i was obvious in showing dat, which was quite rude, i tink.

aniwaes, he also shared a lot of things w me. he had a PC in sec sch, and shared w me and tot me how to use it, showed me how to play games w it. he tot me how to ride a bike, his little bike which looked awkward w me riding it (was ridiculed by some ah beng while learning it). yes, dat was when he was still living in blk 143, 3rd floor. we were in p6, the free period after PSLE. we cycled round the playground beside his void deck.

he tot me how to swim breast stroke (which is the only stroke i can master). yup, our fav past time was swimming, where we would spend a whole afternoon playing in the pool, playing catching, fetch and competing. i always win the 1st 2 cos of my ht, but competing against each other in swimming, his forte, was suicide. i'd always cheat by walking (we play in the training pool, left the adult pool for serious swims). yup, we swim in delta pool, which was y i still swim there even tho it was rumoured to b swarming w gays. (not dat i'm much of an eye-candy to b pestered by them aniwaes)

when he found a new gd fren in VS, i was jealous, even tho i hadn't really treated him as a gd fren wld. his new fren was called jackson and he (jackson) brought him in to christianity. dat was in sec 2, and was when our lives began to diverge.

he went out of my life totally while i was in JC, the way most of my old life was back then. found new frens, new lives, and of cos, new troubles. aniwaes, the both of us never met up again, until after JC--b4 bmt, when the both of us prepared for ns together, shopping in the army mkt. but dat was it. life took another turn and the only time we met was when my father passed away. he came w his mother, who knew my father well, cos they always mit in the mkt.

we exchanged some smses in the coming yrs, and the last i knew of him was dat he was in poly studying computer animation (i even 4got the name of the poly, shit me. dun dare to ask him again...), something he was always so interested and gd in. gd for him, i wish him luck.

4 Nov 2005

2005-11-21T20:56:00.000+08:00

Reflections

was drafting on some ancient stuff and dug out some old photos. and then began to see my evolution. how i grew fatter by the yr, how i got from looking dao to looking pathetic.

saw some memories dat din get lodged into my brain, and felt the wave of emotions hitting me.

did some reflections on some stuff too.

rv memories ended up to b my happiest days, tho those were the days when class politics made me make frens w only a few ppl. tho those were the days when i faced pressure from ppl who tot i dun deserve to b pt of an elite sch. those were the days when we would do everything to laugh our worries away, when being w frens means being happy together. no tok abt worries, no tok abt problems.

conversely, my saddest days, the days in hc, was also when i opened up my life to various ppl. i put feelings into serious frenships (not dat i took frenships lightly in the past, but frenships in jc had more elements and depth) and i put in work for academic. muangna pix brot a lot of memories, from its uniqueness of being an expedition overseas, to how problems from s60 were brot to and back from it.

those days, i was having some prob w a v gd fren. tot dat going on the trip mite help, cos we'd get to haf some time to b together and trash things out.

trash things out we did, and our r/s got worse by the time we got home. in those pix, either one of us was missing, or we were standing on opp ends of the gp.

ffwd to today, i start to wonder whether stuff were wat i tot they were. i tot we were v gd frens. now dat 5 yrs haf elapsed, i've lost the feelings i felt during dat time. but one thing i am v sure of: those were deep emotions i felt for a fren. so deep, dat life was missing a pc after The Incident.

like, when i come across sth i wanna share, i'd pick up my hp and compose an sms, only to realize dat we were no longer on gd terms.

yup, so i felt deeply dat it was a positive feeling. i suppose coining the term 'deep in love' isn't too much. i loved him more than i loved any other frens in the click then, cos dat was the ONLY person i felt who could read me like an open bk. someone whom, when i twitch my nose, will noe y i did dat. i tot i reciprocated the intentions too.

or so i tot. recently, i feel like i mite haf been wrong abt some stuff, abt our feelings for each other (actually, had been doubting it all these time, but the doubt has grown to bigger proportions over time, thru the loss of the initial emotions).

i hadn't known him as much as i tot i knew. the amazing thing was abt our policy: we neva asked each other WAT our probs were; i see him acting like he was sad, asked him if he was sad, and when he replied yes, i'd console him. cheering him up, but neva solving his prob, cos i knew i couldn't. the most i could do was juz to alleviate his pain.

he did the same to me. yup, i neva told him wat was bothering me (sch work). but he would come console me and tell me encouraging stuff, to lift my spirits.

so... perhaps he saw me as someone who'd come round, ask superficial qns and cheer him up as tho i knew him v well. after all, i not confident of wat he's really tinking back then.

perhaps he saw me as a really gd fren who could really see thru the mask he used to hide his sadness, and cheer him up to alleviate his pain.

wat issit really?

haf i been really feeling apologetic over a frenship which existed only in my imaginations?

i dun wanna noe the ans, cos i'm really afraid it will b hurting.

actually, the more deeply i feel for a person, the more probable we'll end up going on separate ways. i say dis, cos he was not the 1st case. i had an rv buddy whom ppl call us bros too. v soon, we quarrelled and neva spoke to ea other again.

turned out dat the frens who lasted the longest were the ones i kept a min dist. kf and i r very gd frens, but coincidentally, there's a de-militarized zone which we haf neva stepped on. and like the s60 gals. i wld not haf grown attached to them had THE INCIDENT not happened. and cos of dat, even tho i blended into their click, i kept my distance cos i was still trying to overcome my loss. end up we still mit up these days to do stuff, to haf fun, to alleviate ea other's stress.

距离也是一种美

okok... back to the topic. actually, i was hoping inside me to reverse everything. to slim down and wear my old pants again. dun mind if they were out of fashion, but i wanna fit into them again. slim down s.t i can c my collar bones again.

b clever again. b the quick-witted, hypocritic and sly guy who could see thru ppl's minds and act ahead of other ppl.

b the guy who could mix w ppl v well and b frens w anybody i mit. so dat i can start a frenship from one of them again and lead a life of hope.

if only.

time has taken its toll on me... OLD is the word.

2005-11-18T21:57:00.000+08:00

My Heart Cringed

some ppl (gosh i'm running out of 'some---' nicks) wrote on the day of my 22nd b'day sth dat made my heart cringe. sth dat made me feel like crying. sth dat made me want to go on my knees rite in front of him/her and plead for forgiveness a thousand times over.

some ppl, who will never hear my pleas now, and maebe neva.

aniwaes, the B day came and went rather boringly. stayed at home to take a break from mugging. wanted to watch harry potter, but the gd seats were oredi taken up. so i juz went to nlb to return my overdue bks, bot a new mouse (shall post the entry later next wk) and bot a bottle of supplements. yes, slimming regime is back AGAIN.

den spent the day at home surfing i net and watching cable. nothing gd on the net, nothing gd on cable.

aniwaes, received a VERY gd news on the 16th. shall keep it a secret for now. stay tuned for my breaking news. lalala...

2005-11-17T00:01:00.000+08:00

Another Year Gone

Happy Birthday to zenöv of zenövia!.

Happy Birthday to momo.

Happy Birthday to handorin.

Happy Birthday To 冷叶.

Happy Birthday to 志mo (couldn't find the word in IME).

another yr has passed. went thru a whole sem of celibacy (juz read from a bk dat celibacy also refers to the abstinence from many other stuff other than sex), and went thru a sem of fashion spotting.

went thru a period of uncertainty, and yet w hopes for the future, went thru a period of utter dissapointment, and a period of self-deception.

went thru a period of striving, and went thru a period of self-degrading.

eventful yr?

but nothing has changed.

zenöv is still zenöv. i'm still in singapore, still in a place where i so much want (note the tense) to leave.

still leading a lifestyle i so much want to change, living in an environment i so much loathe.

seeing the same disgusting faces of PRCs i so much destest, feeling the same kind of coldness around me.

hope has left me. dreams haf forsaken me. soul had departed and will has dissolved. lonelinfinity has set itself upon me, again.

perhaps life has indeed changed.

November is my time, the season of the scorpios... the Cold November. in fact, it rained at the start of the Big Day. the time where the grey and rainy weather becomes the backdrop for my life's MV called melancholy.

i dunno y, after a sem of leading a life of solitude w/o much gripe, i'm feeling the presence of lonelinfinity again. reading the blogs of students living their lives overseas, leading lives i so much desired. seeing couples everywhere in the central library. watching frens pass by in gps enjoying the bliss of company.

all of a sudden, i feel so isolated.

tears found their way to the brim of my eyes again, from half a yr of self-denial.

did an unofficial IQ test last wk and found out later that 83 is a prime.

17 11 1983

19 and 83 r primes juz like 17 and 11 r.

i'm made up of primes, whose world is only One and Myself.

and on the same day of discovery, i came up w a new slogo for myself (see below). how fitting.

in a world of one and myself, the unparallelled.

some more trivia. i buy toto w my birthdates and tao's birthdates, who also happen to b a prime person like me. of cos, i bot his number juz cos of his status as a special fren, not cos of his prime status. but aniwaes, come to tink of it, there seem to b a sort of coincidence, yar?

but other than my fate w primes, i guess my prime is over, for ahead of me, i can see no clear path.

no options open for me, no road leading to damascus.

each yr, this day... it seemed to b getting more and more depressing.

when will i see bottom (and thus rise from it, according to the Kinetic Theory)? or will i not live to c it?

fate has left me w no choice. life has left me w no choice. my family has left me w no choice.

Happy Birthday to ME.

written by zenöv on 11 Nov 2005 to zenöv at 17 Nov 2005

2005-11-04T07:05:00.000+08:00

A Rainy Morning

... which started w a sleep-awakening thunder followed by a torrential downpour; prompted sequences of ppl opening and closing my door (which goes 'whoosh!' due to the sucking sound caused by the difference in pressure) to check if i had closed my windows; prompted the start of a nice, cool morning.

i like mornings, dark mornings where i eat breakfast by myself, mornings where i can get peace, tho it's rarer dis sem w ppl like my mum chanting, "how can u eat in the dark? y dun u switch on the lights?"

yes, i like my mornings cool and dark, even in the days of PGP, if i wake up b4 dawn breaks, i'd do my morning rituals in the dark.

i'm infamous for my morning sickness too, tho my family members dun noe/tink much of it, cos they continue to create noise and talk senselessly in front of me. unbearable, but inevitable. i suppose my morning sickness started out in my teens, when i would wake up to the idea of killing my parents for bringing such misery to my life. i'd groan in silent and pull at my hair in my mind. end up feeling all grouchy and spoiling the rest of the day (which wasn't gd in the 1st place).

aniwaes, such mornings r my refuge to a day of dismay ahead. juz spending a short half an hr statying silent, keeping to myself, stoning, tinking abt stuff, drowning self-pity and stuff liddat. yes, the real sickness usually lasts for half an hr, but since i only get to see someone i really feel like tokking to hrs later, i usually stay in a state of after-glow for quite some time.

dis is my ideal morning. someday, when i'm all grown up and independent, living all by myself in a foreign country w 4 seasons, it will b my ideal mornings everyday (except maebe for summertime).

4 Nov 2005

p/s: such a storm signalled the start of the cold and rainy season, the Cold November. remember hearing such a loud thunder some one yr ago, while i was in PGP. cold november, the season of the scorpios.

2005-10-17T21:41:00.000+08:00

Day Of Clashing Moods Again

juz received the results for my midterm for prog. i got 4/100. 10th from the bottom. Congratulations! another step towards failing the freaking module.

ok, frankly speaking, i am sad. b4 i viewed the results, i told myself to expect sth low, like 10/100. and then i stopped myself and said, 'no... expect 0/100'.

true enuf, within my expectation. still, i couldn't suppress the sadness dat welled from within.

aniwaes, juz been selected to b the log head for csc day. amazing, cos i can't even drive. ha... guess my days of having a chaeuffeur r coming prematurely. lol hmmm... i wonder who will haf the honour.

well, actually, i muz say i din volunteer for the post. but at the same time, i muz not sound as if i took up the post unwillingly.

actually, the OC on my list of joining is (yes, and will still b) FOC, cos, well, i missed the last one. i wanted to fill the disappointment left from the last june. and after joining the biz com, i din expect to join another comm until yr's end.

den some ppl volunteered me for csc day. according to mighty fred, there were 2 culprits, both of whom he wouldn't disclose. for the skinny bean, i can guess who she is (i tot she was intimidated my my over-zealous attitude, haha...), but the non-skinny bean, well, i'm still guessing. i dunno enuf ppl in lb for them to offer my name w/o 2nd tots... lol

aniwaes, my policy has always been to avoid 'inviting things to do' unless planned b4hand. cos, well, there is a certain degree of responsibility to bear if the work din turn out well (for the general public and myself). but if trouble comes along my way, i dun c the nid to shun it, unless it's too big for me to handle.

which was y i din really object violently when i was approached (sound so nice rite? approached...). my prob was getting over the inertia to do sth. let's hope my laziness wun get the better of me.

haiz... and now's the bizcom. i really hope i haven't dragged the team down.

wahaha... which was y i objected violently when they wanted me to b in the mkting team for csc day. cos, well, if i can't get a sponsor now, wat makes me tink i am capable to get a sponsor for csc day? not now, really. perhaps if i level up in mkting skills, i'll take on the task for foc.

2005-10-17T21:28:00.000+08:00

An Amazing Coincidence

was blog-surfing w my laptop juz now, w my musicmatch jukebox on in my desktop... listening to westlife. and the amazing thing happened.

i came to dis special page and out came 'My Love' from the player. the 1st line goes:

an empty st, an empty hse, a hole inside my heart...

i happened to read a blog entry w a line dat reads

a hole inside my heart.

rite at dat moment, so instantaneous, dat the song went on for a few more lines b4 i realized the most amazing coincidence, the lyrics reached my ears juz as my eyes glanced over the same 4 words.

and ironically, the lyrics contained the following:

reaching for the love dat seemed so far

to mock at the kind of connection we had.

*shhh... for those who noes wat blog i'm refering to. pls... somethings r better left unsaid, but i'm glad dat u noe.

2005-10-12T08:36:00.000+08:00

Blog Fillers

er-hem... 2nd attempt at writing dis bloody blog entry. juz now dunno y the fucking laptop hang. 15 min worth of blogging down the drain.

not dat there were any constructive contents in the 1st place.

as suggested from the name, it's a filler. i haf no particular topic to blog abt, but i juz felt like blogging. u noe, blogging for the sake of blogging; contributing
to the vibrancy of my blogwork. dat's all. i hope. cos i noe i haf the ability to gabble from one place to another... i mite haf a complete entry in the end, tho quality of contents not guaranteed.

as w my usual self, been feeling better since the minor breakout on mon. climbing out of the valley of the sine curve. now i'm gearing up for the next sem.

self pic of me... u noe... as the caption says, i'm feeling blue, into the blue... and yup, dun b alarmed. i've gone blonde...

or from another pt of view, i'm giving up on dis sem.

an evaluation of current and future situation has led me to conclude dat getting a No-Class Honours will b more of a certainty than getting a class for it. w/o the burden of the honours, CAP is no longer as impt, juz as long as i dun get <2.0. face="Trebuchet MS" color="#330000" size="4">
the lowering of expected expectations really bring joy expectedly...

so wat am i gearing up for? start to look out for the opening of application for PGP. if not, will go OSA appeal. after all, Punggol is on the other side of the island w.r.t NUcS, yar? if not, shall go appeal to c.h teo. if i'm not wrong, the elections coming next yr. most prob i can vote, u noe...

den i shall put in more time for csc activities. i shall acquire the skill of hynotizing ppl dat will make them love me. csc members shall love me. the benefeciaries shall love me. the conquer of (the love of) the world shall start tonite!!

dunno y, while posting the photo, i saw an animation where the heart shape falls out of the pic. my imagination or wat? there was an accompanying sound clip too...

and while on dis 3-mth hols, i shall start work on my screenplay. but the bloody helleva prob is dat i haf no training watsoeva in dis field. hmmm... maebe i'll complete the novel i wanna write for 大专文学奖 lol

if i win, i shall use the money to... to... well, it hafta depend on how much i will win... u noe... if a lot, i'll go on an overseas trip all by myself (dis is like watching a movie, most prob no one will go w me, so mite as well lower my expectations in the 1st place...).

or i'll buy all the cds and DVDs i want. clothes... zen micro in orange. or a trip on star virgo. or hire a male stripper for my b'day party (invited guests will b zhanrong, 冷叶 and momo). or a trip to hk to watch sammi's concert (hope there'll b), or go to TW and look for 张小燕 and ask her to take me in under her wing. lol

or i'll not win at all, juz like xqrj, whose views differ so much from my frens... haiz...

aniwaes, xl and yq concluded dat i'm STRAIGHT. wat?? after all my efforts to convert into a BI, they said i'm straight, all cos of an entry.

but really, there aren't any ogle-icious guys in NUcS (those who does looked like a punching sack). u noe, maebe ntu got, but i'm bloody hell in NUcS. gd-looking ppl aren't clever (which is a view from my tutor, who has neva asked me a single qn in cls, cos i'm better-looking than the PRCs in my tutorial gp... ok... better GROOMED.), take 蔡康永 for eg.

who? lee-hom?? god noes which chap-ah-lang uni he came from...

ok lah... pls spare me from any more blogging, k? i noe i noe, ppl juz can't get enuf of my blogging. lol but i muz limit my productions u noe... limited editions sell at a higher price. so dat's all lah...

2005-10-10T12:58:00.000+08:00

I'm Back, Yo!

i'm not performing dis sem. in fact, i'm not even working. still suffering from the repercussions of the betrayal.

i noe some ppl out there will tink (and want to tell me) dat i'm wrong to tink dis way, cos well, i'm neva rite. so, wateva dat has happened till date was all my fault. no, there was no betrayals, much less repercussions.

but now, save ur effort, cos no amt of nagging will change my views.

w.r.t my US saga, i muz say no one gave me a single word of encouragement. no one gave me consolation. cos all other ppl tot i was stupid enuf to haf harbored such tots, i deserved no kind treatment.

i haf neva felt so loney b4. not dat i really wanted +ve words said to me, but the incident made me realize how lonely i am in dis world, cos there was no one who tinks in the least bit like me.

one who would say, 'yes, i noe they owe u dat and they shd repay u. go ahead and make ur claim'.

one who wld root for me, 'yes, the place u've wanted to b all ur life. the place u've dreamed in ur dreams, u haf looked up to prepare urself a life there. the place where u can leave all ur lowly self behind. ur unhappy childhood (if there was one) and the ppl who brot u all the misery in ur life'

one who wld tell me, 'u haf been betrayed. given word of promise and yet betrayed at the very last moment.'

one who wld understand, 'yes, cos of the betrayal, ur life has been turned upside down. u missed ur chance to appeal to change ur major. u could not apply for on-campus housing. u haf lost ur dieections.'

unfortunately, naysayers haf neva put themselves in my shoes and said the above. instead, i was silly to haf wanted to go to US cos it's not a place for me. cos i dun deserve to spend the $$$ dat wasn't meant for me. cos my family wld b worried.

no one in my shoes will neva understand how untrue those statements were.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

aniwaes, tokked to peipei last sat during ur JB trip. yep, she told me abt a wrong decision she had to live w for 4 yrs. am i going to follow her footsteps and put myself in misery for 3 more yrs?

i dunno if pursuing a degree i haf no interest in will work for me. perhaps i'd b able to call for a $2k/mth salary w dat degree.

but i may not even b able to get dat degree.

wat abt the other alternate lives i'd live?

i really dunno.

i dun haf the courage to turn my back and pursue the alternate life i'd wanted to live, the life dat i put aside for the sake of an aerospace degree dream. the dream dat i tot wld come true if i persisted, dat if i were to remain faithful, the Heavens will make a leeway for me.

the alternate life. w each passing day, i'm getting further away from dat life, the life dat needed the vigour of youth to cultivate, to plod towards success.

yup, perhaps it's at dis juncture, where i'm faced w minor setbacks, dat i'm tinking abt things dat r farfetched and unrealistic. stuff dat was drowned in an everyday struggle to maintain academic performance.

is there? is there really a life of success other than the pursuit of degree?

the fabled land of hopes?

or were those tales, well, fabled, w success rates of 0.001%?

late nite.

wondering.

crying.

sobbing.

2005-10-06T22:20:00.000+08:00

男得风光

rushed home to watch the abovementioned show. they had been touring NZ for the past few wks. watching the show was both a pleasant and frustrating experience.

u see, NZ was really a nice and beautiful place, so watching the show to 过干瘾 was very nice. the picture quality was nice, unlike our vidcam, so re-living the exp on tv really made me feel happy.

OTOH, they went to places other than the ones we went to (considering dat the show was sponsored by chan bros, which was the travel agent we took, wondered y there were discrepancy...). so... i get to see the places dat we missed, which made me v sad, cos of the tot dat i missed those beautiful places.

and also, for the places dat we went, they explored it to a bigger extent, which made me REAL saddened at the tot dat we missed those experiences despite being there in person! like walking on the glacier itself, spending enuf time to shop at Arrowtown, a trip on a coal-fuelled steam-engined cruise on Lake Wakatipu (at Queenstown), visit and set foot on the shooting spots for LOTR.

bleah!!!

2005-09-29T19:42:00.000+08:00

Combating Lonelinfinity

was super touched last nite, again. yes, was identified by 3 kids, jayson, shawn and weihong. neva tot dat kids will rem me after a nite of ~~passion~~ games, cos adults dat i mit mite not even acknowledge my presence when i pass by. and also, i was unable to rem faces of 'big ppl' when i was small, cos they juz fleet abt my arc of sight and neva cared to notice me. i tot the kids will b like me too... seems like i was wrong.

shawn was esp cute. he made his appearance by dashing into the hall (or canteen, assembly area... dunno wat it's called) in a cop-and-thief manner w his fren. dashed betw the array of tables, dodging and 'shooting'. ah... such naivity. such bliss.

and he said he recognized me by my rubber bands. looks like they'll become a compulsory accessory for my subesquent visits...

even tho i admit i'm getting crazily in love w the kids, i wonder wat my attitude will b when they start throwing temper and cry and wail and wateva-not-so-pleasant. maebe by then, my love for kids will once again drop to nought. lol

will gif myself 1 more day of lve again. can't b bothered to study. can't make myself study.

kf was rite. when i consulted w him abt my US trip half a yr ago, he told me dat if eventually i end up still in s'pore (be it voluntarily or not), i muz 4get abt dis whole episode totally. cos it's gonna affect me in wateva i do.

he was rite. i still can't get over it.

the hatred. the disappointment. the sense of betrayal.

all sorts of reasons pop out in support for my hatred for ECE. prog, PRCs, sucky tutors and all. unlike the prev 2 sems, i've no motivation wat-so-eva to push myself to study now. wat's the use? wat's the use of studying sth so remotely far from my interest? wat's the use of trying to get a 2nd (and higher) class honours when i can't even beat the PRCs? in an area i dun even feel like fighting in?

i haf LB, i haf CSL, i haf lindy hop, i haf biz-com.

i admit these r stuff i do to keep myself busy, reasons for me NOT to touch academics. i survived the last yr living w loneliness cos i believed dat there'll b light at the end of the tunnel. now dat the dream is dashed and hope is gone, loneliness becomes stifling, loneliness becomes stinging to my mind, loneliness becomes a liability.

it's not dat there's no light at the end of the tunnel; there is no end to it.

which was y i would rather stay in a rm of rowdy ppl i dunno than to face the 4 walls by myself.

i dun care if they dunno me, emotionally or consciously; in depth or at the surface. i'll claim them as mine, zenöv's frens.

am i too selfish??

2005-09-27T10:03:00.000+08:00

Something Light

tot i shd dwell on sth dat boosts my ego. hee...

remember the sat (the wk b4 last), when jan brot me to tamphome and intro me to 'the pretty gal', they dwelt on sth in the line of dat i looked like a proj superstar contestant.

i admit dat i was gleeful, in fact, it was the 1st time i felt myself blushing. u see, even if dat guy was NOT handsome (which they quickly claimed in order to prevent me from breaking the ceiling), pls, ppl who can get into it muz look decent. i'm glad i haf risen from the ranks of unsee-able to can-see-able. but really, i dunno y i blushed dat day.

aniwaes, i was hoping they weren't refering me to the chen mengqi, cos i tink he v bhb, which, according to the gals, was the trait of the guy they were comparing me to. haiz... i went to the superstar website, but couldn't decide whose hairstyle dat i copied. hmmm... but i found out dat the other nus-ian was a hc-ian oso, except he was a tchs-ian. bleah...

aniwaes, sometime during the wk, someone mentioned dat i looked like a taiwanese, which was the 2nd such comment i received in the past 2 mths. hmmm... glad i'm not looking like a PRC, considering dat i c them almost everyday. looks like the hrs in front of scv watching ch 49, 51, 52, 54 and 56 helps.

then, something farnie last wed, during the csl activity.

was tokking to mx. well, for ppl i mit 1st time, i tend to converse in eng, cos i dunno when i'd tok to a non-chinese-who-looks-like-chinese person. so we were tokking till the restaurant and were ordering our food. and then i said sth like:

我要 chicken mee sua

and mx turned to me in surprise and exclaimed, "u speak chinese!"

clarice and renhong, who were sitting opp us, were like, "huh?! of cos he speak chinese..." and i was like, "do i look like an indian??"

and later dat nite, mx actually said again she din tink i was local. and i wondered aloud whether she tot i was a taiwanese, since dat was a common remark made by ppl w dat kind of idea.

but she replied, "u look like an ABC."

now, dat was the last thing i expected from her.

me? an ABC?? REALLY?!?! *glee + even more glee* but amazingly, i din blush.

now, i suppose if i slim down, i can fite ppl like leehom and wilber lol

2005-09-15T08:28:00.000+08:00

Another Pleasant Nite

came home last nite feeling rather pleased w myself. went for csl, u see.

was quite worried dat i couldn't cope. in fact, the activity started w me waiting at the wrong bus-stop and having renhong AND gals (my 1st tot was dat i made a rite choice to go csl =P, but dun worry, LB, i wun forgo u despite ur lack of... incentives...) to come fetch me. made me feel so paiseh.

as i had not been paired, i was assigned to this table of kids whose volunteers din come. they were quite ok, except for one who refused to do her work. so i kept nagging at her, so much so dat the other gal complained dat i was too noisy. and the more she complained, the more i nagged at them. gradualyy, i was reduced to juz the 2 of them, cos one was a brilliant kid who needed no asstance, and the other had a volunteer who came late.

ok, i suppose these kids dun belong to the terror-kids categeory, so i really had a nice time w them. or they could b kind to a new guy like me, gradually showing their true colours. aniwaes, it was juz fun disturbing them (shh!!! dun let the others noe, later i gana fired).

u noe, as a person grows, he yearns to b young again. but most ppl can't, cos the societal norms force us to act 'MATURE', which is by my definition, a most naive description, cos there's no such thing as mature.

aniwaes, was glad dat i can become childish again for dat hr.

then marked their (actually, it's one, cos the other only did ONE qn for the whole hr...) papers. as there was no ans sheet for the eng paper, i was forced to mark it on the spot. but i muz say it was super easy, cos i finished marking in 5 min time, inclusive of comprehension. now, when was the last time i spent less than 3 hrs on a qn??

and it was an hr of self-restraining. realized i wasn't supposed to use dialect expressions, like wah-liew, or an even milder use of zor-dang (in the way). the kid even made me apologize to her for using wah-liew.

WAH LIEW...

time to go home, and did a silly thing.

i was afraid dat i would go the wrong way, so i asked the 2 gals ahead of me on the path whether they were going the same way. i tink i sent the wrong signal, cos i felt their guard rising as if they were expecting some sex maniac. BUT I'M NOT!!! =(

but i managed to keep my cool and carried a conversation along the way by not acting too buaya (and confirm their doubts) or too boring (and wreck my 1st impression). a little humorous (by survey, this tops the list of gals) but not too wacky (which happens to b near the bottom...) u noe, it's hard to tell w gals...

BUT i muz declare dat i wasn't trying to hit one them (I'M a VERY SHY person...), but was trying to ease their guard and improve my impression on them. dun wanna them going to other gals and warning them to guard against a fat buaya.

and did an even sillier thing on the way home. i alighted at the wrong LRT station, AGAIN. 2nd time. and i happened to b wondering yesterday if i would do dat again, since it had been more than a mth since the last time. i concluded dat i wun, cos i'm one who learn from mistakes and am more alert than b4 when i'm going home.

haiz...

but for now, i'm quite certain i wun commit the same mistake again for the next mth or so...

2005-09-13T09:02:00.000+08:00

Beautiful Morning

woke up to a cold morning...

and stepped into a fog dat covered the whole of punggol.

overlooking the pc of grassland dotted with shrubs, a pc of translucent white fabric hung over the tops of the line of pine trees.

the hillock across the stream also gleamed a pleasant white under the morning sun; the stream itself, which was usually sparkling and bright is now a milky streak.

it's a nice morning view to start the day w...

2005-09-11T22:42:00.000+08:00

Wondering Aloud

dreamt of dis person again during an afternoon nap. so much has changed, yar? of cos, it was only my dream and i couldn't really remember the contents...

2005-09-11T13:25:00.000+08:00

9/11

it has been 4 yrs since the muslims attacked my dream home...

ppl may destroy my home, but they can't dash my dreams.

2005-08-19T15:13:00.000+08:00

Taking On Lives

been following mr brown's blog since dunno when, not fervently, but regularly. while i find some of his efforts to make fun of several 'issues' tasteless, i quite liked reading abt him and his autistic daughter...

yup, even tho i haf been labelled 'autistic' b4, i've never really known how/wat autistic really behaves/means. and since it's a condition, like down's syndrome and such dat has never crossed my life (but perhaps crossed my line of sight), i've been apprehensive abt approaching them... (which is y when fred suggested i go sunlove, i told him i mite aggravate their conditions instead...)

aniwaes, the joy of reading mr brown's entries on his gal isn't w bad intent (like i always laugh at certain ppl for their lack of ht or similarity to filipinos... haha...), but they really gave me insight of wat autism is. and everytime i read abt how his gal acted up (like in the recent posts), i really feel the pain for him.

The Maid -- haunted by a bride ghost...

how difficult it is to bring up a child like her; it's really brave of him and his missus.

i mean, even for normal children, any parent will go gaga over any skinned knees and running nose, not to say children w special needs. any situation is amplified the way the fears r amplified to the children's minds.

The Maid 2 -- haunted by (left to rite) polka-dot faced Dracula, Headless Ghost, blue-tongued Dua Ah-Pek and pink eyebrowed Demoness. Predictions r dat the movie will end w The Maid in alliance w Headless Ghost, Dua Ah-Pek and Demoness to drink the blood of Dracula...

and i wonder... yup, the way i always wonder... will i b daring enuf to take the risk, the risk of having a child w defects? or to take the burden of rearing a child w no defects? the burden of perfection?

dat day, watched on discovery a show on the genetics of beauty. saw some ppl w genetic disorder. yup, genetic diseases may not b passed down by parents, cos it also means a genetic mutation at time of birth. there was dis guy w a defect gene dat controls growth of hair -- he ended up w hair all over him, even on his face, like our distant relative. it was bad and heart-wrenching. on one hand, i was petrified at how ugly he was, and on the other, i pitied dat he has to suffer from such ordeals.

there r really things beyond our control, way beyond our control.

then how issit dat ppl can succeed the way they succeeded?? are they luckier than most, or not as lucky as others?

the show concluded dat ppl with a more 'average' look r deemed more beautiful. it's like u can't haf the defined nose of andy lau, big eyes of cyndi and jolin's/jolie's sensuous mouth, cos u'd end up like michael jackson.

oops... wrong pic... courtesy from Planet of The Apes...

instead, go for the elimination of ur flaws. if ur nose is inproportionately larger than ur face, then shrink it, cos as the show concluded, in the definition of beauty, it's how little mutations u haf on the genes dat code for ur outlooks.

back to my pt: is life really full of chances? as in risks, not opportunities.

i guess it's really how u take on the consequences of ur choices.

then r we doomed to b remedying for the wrongs dat life brings us? it'll b like we're trying to catch up life instead of us taking the lead in life...

so how shd we live life actually? to lead or to chase after?

i dunno. cos if i noe, i wun b here and typing like a loser.

at the same time, i tink i'm still not prepared for life, for bringing a new life to earth, not to say taking on the chances of the defects/perfections dat my child brings with it.

thank u for taking the time w me to read something dat ends up as a loop. *sheesh!!!*

2005-08-17T20:13:00.000+08:00

最后的痛...

今天下午终于把退学信寄去美国了。拖了很就，不得不狠下心来剪断这份依依不舍。

不知情的服务生还贴心地祝福我留学顺利。没办法。。。得抑住心痛地敷衍寒喧。

有些时候还真的是最关心的人伤人最深。

前几天买了元卫觉醒的新专辑《幸福下载》。轻松的摇滚，轻轻地把烦恼暂时摇走。唉。。。什么时候才能真正地甩开烦恼？？

其实很喜欢这张专辑，也很得意最近所买的专辑都很符合自己的口味。本来是因为觉得专辑封套很美才买下它的，然后发现他们都是和我一样是神秘、怪异的天蝎，元介还和我同年呢。之后又被他们的歌吸引。当然当然，还是偏爱抒情的《你好吗》。

在这个时候，我发现我还是感到非常茫然。失去了追梦的理由，我不知道该如何从新开始。没有了方向，没有了战斗心，我受困于人生的定格里。

救救我。。。

2005-08-12T16:59:00.000+08:00

Losing Part of My Memories (Again) II

well, it turned out dat losing a part of my memories do haf its plus too, except dat i do not like the plusses.

the story goes dat my memory space was actually filling up, st i couldn't install the new programs dat the online resources of the txtbks require. however, cos of the breakdown, my C drive is again free for installations and downloads.

but i dun want...

as i said b4, i lost quite a memorable part of my memories, as well as my efforts. dis coming sem is unwanted, and yet it's so ironic dat my gd old memories shd make way for new things dat i reject, dat i refuse to accept.

2005-08-09T23:59:00.000+08:00

Losing A Part of My Memories... Again

my dear laptop failed on me dis morning, after i failed to write data onto the CD-RW, after the warranty ended a few days ago, after i entrusted my life and secrets for a yr... my faithful buddy... it died.

went to sim lim to look for the guy who fixed the prob w my desktop 2 yrs ago... alas! he was gone too. apparently, he closed down quite recently, cos his things were still ard and the guy who owned the other half of the shop was trying to help him sell his stuff.

the repairman was rather surprised. cos he juz accepted another faulty fujitsu a few days ago w apparently the same prob. the guy who looked like yang remarked, "fujitsu had a time bomb in their machines! all of them fail at the same time..."

yup, my hard disk was faulty, caused by some malicious software. luckily i partitioned my drive and kept the impt stuff away from the programs. all dat was done was to reformat my C drive and all was well... well, at least my machine is running (faster) again.

i still lost some impt stuff, cos it was still where most of my daily programs were run. like my fav folder. had to recall and retrace the websites i visit often. some of the pix were gone too... thank goodness i had tehm backed up, but hafta spend time to transfer.

ms office gone, so some lect notes can't b viewed. the nus settings were gone, but they wun b of an trouble dis sem, till i move back to pgp next sem.

well, it seems dat my life depended too much on tech, and yet it went back on track (80%, with 10% totally gone and the rest will come back in time...) pretty soon. and for the prob, had to part w some money, money dat i intended for its upgrade. haiz... looks like it will hafta b postponed.

some of the unrecoverable data werethose of the dream dat was almost fulfilled. dun c the nid to recover them, and dun want to remind myself of the disappointment. seemed like life had its way of removing my pain the hard way.

the last time i lost some impt data was when i accidentally locked my sim card, the one dat held the 1st sms i received, 19 June 2000. the memory of the best part of my life was partially removed, cos i do still rem some of the contents despite the loss of the tool. however, time will take its toll and take wat's left of my cherished memories away too. i knew it.

but cos i can do nothing against it, i juz hope i can withstand it for as long as i could.

i hope.

2005-08-05T17:57:00.000+08:00

Cycling Day V

short, leisurely and happily. dis was a trip on impulse, on pursuit of the scorching sunshine dat hid behind the clouds when i started cycling.

against the dark clouds, a plane flew over me, juz like they always do while i'm on a cycling trip (actually, hundreds of planes fly over Punggol everyday. so close to ground they were shortly after take-off, i can c the windows of the fuselage...). and i wondered:

me cycling and there's him somewhere above me, watching me; both of us, on a lesiurely day out...

in a matter of a few yrs, so many changes took place.

wherever u r, wherever u r... pls take care. i'm living my life as it is, but pls take care...

2005-07-30T10:53:00.000+08:00

Repercussions of The Betrayal

i haf been feeling more vexed and depressed lately, because when the time nears when i am supposed to b in the States, I haf to face the fact dat i AM NOT going to b anywhere near there. yesh, the depression is more than dat of the day when my mum betrayed me by breaking her word last min, a promise she made more than half a yr ago. cos i, the victim of her irresponsible act, has to face the consequences, the upheaval of life.

i hafta embark on a course dat i haf neva tot of studying, dat includes modules dat i disliked and wun hafta study otherwise. i hafta prepare to travel from home to nus everyday cos at the time of the aplication of hostels, i was promised dat i wun nid to stay in nus. i hafta face the competition and the existence of PRCs in my sch. i hafta bear w the nuisance of malays.

and the stress of these few days was having to trouble myself w preparing for the life dat i dun want/din expect, bidding for modules, buying txtbks and planning timetables.

i cried.

yes i cry.

and yes, i will cry, for the days to come, for the days dat will not come. for the betrayal of a person close to me, for a betrayal i tot wun happen despite all the failures my family had in keeping their promises to me for the past 22 yrs.

i dunno y on earth i'm still alive here, leading a life dat no longer holds meaning for me. no one cares for my benefits, no one cares abt the hurt i feel deep inside my heart. no one cares whether i haf a dream or not and whether they haf crushed it totally or not.

i live for the hope dat i may still b able to salvage some of my dreams when i graduate. i hope. i wish.

if i am able to, i'll move out of s'pore the day i graduate. and i'll never return, to repay them for the betrayal they gave me. yes, whether i'll b able to survive there will b of no business of them, as they'd said. if i die, it's my fate. if i prosper, it has got nothing to do w them and so they deserve not to share my wealth.

since they dun care abt me, y shd i b bothered abt them??

2005-07-28T23:35:00.000+08:00

Reliving Queenstown

realized dat I missed something abt Queenstown dat I felt deeply for. It wasn’t until I saw a black and white pic in my lect notes dat I was reminded of the splendour and magical feelings the place brought me.

The time came in the morning of the 3rd day in NZ, when we’re leaving Queenstown for Milford Sound. As the journey would take quite some time, we set off at 6am, while the sky was still dark, tho not dat dark. I dunno if it was usually dat way or cos we were at NZ during full moon, cos the sky wasn’t pitch black, the type we would assume to be while out in the mountains, where Queenstown is thousands of miles away from any metropolis (Christchurch wasn’t even a big city!!)

Aniwaes, we ventured out of town (literally) and circumscribed Lake Wakatipu dat Queenstown was sitting on. As mentioned b4, the lake was set in the mountains, so I could c the silhouette of the snow-capped mounatins very vividly. Listening to the soundtrack of Gattaca and admiring the scene.

It was really magical. Cos u c, the snow was white, so unlike a normal silhouette, which was black against the not-so-dark blue sky, I can c dat the snowy hilltops were light blue peaks against the nite sky (really, the sky looked so brite i can't really say it's 'dark blue', and yet it wasn't the baby blue u see in daytime). It felt like watching a fairy-tale scene come to live, so much so dat I tot the scene b4 me was a pastel drawing, really, it was then I realized dat the sky wasn’t as dark as i'd always seen it as. I wondered how it would feel to b up there, where I wun b shrouded in the dark, but b immersed in moonlight all ard, from the sky and from the reflections of the snow.

So back to the pic I saw in the notes, it was showing Hale-Bopp Comet streaking across the nite sky over some mountain peaks (tho I couldn’t discern if the peaks were snow-covered). But almost immdeiately, the magical sense came back to me and the scene popped out into real life b4 me, w snow or not, I can imagine precisely how dat pic would haf looked like.

Then I realized dat such instances were not isolated, since I was back from NZ. Other 2D pix also appealed to me dat way, and like the Alaska show I watched the other day, 2-dimensional scenes and pix of mountains and nature no longer seem bland to me as they were b4 in geography bks.

I would say dat the trip to NZ has changed my perspective greatly.

And the final conclusion?

I muz relive dat kind of experience again, personally, physically in the shortest time possible.

2005-07-12T01:17:00.000+08:00

NGC's Wild! Life Adventures

was feeling quite grouchy after a day of working w women. then i turn on the tv and watched NGC's Wild! Life Adventures: Alaska's Bush Pilots.

basically, it's this show w a v gd-looking guy (v nice blue eyes) who went to Alaska to experience the wild-life there. his guide is a native pilot called Paul. however, since there's barely any rds in alaska, the 1st vehicle any alaskans will drive is an airplane.

aniwaes, the scenery was superb. kinda remind me of the snow-capped mountains i saw in NZ, except alaska is many many times bigger and has many many more mountain ridges.

paul lives in the middle of the mountain, where the nearest neighbour is 20 km away. wow... then they suka-suka go snow-mountain climbing, go river fishing, go glaciers and hike and go snowboard. i tot those activities mite b tough, but the experience is invaluable.

and the scenery was fabulous. so much so i din tink much of the gd-looking host... (who, btw, i dun even noe his name...)

i noe now... dat i'll save up to go adventuring in alaska. dat will b the 1st place out of SEA i'll visit when i start earning money...

maebe... yup... i realize nature really amazes ppl. juz like the guy, who said dat it was in thodr places dat makes u tink because all u can hear is urself. i noe dat feeling. the 1st time was when i was up in the mountains of chiangmai. the 2nd time was when i was in NZ. after all these yrs of being in awe of human creations like architecture and computer technology, nature really did wonders for an urbanite like me.

i noe i wun b able to 'tear myself' away from the urban rush i've come to b terribly reliable on, but once in while, there comes a time when i'll nid nature to heal me psychologically.

really, and i believe everybody nids such a routine too...

2005-07-03T11:27:00.000+08:00

大报复

if the Scorpio is the most famous of the zodiac signs, there has only got to be for one reason:

the Scorpio is the most deadly signs; it never forgives, and it definitely neva forgets.

the time has come for the Scorpio to strike back.

2005-07-02T20:36:00.000+08:00

The Irony of Rainbow 2:
zenov's Laws of Happiness

in the past evening, my whole family, except me, saw a rainbow over Pasir Ris, from different parts of Punggol. they were rejoicing over the sight, some sight i din manage to catch.

the irony of all.

the essence of zenov's Laws of Happiness.

according to the 2nd law, one's happiness is derived from an external system; it flows from a region of higher concentration to a region of lower concentration.

the very symbol of the rainbow.

we neva c the same rainbow. neither could we share the same amt of happiness derived from it.

because the very fact dat their happiness was snatched away from me undermines the irony of the rainbow.

i see it as taunting at my failure in life, while they c hope.

"is that the only way u can succeed, anton, is to see me fail?" -- Vincent Freeman, Gattaca

anton is vincent's bro. bro by blood, but not by faith (watch it and u'll understand)

incidently, watched "O" last afternoon. as b4, i felt for the character Hugo Goulding.

"All my life I always wanted to fly. I always wanted to live like a hawk. I know you're not supposed to be jealous of anything, but...to take flight, to soar above everything and everyone, now that's living." -- Hugo Goulding, O, opening lines.

i'm so jealous of the fact dat ppl r living better lives than me. i hate the fact dat i'm inferior.

i used to say (and still believe)dat i'd rather b born into ethiopia, afghanistan... at least i wun c happiness rite b4 me; happiness dat i can c, but i can't touch. if i dunno abt the existence of happiness, i'd not b suffering from the cravings for it.

it's juz like the carrot on the stick. some ppl may tink it's a form of encouragement, i c it as a form of punishment.

but i'm juz born into s'pore. i'm born into a family who c striving for better lives as ungrateful, greedy and foolish. i'm born into a family who is not poor, but forces me to live in a style of poverty; to make me feel so inferior from young; to let other kids laugh at me not having toys they haf... i dun even haf one.

is it so wrong to ask for a better life?

"All my life I always wanted to fly. I always wanted to live like a hawk. I know you're not supposed to be jealous of anything, but...to take flight, to soar above everything and everyone, now that's living.

But a hawk is no good around normal birds. It can't fit in. Even though all the other birds probably wanna be hawks; they hate him for what they can't be. Proud. Powerful. Determined. Dark. Odin is a hawk. He soars above us. He can fly. One of these days, everyone's gonna pay attention to me. Because I'm gonna fly too." -- Hugo Goulding, O, closing lines.

One of these days, I'm gonna fly, no matter what.

2005-06-29T09:43:00.000+08:00

Rainbow As A Symbol of Irony

15 min from lect and i'm stuck in CL cos the printers r not switched on for me to print my notes. god noes wat i can do.

yes, god noes.

i've no way out.

juz min after the cold hard reality was thrown into my face, i saw my 1st rainbow in punggol.

it was big and bright, branching from a sea of rolling dark clouds.

it was those kind of situation again. i wanna cry, but i can't, cos i'm in the middle of the morning rush.

holding back tears muz b the toughest punishment we muz suffer from being down in the valley of failures. juz when expression of sadness was the only thing i could do, i couldn't.

my mum gave in cos my sis threatened to move out.

i dun c the diff. my mum kept saying dat i can do wateva i want after i grad, she wun interfere. she said she was juz worried dat i'll mit w mishaps when i'm in US, so dun wanna me go. she said money wasn't the reason she's stoppping me.

contradictions. all contradictions.

if she's worried, y is she saying dat she wun care where i go after i grad? if she wun care where i'll go 3 yrs later, then wat diff does it make whether i go this aug or 3 yrs later?

the only diff: i'd b working and i wun b using a single cent from any of them.

and she said money wasn't the reason.

i hate the world. the whole fucking world's a fucking swarm of hypocrites. ppl who juz dun wan to c others do better in life. ppl who wun wanna take risks or support their loved ones.

i hate myself, for being rite here where i am.

2005-06-28T21:21:00.000+08:00

The Road Less Travelled

i'm fighting a war all alone...

juz cos i chose to take the rd less travelled.

i haf an impression dat s'poreans believe the worst of the ppl who dun follow the crowd; the rd less travelled == the rd to failure == the end of life. i hope dat such a mindset is only prevalent here.

or issit?

perhaps more cos my familty believe the worst of me.

Ye Zhanrong == proud/arrogant/big-headed/tink he very clever

Ye Zhanrong == selfish/greedy/demanding

Ye Zhanrong == over-confident/egoistic

Ye Zhanrong == reckless/brainless/himbo

Ye Zhanrong == gd-for-nothing/sucker/loser/incapable of doing things rite

Ye Zhanrong == ugly/fat/uncharming

Ye Zhanrong == bad attitude/kiam pa face/will b beaten to death on the st

Ye Zhanrong == unrealistic/untrustworthy

Ye Zhanrong == unfilial/ungrateful/take for granted

u noe, i hope they're rite. at least i wun feel as much pain as i do now.

2005-06-27T21:43:00.000+08:00

A Lot Like -_-lll

ever felt like kicking/biting/torturing urself?

yup... whole afternoon of it.

tot i wld pamper myself after all these wks w watching movies. movie marathon. A Lot Like Love @ 1340 & Mr & Mrs Smith @ 1610.

paiseh for watching A Lot Like Love after issuing the open invitation. i tot the possibility of watching a movie w another individual(s) on a wkday afternoon (cheapest) to b rather low. mite as well catch the shows than let them go into the long list of movies-intended-to-watch-but-den...

if u guys realize u haf time to catch a movie & want to spend it w me, i can say i'd watch any show, even if it means re-watching. btw, tbp is still showing madagascar. lol

where was i...? ok, i tot dat i'd b happier after watching movies, since it was my fav pastime.

after ALLL, i started to feel blue.

hmmm... it wasn't an ultra-gd show, but the concept is there. i'm no movie critic, all i'm after is the concept and the feel. the feel's there too.

one thing i saw was myself, as in, the 1st part of ashton's char (oliver) -- the dork. haha... i'm trying to maintain a somewhat long hair, which i suppose will b wat oliver/i looks like when he/i grad (tho i hoped mine will look much better than his...). haha... & he had a plan; i had a plan: to set up a business of my own. but his story went far into the future, sth i haven't reached yet. and the career pt wasn't optimististic...

aniwaes, i was quite affected by the show lah... he had a love to look forward to, but nt me. but aniwaes, his love appeared after he grad, i haven't grad. perhaps i can look forward to it.

so the prob w me is: he is not me and i'm not him; wat happened to him (and in a fictional show) will not necessary happen to me.

i keep fantasizing and the more i do, the more i feel disillusioned.

ok... i din tink dat much juz now, but juz felt disillusioned. i onli connected the two.

in between the movies, walked ard and saw a lot of couples walking abt. i was like: wat's the matter w these ppl? y r they in pairs? then y r there not enuf babies? but aniwaes, i juz felt put off by the existence of couples. arggghhhh... can lve me alone juz for today?

then watched M&Ms. ermz... juz a normal husband-&-wife-got-prob-then-solve-it show, w a twist. instead of the normal way of thrashing it out, they literally thrashed it out -- w guns and bombs. the tot of it made me laugh.

and brad pitt can act ok... but those expressions dat impressed me was the cheeky one he gave in the dance w mrs smith (she squat down in front of him to remove his hidden weapon to kill her) and the time when she accidentally knifed him. i dinno he has expressions other than 'cool', 'cooler' & 'super-damn cool' (& in dis case, 'cute'). angelina was juz so-so: sexy, sexier & super-damn sexy.

still, felt blue, cos it was after all a feel-gd show where lovers lived happily ever after.

i dun feel it's realistic, so i can't feel for it. haiz...

then decided to do sth... make myself happier w music. juz when i felt ok, i stepped into a pool of vomit. very nice... i nearly burned popular to ashes.

hmmm... aniwaes, b4 my movie marathon, went to let my hair down in arcade. daytona is now $0.40, v worth it. so spent most of my $5 on it, w some on some shooting game i was neva gd in. not dat i was gd in daytona also (din even complete the 8 laps of beginner's), but i juz gain a deeper sense of satisfaction from the game.

okok... enuf liaoz. i'm getting bored writing these monotonous stuff. signing off...

signed off.

2005-06-14T22:24:00.000+08:00

Amen

专辑上的文案是这么写地:听 penny 对自己的告解 (or sth along the line...)

to me, the song did juz dat, even tho i dunno if she meant to include her faith here (u noe how christiany ppl like to god here god there lah...).

still, i like the song.

dis act of tokking to myself always happen, and it's always inevitable to believe dat my other self is cleverer, but is always eluding me and not taking part in my conscious activities.

not helping me make rational decisions, not helping me score in exams.

but it's perhaps my human nature trying to push the blame. who else, but someone non-existing?

"我的告解就是我的眼泪我的哭泣声
我很难过你明明都听见你却不过问"

and the next line:

我要的人为何不能像我一样的那么忠诚 (AMEN!!!)

yes... at times, i wonder y ppl i love isn't as faithful in the relationships as i do. faithful, i dun mean loyalty or wat. juz dat, if a belief in love is juz like a religious faith, i haf not met the person who belongs to the same faction as me... who holds the same faith as me. even so, we do not share the same degree of faith.

relationships, after all, depends on faith on each other.

trust.

love.

giving.

one thing gd abt religion is dat it teaches ppl to love, love their god. trust their god. give to their god. sad to say, these same ppl do not practice the same kind of love to ppl whom they claim to love. cos god is above everything. they can't bear to replace god w a mortal into the 1st place in their hearts.

same goes w gps, clubs and such. juz dat they do not worship an omnipotent.

aniwaes, dis is not my main pt.

juz dat i like the song and dat it set me tinking abt the faith in relationships. i suppose we trust ourselves more than anyone else to do a confession to them.

perhaps, i am narcisstic... dat i'm looking for someone like me to love.

which reminds me of candy lo's 黑水仙 (black narcissus).

我爱的到底是像我的你
还是你眼睛里的我自己
为何我最爱的我最渴望的都碰不得
你是我的投影还是种宿命我抓不紧...

of cos, i like the song cos of the later 2 sentences. cos i am so love forlorn... bleah!

p/s: 4got to mention dat there's a v nice piano solo at the end of the song... hehe...

2005-06-09T16:30:00.000+08:00

Streaming & Screaming

planned to make some explanations today, cos i dun like to b a mysterious man. and then, the most amazing of news reached my eyes:

i haf been streamed to Electrical Engineering

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

wu yia bo?

i 4got wat rank i put it (def not 1st or last 2 choices), but i noe i got C+ the last sem i took it.

yup, one of those i-am-confident-but-end-up-getting-a-C-modules.

actually, it was the only module dat ended up liddat. the other modules din come out AS BAD.

and esp since i tot i'd most prob b kicked into ME, getting into EE was surely unexpected. i mean, all along i tot it's either i get into ISE (1st choice) or Bioengin (2nd), else i'll b kicked to ME (most available, least requirement) or the worst case scenario: Chem engin. EE was neva in my mind.

aniwaes, went back to check the criteria and got a bloody shock. of the 5 major modules of EE, got B+, B-, C+, C+, C. i got in w these bloody results. as usual, my mind wanders...

--> EE actually has more spaces than ME, or the same, but i got in cos i put EE in front of ME.

--> for these 4 subj, i'm considered doing quite well, 'cos:

==> the others really did badly for them (which implies... something happy for me...)
==> the others did better in the other subj, and got into the other majors dat requires those subj. which also implies dat no one wants EE, so i end up getting in there w those shit results.

either way, i suck. this is not a v gd way to gauge my standing across the board...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

and comes the hi-lite of the day. yup... muz leave the best for the last yar...

aniwaes, thanx to fred and jan for leaving those comments. tho physical presence seem unlikely in lonelinfinity, some other forms of presence do make me feel better.

jan wondered whether we r facing another 14-yr crisis, a.k.a Crisis v14.2. i din tink so. but i tot if i din make dat silly mistake of sending sms to wrong ppl, and let my grievances coop up inside me, it'll definitely lead to a tragic end.

okok... too drama liaoz, but sth liddat.

sometimes, ppl nid to tok. i push back tokking, cos i always try to tink of ways to tok better. and sometimes, i get so extreme dat i say the wrong stuff.

dat's y i always find another person to tok, to evaluate the situation, and at the same time release the grouch in me so dat when the time comes to really tok, i wun sound as if i'm going to kill the person on the spot by dumping all the blame on him.

aniwaes, i hope the damage isn't too great and dat it'll heal.

i noe, i'm getting paranoid wat w being in lonelinfinity and the series of bad news happening to me. i nid to ventilate, still.

aniwaes, like i told jan, everything will come to light in time to come, y i did the things i did and did not.

rite now, it's juz weird to start explaining and esp when things r not confirmed.

yup... since there's nothing certain in this world, let's wait for the certainty to b rite b4 our eyes b4 we jump to conclusions.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

more screaming. oohh... abt my proj mate whom i had a meeting w for 5 min.

okok... was tinking dat since she advertised in IVLE to look for a gp mate, she muz b on and motivated. besides, she's yr 2, got more exp. furthermore, she's also called siew hoon and i tot dat since the siew hoon i knew is gd, other siew hoons shd b ok.

but this siew hoon made me re-think abt my assmptn.

aniwaes, she wasn't too bad, cos she's really super on and ang-moh speaking. the only bad thing abt her:

-->t-shirt, shorts, slippers. the typical look of a temasek-hall-sports-player. ie, the image dat i dislike as an nus student.

--> she slurrs.

--> her face like stefanie sun (not saying she looks like her...)

--> she made me feel like an ah-boy (when i'm older than her...)

--> we met up for our proj for 5 min and dat's how we completed the term paper, separately. something like the way fann wong and jeff chang recorded bie rang qing liang nan...

--> we bumped into each other in fos several times, but she neva said hi...

i tink dat's all abt her. hope i'll neva get to c her again...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

nothing much, except to mention a link i was linked to re a minister's homepage (which was obviously not!). but considering the nature of the page, i wonder how much risk i'm taking to link directly to the page of yeo cheow tong. so... ppl, if interested, juz time his name + dot + com and read the pg. super stupid. i'm actually waiting to c when the author will gana sued... =P

2005-06-07T23:17:00.000+08:00

> 0 <

i feel aggravated.

very troubled.

very suay.

i juz lost a receipt.

i noe... stupid.

i hate losing things. it meant sth i used can't b used prematurely. a thing will b deemed to haf fulfilled its duty when i choose to end it, to throw it away.

nothing can abandon me.

still, i lost dat receipt.

2005-06-07T10:56:00.000+08:00

Return to Arts Canteen

went back to arts canteen for an ealry lunch today. the drinks stall uncle actually remembered me, the kopi-o guy.

y issit dat someone who doesn't noe me remembers my habit? he guessed dat i muz b nearing exams again to haf visited the canteen again.

if onli i haf frens like dat.

2005-06-06T22:52:00.000+08:00

Comments on the lyrics

had been wanting to post dis lyrics up for quite some time. dunno if there r any chi ver, but i tink the canto ver is vivid enuf.

when i 1st heard it, i tot the lyrics was rather apt for some of my personal relationships. some ppl whom i quarrelled w and end up rarely tokking to each other (my dad, yh, aek) and there r some whom i gradually lost contact w (yj, qy, zw, aiping, xiaoying...)

turned out the 2nd gp is more prevailing.

cos it can b broken up into smaller gps. we're too busy, too far away from ea other, time has caused a ridge to appear between us... and some belonged to the can't b bothered to maintain our frenship gp.

amazingly, it's also rather hard to discern between them. cos one reason from there can b used as an excuse for some obscure reason i dunno.

but one thing i noe: ppl aren't interested in making frens w me.

i really feel i haf an aura, esp while i'm in nus, an aura dat keep ppl away. strangers always gif me dat: u look like a freaking weirdo look and they neva attempted to advance further w me. it seemed as if i haf written on my face: i'm an oddball, dun fren me.

do i really haf dat on my face?

i yearn for some kind of love all these while, but no one has rendered me even a drop.

aniwaes, i digressed.

lin xi said dat he wrote the lyrics when he ran away from home after quarreling w his parents. which was y the lyrics shd b viewed in the context of family ties, which was how i felt strongly for it.

i recalled how during the last days of my dad, we din tok to each other for wks for reasons of all sorts. i had to stay in camp for ICT, he went for holiday, i went for clerk duty.

i had felt by then dat perhaps i shd forget abt the past and forgive wateva i felt he did wrong. after all, when i was very sick and down-trodden, he was there to take care of me. neva had i expected dat i had procrastinated too much and missed the chance to tok.

"陪我讲陪我讲出我们最后何以生疏 "

perhaps after saying dat, after clearing all the unhappiness inside us, things will go well. he will go happy. but even at his deathbed, i couldn't utter a single word.

"Shall we talk Shall we talk 就当重新手拖手去上学堂"

isn't dis wat is supposed to happen among ppl?

2005-06-06T09:46:00.000+08:00

Reply To Whining

Dear zenöv,

i'm amazed at my affinity for u. despite ur out of context rantings and unreasonable demands, i can actually feel for u. and to tell the truth, i haf no intelligent replies to ur prob.

frankly speaking, the most politically correct stuff i can tell u is to:

1) Never gif up
2) Find out wat went wrong and
3) Work hard to correct the mistakes

however, u shd understand dat many things r beyond control. no... i'm not preaching fatalism, but there r many factors affecting how a system works and i'm telling u dat unless u can control the majority of the factors, there's no way u can influence the system, except to conform to it.

obviously, u suck at dat.

one way to control the majority is to kill of the minority. imagine u r holding 10 of 100 marbles available in the world, and the other 90 r w various ppl. imagine dat 50 marbles out there disappear or get destroyed, ur share of the marbles will rise from 10% to 20%. at the same time, u can acquire some of the remaining marbles w all means (yes, by hook or by crook) to increase ur holding to 30%.

simple rite?

the 1st step towards elimination is to plant a bomb in the plane dat carries the PRCs back to s'pore. most prob they'd take some lok kok airline, which if crashed, everybody will tink it's due to lack of maintenance. similarly, u can hijack the plane to mauritius. it has been deemed as even more advanced than s'pore. perhaps the PRCs will love it and stay there.

of cos, another way is to kill off ur local peers. juz go to zouk and bazouka the place. or u can e-mail them dat the something went wrong w the mailing system and their results slip could not b mailed to them. ask them to go to mauritius and collect the slips. i believe they'd love the place as much and stay there happily ever after, hand in hand w the PRCs...

alternatively, i suggest u follow ur heart and do wateva u want, even if it meant doing unconventional stuff and taking the road less travelled. well, after all, no one will miss u. u can join Al Qaeda for allah's sake and no one will feel sorry. perhaps they'd b relieved to b relieved of another pest in their lives.

go ahead and live thru ur dream. do not care abt how others will feel or react. they do not deserve ur time and pity. do not stop for nobody. if u fail, u'll juz b forgotten. if u succeed, trust me, ppl will flock to u like moths to lamps.

in the meantime, go play Capitalism for 48hrs straight. u'll drop dead for 3 days and 3 nites and after dat, u'd haf forgotten all ur troubles. =)

cheers to lonelinfinity!!!

2005-06-05T23:25:00.000+08:00

Letter Again:
Between Hiding & Whining...

Dear Aunt Agony,

i've been feeling very much in agony (which explains y u receive my letter, duh!). thurs had not been gd, as i received my much aniticipated results for the sem.

wat was not expected, was the disappointment it brought. i tot i did wat i could over the last sem, to out-do the previous sem. my confidence was not built upon unfounded expectations, but on a review of my efforts and the mid-term results.

somehow, i still fared as badly.

so much for leading a life of a monk.

actually, numbers dun actually matter for me. wat was on my mind was actually how i fared in general, across the board. i noe i can't fite w PRCs, but how well do i stand among locals? am i still the top 10% -15% dat i used to believe i was in? or has army really degraded me into a useless gd -for-nothing brainless pig?

the prob was, the presence of PRCs clouds my judegment. my present results suggest dat i am in the 65%-90% percentile. (or so i hope, cos i really dun haf the statistics), but how many PRCs r there actually? do they take up half of the top 60%? or a mere 10%? if it's the former, it could mean i'm still howvering in the top 30% amongst locals, if not, i'm a mere average kid.

i had fallen from grace.

and dat was juz the most conservative est.

3.34 is really low, it's 66.8% of the total CAP. if a bell curve is drawn between 2.5 and 5 (assuming everybody pass), i'll still b below the bulk. i'll still b inferior. is dis wat the future hi-flyer is supposed to get?

or am i actually not a hi-flyer? i'll end up working as a normal working cls, sub-managerial, drawing a salary of $2k a mth.

not exactly the kind of life i believed i'll achieve.

studying had been my forte and i had been putting my hopes on it to try to achieve the dream. if i can't do well (be above ave) academically, i'll haf to start from scratch doing some other stuff.

some stuff i dunno if i can even do a proper job of, not to say excel in.

i dun even noe wat went wrong dis sem. w nothing to blame on, i haf nothing to improve on. which means i haf done my best and this is wat my best can achieve. which is wat i'll really end up w. being treated as a C-grade worker and paid the C-grade allowance.

i believe i'm an A-grade worker, B to say the least, but reality has proved me wrong.

i can't face reality. i can't face something as harsh.

after all, i put all my life's efforts in it.

it will mean another lifetime of work to rebuild something. and by dat time, i'd b awfully backward.

i dunno. i really dunno.

it's so hard to gauge the society and my standing in it. it's even harder to predict my success in life.

so i chose to hide from it all. i dun want to tink abt it, cos i couldn't come up w a decent soln, explanation. i'm afraid. i'm afraid. i stopped working for my present modules oredi. wat gd does it make to put all my best and end up w meagre results?

kf called me dis afternoon re his 2nd dilemma. and he told me dat if it weren't for dat, he wun even dare to tok abt my results, which i told him last nite.

so he told me dat it's alright dat no other ppl approached me re it. nobody understands me well to handle such a tricky issue w me.

i tot so too.

and i believed it has got to do w my life in lonelinfinity.

i've got to noe a few ppl in NUS, some gd, some jerky, but none became my fren. my hc frens r in ntu and rv frens r nowhere to b found.

i haf onli 2 ppl in nus dat i regard as fren. they r by far my onli source of support. but 2 ppl can't be w me all the time. i understand it, but at the same time i'm angry at dis fact.

dat i'm so frenless, dat they're so near and yet so far away.

having a little social circle has nothing wrong or disadvantageous. take xiao S and gang. they openly declared and admitted dat they haf only each other as frens, and they lived happy lives w juz the support of each other. normal acquaintances pass and go but they're frens forever. at the v least, for the past 10 yrs oredi.

my little circle of frens, be it in nus, ntu or overseas, be it dat they come from diff factions and clicks, r never anywhere near me, near my heart, esp during these few yrs.

i claim them as frens but i can't claim their hearts. they claim me as frens but none has paid their dues.

ppl asked after me superficially. promises r never kept, time is never forked out for me.

i'm a wandering piece of rock in the vast and empty universe.

ok, no... this universe is not empty. but it's juz dat no one solar system wants me to b part of it.

and to tink dat in the near future, i will even b far from dis little circle of frens physically. b plunged into a world of strangeness and unfamiliarity.

i hope it can b a signal of fresh start, but shd it fail, frens will b even further away than they r now.

life has come to dis stage where i've laid claim to failures of everything dat comes my way. how do i make the best out of it? do i haf the time to start from the basics again?

i feel like tokking to the the ex-best fren. but it will b v fako of me, to onli approach him onli when i haf no other choice. besides, we still haf our differences yet to b settled.

i'm also a human w emotions, but no one has even stopped to take a look at me.

2005-06-02T10:00:00.000+08:00

The Meaning of Lonelinfinity

the feeling of loneliness is really more of a matter of relativity. now, i face my family at home, rather than cooping in the small and forlorn pgp rm. however, this does not explain the delay of this post. if u realize, my blogging has decreased overall, cos other factors like PC games and longer travelling time to and back from sch plays a big part.

of cos, mingling in the crowd of the morning rush does also alleviate me from lonelinfinity, emotionally.

i am, after all, still very much all by myself.

my family does not share my interest or 'level of intellectual appreciation', and frens neva do haf time for me.

or issit me who can't learn to appreciate others' interests and fork out time for them?

after all, i tink v much differently than most ppl. (but this does not translate to being cleverer or wat; this is out of the context)

or am i disillusioning myself?

there r many times when i felt like i was out of this world. sometimes, i wondered how i would haf lived my life again and make the best out of it. juz dis morning, on the morning rush, i tot of my children. i wondered if they'd b condemned to lonelinfinity like me; if not, i'd really b happy to c dat they will lead a more fulfilled life, living a life i neva had.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

once upon a time, someone told me while on 961 dat if i were to haf frens, i'd hafta take the initiative. and another said (she also told me this on 961) dat there is someone destined to b ur ONE, but u waiting for him/her doesn't mean dat they will appear.

so i took the initiative to befriend ppl. i conformed to their click's norms, i humbled myself, made myself less aggressive. i made an effort to guess their mood, share their problems and being sensitive (tho not as sensitive enuf), but i was still not on the priority list of anybody. of cos, i dun expect myself to b ahead families and gf, but estranged frens? clubs and soc?

y issit dat ppl haf someone to call their own and i dun haf? y issit dat when time comes, i hafta go crying to someone b4 someone (but not definitely the one i cried to) even looks in my direction? i can't commit to someone who can't commit to me.

yes, my councillor once told me dat relationships r not for trade; u dun gif something and expect for returns. but throwing my feelings and efforts into a bottomless pit is juz as silly. surely i haf the rite to hear some echoes? yar? i dun need ppl to shower all the love in the world on me. rite now, i onli nid some recognition of my existence in this world.

dat, i am still living in dis world.

the meaning of lonelinfinity is, to b able to tolerate the emptiness from within, and only hearing the sound of ur own voice.

at worst, u r the only one in the world who will listen to ur woes and to chat w.

this is lonelinfinity.

i guess it takes a lot to live thru it. unfortunately, i'm left w no choice.

2005-05-09T21:12:00.000+08:00

1st Day Of School

for the 1st time in nus, i felt like back in those old school days, well cos from this day onwards, i'll wake up from my own bed & go to sch from my home... in punggol. will b a bit inconvenient, but will get thru it. =)

early morning sent a few smses to old frens. hee... contents confidential. lol later create scandal how??

aniwaes, 1st day and i had all my modules. hee... 2 of them. 1st gen bio. quite excited to b studying my fav subject again. really. i wonder wat more i will get to learn from this module. well, cos, it includes DNA too, which was supposed to b 'new' to students w no bio background, but i juz finished genes and soc last wk.

after a 2 hrs break, had phy in life sciences. well, juz realized dat the 1st lect was similar to gen bio, & looking at the notes, the 2nd lect will also b the same: chem of life. definitely not sth i learned b4. well, the lecturer was a VERY boring, whispering indian auntie. haiz... difficulty in trying to get over her accent, but still can't hear her. 1-hr lect, 45 min of sleep.

found out dat the workload will b juz the same as a normal term, no excuses for special term. well, got ESSAY, term paper, labs, tests and a MUSEUM VISIT!!! eh... excited too early, cos the museum is in nus grounds. hmm... still dunno its exact location.

okok... so much for updating. sorry for not blogging real seriously for the past few days (congrats to those who find my entries boring!). several reasons:

1) blogging from home is not all dat inducing, as mentioned b4.
2) came across several sad things (see kenny's blog), which reminded me of my own experience, and of cos, added on to my present worries, which i started to dwell on after my break from exams. and the exams itself -- the last few papers weren't so encouraging. basically, only happy abt phy & econs. well, juz hope the rest wun b worse than last sem, so dat i still can show some cap improvement lol

so i wanted to try to express those feelings in a blog extension of Lonely All These Years, cos i realized the contents of dat entry weren't so relevant to the theme, besides, i haf so much to add, but had no idea where to start from.

read from fred's blog dat he tot he felt restrained having to write in a public pte diary. ha... i coined the last clause. well, to me, i dun feel much restrictions, except perhaps i can't complain freely abt fred himself when he acts/speaks like a pig. but it hones my skill of being more subtle AND sarcastic. hmmm...

but to me, i'll continue to write the way i wrote, cos after all, dis is a means for frens who bothered to come to get to really noe me. i'm not one who can speak correctly on impromptu, which makes me rather reluctant to engage in discussions/debate w ppl. however, i do haf tots and ideas i want to express, which can only b done correctly only after some reviewing, dat is, thru writing. wat i write is really wat's racing (ok... slithering...) thru my mind. i try to phrase every word/sentence to the exact precision i meant for it to be (but in my own definition lah).

well, for all i can say, i really feel sad dat frens i hope will come & take a peek at my inside world din come. wat's worse, they complain i'm always keeping things to myself. well, i opened myself, u refused to c. hmmm... no use griping. they wun c it, they wun noe.

okok... will go work on my next BIG entry...